Bachelorette Finale: Jape takes the Cupcake

I skipped the "Men Tell All" show - for obvious reasons. I did catch a few bits and pieces of it during commercials, which I will comment on. The most significant things being: Ames' orange spray on tan and polio (I know I said polio, not polo)shirt, ready and grinning for the Pachelor Pad, CH looks exactly, exactly, like an Eagle,  and there is no need for Michele $$ to be there.

So I decided why these posts are getting more and more bland. The less people on the show, the less going on. Ashley and Ben are two of the most boring people alive and you can only say JP is cute and has weird shoes so many times. Soo, there you have it.

• We start with CH saying "This is the moment we've all been waiting for" with a little sneer in his voice. We all know what he is really implying there.
• More freaking shots of Fiji beaches.
• Ashley, fresh off her latest course of antibiotics from the Fantasy Suite dates, meandering through the deep sand, repeating over and over "no regrets, yada, yada, amazing, yap, yap, not sure, blah blah" in her see thru tank and white pants.
• You can tell the producers, those idiots controlling this shit, have told Ashley to pause and stare off into the distance a lot. You get a good example here as she boards the plane.
• Again, Fiji is THE perfect place....
• Ashley is so grateful her family came all the way here!! Not like #1 they had a choice, and #2 they prob wouldn't have come if ABC hadn't paid for the 4 of them to stay in a million dollar resort.
• Her sister just patted her ass. Football game?
• Woah nelly, rewind your DVR and check out mom's chest sweat. That is pretty sick. I am a sweater, but man, on national TV, I'd do whatever it takes (which, strangly enough, could just mean walking into the perfectly air-conditioned cabana right freaking behind them!)
• Moms hair dye is melting onto her freaking arms.
• Who the hell is that hoodlum with the towel over his face? They didn't introduce him.
• JP looks military :)
• "JP is first up to meet the family—or be prematurely judged harshly through the eyes of the oldest child of an abusive, alcoholic father who married someone just like him and has spent the last few years covering up her pain with tattoos and projecting her anger at an absent male role model and a failed marriage onto her little sister and anyone she dates."- Guy in Austin
• Towel man? Brother? Yes. He is going to town with that towel. Why would they make then sit outside while it is clearly 200 degrees?
• Poor kid. Looks like Balboa in between rounds with Russian man.
• He needs that bottle of wine JP is carrying ASAP. He needs a few swigs before he full on passes out from dehydration.
• Now Ashley has the towel.
• Now Ashley is looking for her boobs. You see, as a normal civilian, even I would know to probably edit that out. Her, wiping the sweat off her chest, looking down her shirt, etc.
• Notice sister isn't sweating. She's used to the heat on her little porch patio in hell.
• She just cracked herself up.
• Is that milk in those wine glasses?
• Sister is hung up on the laugh question. ASHLEY is the one who didn't answer it "correctly", and sister thinks JP is now not the one.
• Ashley starts crying her left eyelash off and fiddling with her bangs.
• Mom is missing something. They haven't shown a frontal shot of her. She is slow.
• INSECURE!!!!
• She has no idea what she wants. I bet Ali had her mind made up in week 4, Ashley is one day away from proposal and still doesn't know.
• Here's towel man. Little brother, 15 years? Gang? HYPERHYDROSIS!
• Ash chews her face.
• It literally must be 120 degrees.
• Sister is kind of a bitch really.
• She totally just laughed in his face.
• She is pretty, minus the tats.
• Wow, talk about judgemental!
• This kind of explains why Ashley second guesses herself all the time. I bet living with that strong headed crazy does a number on your head.
• "Proving that she’s an experienced ball buster, Kat Von B*tch doesn’t immediately go for J.P.’s jugular vein. Rather, she waits patiently like a cheetah in the high grass eyeing the smallest gazelle in the herd. That gazelle was Ashley and the editors took great pride in filling the space between the hunt and the pounce with naive quotes from Ashley about how comfortable she was having J.P. meet the family. Ashley reminded me of a cow running toward the slaughterhouse in search of fresh hay ignorant of the high pressured bolt gun in her sister’s tattooed hands. When she finally did emerge—fangs unfurled—from the bushes, I actually felt sorry for Ashley." -Guy In Austin
• Ash needs approval sooooo badly!!
