Monday, September 24, 2012

Max's Bucket List!

I saw this idea and thought it was cute. I can barely even function myself, so I don't know why I am trying to get myself into this, but I am. I like Max. This is what I have so far and what he's done already! Let's say this is from now - age 10-15? The he can add to it or make his own. I don't know. I will keep adding and crossing off. I think I will put it on the sidebar. Anyone have any other ideas? {Uggh, the font and sizes and spacing is all screwed up, please ignore}

To GO:
Go to Seven Peaks
Go to California
Go to a Utes game!
Go to the movies
Go to Lagoon
Go camping (in a tent)
Go bowling
Go to Yellowstone
Museum (Discovery @ Gateway, want to go again!)
Go fishing
Go on a cruise
Go to a splashpark
Story time at library
Go to drive in movie
Go to a pro sports game
Play hide and seek
Go on a hayride
Go boating
Go on a motorcycle 
Go on a 4-wheeler

Feed farm animals
Ride horse
Ride bike (he won't use pedals yet, still scoots)
Hop over waves in ocean
Pick up seashells
Splash in mud puddles
Make a snowman
Play in the leaves
Play in fresh snow
Pick fruit off a tree
Play in the rain
See a rainbow
Make a snow fort
Have a snowball fight
Play with water balloons
Pick a pumpkin
Play in the dirt
See a falling star
Go really high on a swing
Sidewalk chalk
Play with bubbles
See a deer in the wild
See wild turkeys
Learn to swim
Hold a worm
Scavenger hunt
Go down a slide backwards
Fly a kite
Play football
Have a running race
Play soccer

Bake cookies
Make gak or slime
Play Red Rover
Finger paint in a bag
Play with shaving cream
MASTER the iPad
Play with play dough 
Help mom cook dinner
Choc pudding body paint
Play with stickers
Make a cardboard box house/car
Play with glowsticks in the bath
Play with colored ice in the bath
Build a fort in the living room
Play "I Spy"
Have a puppet show
Color on a whiteboard
Color on a chalkboard
Build a tower of blocks and knock it down
Play drums on moms pots and pans
Try rock climbing (indoor)
Play a piano

Learn “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider”, “The Wheels on the Bus”, and “Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.
Learn some words in sign language
Learn a song and sing it
Learn to write my name
Learn my colors
Watch General Conference
Learn to write the ABC's
Say a prayer
Count to 5

Eat steak
Eat popcorn at the movies
Eat from a chocolate fountain
Chew gum
Eat a slushee in the summer
Decorate cookies or cupcakes
Eat broccoli and green beans and like it
Eat dessert for dinner

Carve a pumpkin
Sit on Santa'a lap
Stay up all night (BOOOOOO!!!!)
Get my face painted
Decorate a Christmas tree
Doorbell ditch someone
Go trick-or-treating
Write Santa a letter
Have a sleepover
Take a bubble bath

Friday, September 14, 2012

You're not failing as a mom.

"You're not.

If you and I were sitting in Starbucks and you had your fave drink and I had my Caramel Macchiato I'd look at you, and I'd tell you the truth - you're not failing.

I know. I'm guessing, you'd wipe away the tears, and look up, and try to nod your head, but inside, inside well, you'd think that those are nice words but seriously she has no idea. You know why I know? Because I've sat in a coffee shop, across from a friend, a friend who looked me smack in the face and told me that I wasn't failing and that I was doing a great job.

I wanted to tell her about the dishes from yesterday sitting on my counter. And how the pile of storybooks wasn't read again. And that I'm a week behind in laundry. And that I got really really irritated at the mixture of 13 toys all dumped in a pile that two days ago was sorted into 13 labeled boxes. I wondered if she knew that some days, some days I get up and just go through the mom motions without even really finding much joy. It felt like drudgery.

How could she tell me I wasn't failing?

Yet, I wasn't.

Somehow in the mixed up media world we've got these thoughts of moms being perfect. Society doesn't give us a break. I mean read this article in the New York Times about the pressure on moms to look a certain way after they give birth. And then? Then we're to be ultra creative, crafty, humorous, happy, chipper, up before dawn, to sleep after dark, with our sinks shined, and the laundry folded, and tomorrow's breakfast in the crockpot, with tomorrow's dinner - pulled from our once-a-month cooking thawing in the fridge, while we work out for 20 minutes on odd days and 40 minutes on even days, and our hair is always done, we're makeup ready, our fridges are stocked, and the craft closet bursting with ideas for that quick perfect afternoon art project that we'll place on our recycled wood and mod podged adorned hand painted chalkboard.

And, in reality, it's 8am and we're just getting up. The baby was up all night, or the toddler sick, or honestly, we were just tired. We get our coffee and flip on facebook and our stream is flooded with stuff people have already done {I always tell myself -- different time zones} and we're racing to catch up with this never before except for the last hundred years perfect never feel like you're failing mom ideal that is exhausting.

You know what my friend told me? She told me to slow down. Slow down? How in the world when I felt like I was failing was I to slow down? I had way way way too much to do and I needed to read that parenting book to work on my attitude and and and...and. And she told me enough. And that I was a good mom.

You know, you're not failing.

