Crazy's back.

Well, you know. The past month has pretty much sucked it up. I was doing sooo good, work was good, I was stable, and BAM. Everything fell apart. Seriously, just driving home one night I remember turning to Benj and saying how I felt super depressed all of a sudden. Since then it's been serious lows and a few highs. And a lot of missed work. After about 4 days of missing work, (which really was/is horrible timing......lots of important things going on) I scheduled an appointment with my crazy doc. I got in a few days later and good thing! My bipolar usually presents in low depressive episodes with my 'manic' stage being mild irritability. Well my friends, the day before and of my appointment, I hit a whole new level of 'manic'. I was off the walls. Laughing, talking loud and fast, couldn't sit still, couldn't drive straight, couldn't think - thoughts scattered. It was weird, I'd never had that happen before. Benj was even really thrown off. So the doc changed my meds and sent me on my merry giggling way. Of course a few hours later I was curled up in bed hysterical. Now, doing a 3-4 week med change, I've hit a rapid-cycling bipolar, again something that I've never had. Literally minute to minute, laugh, cry, laugh, cry, thoughts all over. It's SLOWLY improving, though I think he will make more adjustments. {insert: my crazy doc is a straight up weirdo. His office = voodoo Moab which is a huge turn off. He wears sweater vests, doesn't touch (nooooo shaking hands) and crosses his legs. Plus just talks weird. Had I not had rave reviews about him I would steer clear of such a whack job.} Anyway, I just kind of needed to vent. I have never in my life felt so out of control. I literally don't dare go to work or to the store because I don't know how I'll be. It's been super hard. It makes it that much worse that I did so well for so long (I thought). I feel like I fell back 100 steps. I actually would have prob been back in the psych hospital had I not lost all hope in that system. NEVER again. I've missed a bunch of family events, work, and moments with Max. He's been so sweet (mostly). He gives me lots of hugs and kisses and is genuinely concerned when I cry (every 10 minutes). He will kiss me and say "Sad ma? Cry? Love you". I've been so impatient and snappy to him. And Benj. I try to actually stay away from them because I feel like I'm hurting them. I lash out, then cry and feel guilty, then get anxious about feeling guilty, then giggle. It's just a mess. {insert: Max in the meantime is having troubles with health. His ears bother him, he still won't sleep, has headaches, etc etc. In the middle of everything we took him to another ENT for a second opinion, which they gave. Needs tonsils and adenoids out, asap (Oct 1st, inpatient hospital stay). Tube was half out, sinus infection. I feel so bad for him, yet it's so hard to be patient with all his whining and crying and not sleeping!!) Might I add that just a normal standard fact of bipolar people: don't mess with their sleep. They need it and they need it regularly and they need it more. So not having more that 4 hours straight of sleep a night for the past 6+ months is kicking my ass. And Benj's. And Max's. It's a wonder we are all here and semi happy. And alive.

As a side note, I've been wanting to get this off my chest. I soooo much want more kids. I just know there are more that are supposed to be with us and it breaks my heart because there is NO WAY that it will happen. I keep thinking, I'll get better, I can handle it, one day soon. But realistically I know, I can't. I can barely be a decent mom/wife now, let alone add to the plate. It's something I think about a lot and it just tears me up. My mom says to wait until the millennium, there is plenty of time :)

Anyway, hopefully things will look up soon. Voodoo is wanting to add lithium to the cocktail of meds I'm on now (that's what the psych unit had me on) and I'm not thrilled. It made me super groggy and feel 'out of it', not to mention jacked my thyroid up. But I guess I'm kind of out of options. I wanted to say thanks to EVERYONE at work, my family, friends, and especially Max and Benj for sticking with me. I could have easily been out of a job, been on bad terms with family and friends, and lost my boys. I know how hard it is on my end, I can't imagine the other end of dealing with me. So thanks. Gahh.

I have a ton of pics I want to post but I'm trying this new Blogger App and having troubles with it, so watch for those.