• She is probably having flashbacks of thier childhood tea parties or whatever - getting bossed around and bitched at.
• She should run down to the local Fijiian tattoo parlor and get the word TACT tattooed on her freaking forehead.
• She clearly took the brunt of daddy's alcoholism issues growing up.
• This conversation pissed me off :
• ASH (to JP): I just need to figure it out.
• JP: I thought you had it figured out......
• This is the guy that put up with her, in general, but also 2 Bentley issues, a Ryan comeback, and a hell of a lot of face chewing. The least she could have done was reassure him a little.
• I'd be pissed if I were him.
• Drop her like a 2 foot putt.
• Says a lot about her.
• Did the mom and dad even talk to him?
• Her fam is jacked up. Mom is 'slow', dad and bro didn't hardly say a word, and then there is sister...... and Ashley is clearly the step-sister.
• Ashley, for like the 2nd time ever, brings up a good point. I don't want you to sugar coat things, just don't be a bitch.
• High School girl fight.
• This got out of order somehow (my timeline). Whatever. 
• Her gut reaction has been wrong before (meaning, it will always be wrong?) Dumb point tattoo.
• Holy, rewind the DVR again. Moms hair, first of all it is in a fuzzy mullet ish style, but she has blonde horizontal stipes at the bottom there. Wow.
• ABC leads us to believe JP won't propose.
• They also lead us to believe, via 300 confidence comments from Ben - that he is the weiner. I mean winner.
• Ok, does she even have pants on? She's just completely taken that right out of her wardrobe now.
• Keep bringing up the elephant mural. She reallllllly liked that.
• He is such a freaking dork.
• He has stomach sweat. Don't wear a gray shirt when it is 300 degrees outside.
• Her sister wanted to see the "real" Ashley with JP, which apparently involves monkey-like movements and "dog talk", so Ashley is giving it to her. Scripted.
• If that right there was what sister was looking for to determine if Ben was the right one, so help me, something is very wrong here. Like it is not even funny.
• Ben: this is a perfect example of why not to have your hair like you do. Sweat, curl, fuzz, makes your nostrils look way worse. Come on.
• Sister just yelled "ballsy" hehe
• Again, mom has something wrong. They just did a frontal shot and something is off. You know, like with Ames, you can just tell?
• It is too hot to touch/hug. I am pissed just watching it. If Benj touches me when I am hot, he gets a bitch-slap.
• Ben looks like a gay clown golfer in this little gettup. Whatever.
• Did he just say "swimmingly"? I had to google it, but yes, it is a word.
• Surprise! A helicopter!
• I am sooo ready for this 2 hours to be over.
• I have seen Fiji at least 4 times on a helicopter on this show. At least. Haven't I?
• He's giving her a breast exam again.
• Oh, she's giving herself one!
• She full on just told him she wanted to give him a handy.
• He has said "lube" at least 13 times.
• I want to scream "la la la la la la la la la" and fast forward. I'm afraid I will be charged pay-per-view later for a 'entertainment' video. Good hell.
• I need some hand sanitizer.
• As a side note, a patient called in today and was talking about a colonoscopy and said her last one was was "kind of foul". Don't use that verbiage when talking about a colonoscopy. Really.
• He is now sporting a mexi-stache.
• NERD
• He hopes things are "well received" - is that a sexual innuendo?
• Again with his hair.
• It is awkward when they say they love her she has to just look at them.
• She really is probably thinking she wish she could take off her denim Build-A-Bear shorts right about now. (Yes, I did finally see shorts).
• Ok, since we have almost seen her naked this season, minus the vag, she almost sealed the deal right there on the bed with her legs in a deadlock around him and practically no pants on.
• Did she just call him "Jape"?
• He looks halfway like a crossing gaurd in that shirt.
• But, it doesn't matter. And that is saying a lot, because I hate crossing gaurds.
• Every now and again her boobs look normal. Makes me wonder if she got a B job done mid-season.
• INSECURE
• He is too good for her.
• JP does show some balls here and call her out.
• Love him.
• But, then there are his eyebrows.
• Ah, a new see thru tunic.
• Aww, the letter/scrapbook is dang cute :)
• But, why, is it in a wicker basket?
• ***Men Tell All freaking funny how they make fun of Ames being a robot and not moving his head. so true!!!
• ***Men Tell All Ames looks like a Ken doll that got melted in the sun
• Yeah, nevermind on the mid-season boob job.