You need to start to see all you do accomplish in a day. All the smiles of encouragement, meals made, clothes changed, books read, and more. Just like I wrote yesterday - we make mistakes {ten things moms need to remember} - we just need to learn from them. We're out of breath, racing, and exhausted, but truly not failing. Failing means stopping. Not getting up, not trying, not giving. That's not you.

I want you to stop telling yourself you're failing. Instead I want you to replace it with I can do this.

You can do this.

Those soundtrack words and feeling about failing are just feelings. Don't let them define you anymore. If you hear I'm failing replace it immediately with I can do this.

If you were across the table from me that is what I would tell you.

And, of course, I'd tell you do one thing. I'm going to write and say it again and again and again. Write your list of things you want to do, need to do, and would love to do today with your family. And then, do one thing from each list. If you stumble, brush yourself off, and start again. Don't worry that the neighbor across the street seems to be doing twenty or the pinterest pin tells you that the perfect home can be achieved in 6 Easy Steps. This is your life - and you - you are the perfect mother for those children. God knew when he blessed those kids to you.

Remember that.

You are a good mom. You matter. You are making a difference.

You can do this. One step, one day, at a time.

From me, one mom in the midst of motherhood, to you."

A friend sent me this link and i loved it good stuff. {i didn't write this!} Original link:

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Crazy's back.

Well, you know. The past month has pretty much sucked it up. I was doing sooo good, work was good, I was stable, and BAM. Everything fell apart. Seriously, just driving home one night I remember turning to Benj and saying how I felt super depressed all of a sudden. Since then it's been serious lows and a few highs. And a lot of missed work. After about 4 days of missing work, (which really was/is horrible timing......lots of important things going on) I scheduled an appointment with my crazy doc. I got in a few days later and good thing! My bipolar usually presents in low depressive episodes with my 'manic' stage being mild irritability. Well my friends, the day before and of my appointment, I hit a whole new level of 'manic'. I was off the walls. Laughing, talking loud and fast, couldn't sit still, couldn't drive straight, couldn't think - thoughts scattered. It was weird, I'd never had that happen before. Benj was even really thrown off. So the doc changed my meds and sent me on my merry giggling way. Of course a few hours later I was curled up in bed hysterical. Now, doing a 3-4 week med change, I've hit a rapid-cycling bipolar, again something that I've never had. Literally minute to minute, laugh, cry, laugh, cry, thoughts all over. It's SLOWLY improving, though I think he will make more adjustments. {insert: my crazy doc is a straight up weirdo. His office = voodoo Moab which is a huge turn off. He wears sweater vests, doesn't touch (nooooo shaking hands) and crosses his legs. Plus just talks weird. Had I not had rave reviews about him I would steer clear of such a whack job.} Anyway, I just kind of needed to vent. I have never in my life felt so out of control. I literally don't dare go to work or to the store because I don't know how I'll be. It's been super hard. It makes it that much worse that I did so well for so long (I thought). I feel like I fell back 100 steps. I actually would have prob been back in the psych hospital had I not lost all hope in that system. NEVER again. I've missed a bunch of family events, work, and moments with Max. He's been so sweet (mostly). He gives me lots of hugs and kisses and is genuinely concerned when I cry (every 10 minutes). He will kiss me and say "Sad ma? Cry? Love you". I've been so impatient and snappy to him. And Benj. I try to actually stay away from them because I feel like I'm hurting them. I lash out, then cry and feel guilty, then get anxious about feeling guilty, then giggle. It's just a mess. {insert: Max in the meantime is having troubles with health. His ears bother him, he still won't sleep, has headaches, etc etc. In the middle of everything we took him to another ENT for a second opinion, which they gave. Needs tonsils and adenoids out, asap (Oct 1st, inpatient hospital stay). Tube was half out, sinus infection. I feel so bad for him, yet it's so hard to be patient with all his whining and crying and not sleeping!!) Might I add that just a normal standard fact of bipolar people: don't mess with their sleep. They need it and they need it regularly and they need it more. So not having more that 4 hours straight of sleep a night for the past 6+ months is kicking my ass. And Benj's. And Max's. It's a wonder we are all here and semi happy. And alive.

As a side note, I've been wanting to get this off my chest. I soooo much want more kids. I just know there are more that are supposed to be with us and it breaks my heart because there is NO WAY that it will happen. I keep thinking, I'll get better, I can handle it, one day soon. But realistically I know, I can't. I can barely be a decent mom/wife now, let alone add to the plate. It's something I think about a lot and it just tears me up. My mom says to wait until the millennium, there is plenty of time :)

Anyway, hopefully things will look up soon. Voodoo is wanting to add lithium to the cocktail of meds I'm on now (that's what the psych unit had me on) and I'm not thrilled. It made me super groggy and feel 'out of it', not to mention jacked my thyroid up. But I guess I'm kind of out of options. I wanted to say thanks to EVERYONE at work, my family, friends, and especially Max and Benj for sticking with me. I could have easily been out of a job, been on bad terms with family and friends, and lost my boys. I know how hard it is on my end, I can't imagine the other end of dealing with me. So thanks. Gahh.

I have a ton of pics I want to post but I'm trying this new Blogger App and having troubles with it, so watch for those.