• Are Ben's fingernails painted?
• The jeweler must had been instructed to get the guys to tell thier 'love story'. No need to spill your guts to that guy. He's a creepy jewelry salesman.
• Aaaand, his little tapestry under the ring display is distracting.
• Ben = scrunch face in the sun.
• Ben's scrunch face = enlarged nostrils.
• I can't believe how many people are rooting for him.
• I'm crying over this shit.
• The "final rose" area is no good. Driftwood circle with fake flowers dotting it? Also, out to the side there is some sort of log raft surrounded by fake flora. She looks like she is being sacrificed.
• He has absolutely NO CLUE.
• Hair again: It must be 300 degrees. Sweat + wind reveals a bald spot on Ben.
• WHY ISN'T SHE STOPPING HIM????
• Holy AWKWARD!!
• Couldn't he see the look on her face??
• Wow. Bet he feels dumb.
• Nope, apparently, he feels pissed.
• Woah, way pissed.
• It's not possible to leave on good terms. True, but you are kind of being a jerk off.
• Love how he stops her and says not to sugar coat it. Her WHOLE LIFE is sugar coating. Remember when she told Ryan he was exactly what she wanted before she dumped him the 2nd time? I guess she is a cupcake.
• Good line: Good things don't end unless they end badly.
• That was over her head.
• My hell, don't cross him. He turned into a douche.
• JP = the safe choice? What does that even mean?
• Where the hell are they taking him in that raft? There is no land in front of them. Are they just going to dump him in the water? Drive him off the horizon?
• I wouldn't be surprised if he shanked the boat driver and came flying back to the sacrifice area and killed both Ash and JP the way he is acting.
• Ok, ok. Really, just borderline sore-loser, but kind of has a right I guess.
• ***commerical or something, I lost track Jake (old bachelor) is a DICK!!!!! Holy crap!
• Love JP!
• CH escorts the men directly from the plane to the sacrifice area - keeping things running - doesn't want anything to stall the end of the show at this point.
• Don't play a Titanic song.
• If I were Ashley (I'd be in counseling and possibly inpatient therapy) but I also would have told the guys NOT to wear suits. She owes them that much. Good hell. It has got to be 900 degrees at this point. If it weren't for the wind, they would burst into flame.
• She is pacing the sacrifice altar.
• I LOVE how JP lights up when he sees her.
• I'm unsure of her dress. Scrappy mermaid muppet.
• Damn, I am crying.
• They are attractive kissers. Her and Ben, not so much.
• She says "It was so good to see you walk down those steps" - Yes, my dear, yes, it was.
• Cue REO Speedwagon "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" LOVE!
• Somehow, this made this jacked up season all worth it.
• Oddly, they immediately run into the ocean.
• I guess not so odd. It is hot as hell and she didn't pay for that dress.
• I bet that dress was 5 grand, at least.
• Oh my hell, there is a whole hour more of this!
• My dad was headed in to watch the news, when I broke the news that there was another hour.
• I told him he could stay and hang out with us.
• His response: "I'd rather sit naked in the bathtub with no water." And walked off.
• ***After the Final Rose
• Ben and Ash both greatly benefit from a freaking flat iron. Holy hell.
• Women are gasping in the audience for him. What. The. Hell.
• Her bangs are now on the other side. Good. She isn't fiddling with them now like she did the whole damn season. Wish someone would have caught that earlier.
• It somehow makes her resemble a penny. Not Abe Lincoln, but an actual penny.
• This litte half hour segment of "Take The $ and Run" Is kind of a disk-tease, isn't it.
• "To be honest" is one of her favorite things to say.
• ***Commercial How does that show Wipe Out not just flat out kill people? Really?
• Love that JP winks at her.
• Who the hell let CH on the set with his hair all puffy like that?
• Too much kissing.
• Too much open mouth kissing.
• My mom is crying.
• CH says he likes sports + mom is convinced he was/is in the military (there is no evidence to support this) = she is crying. Her dream man. While my dad sits naked in an empty bathtub.
• Ah, guess who has on the see thru tunic now? Sister bitch.
• WHY IS SHE CHANTING "TEAM CUPCAKE"?
• CH looks straight into the camera, almost desperately, and says "Thanks for watching this season."
• And, it's over. ***SIGH***