Tuesday, February 21, 2012


I have a new pet peeve. It really isn't new at all, I just pin-pointed it today. I cannot stand, nay, I LOATHE when an employee at a store butts in front of you, reaches over you, stands in your way, etc. You get paid because I am here douche bag. You are here until 5pm, it is 1. You have plenty of freaking time to stock that shelf. Must you find the one display I'm looking at and fiddle with it for the 1 minute I am standing there???? Oh my hell. Sure, why don't you go ahead and push that huge cart of returned items right into the back of my ankles you a-hole, because it absolutely cannot wait. This post was inspired by a guy at Hobby Lobby today. He literally pushed me into a freaking charm bracelet display, all because he was walking through the same isle to talk to another co-worker. I was seething. You should be catering to me.You stand in the damn corner until I am done looking at the charms my friend.  I've worked in retail and customer service long enough to know - the customer is ALWAYS right and they come first. Period.

Speaking of period, another pet peeve. My mom is going to kill me for saying this. I hate pooping while on my period. Hate it. Crampy. Have to change your tampon usually or it comes half out. String dirty. It all just sucks. I know, I'm innapropriate. I know some of you agree, you would just never say it.

I looked at my blog on Benj's iPad and the font is like a 1997 calligraphy font - WTH??? It is not set up like that..... hope that isn't what you are seeing.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

2 good articles

Two great articles I've read lately:

Dear Mother of Only One Child,

Don’t say it. Before the words can even pass your lips, let me beg you: don’t say, “Wow, you have nine kids? I thought it was hard with just my one!”
My dear, it is hard. You’re not being a wuss or a whiner when you feel like your life is hard. I know, because I remember having “only one child.” You may not even believe how many times I stop and reflect on how much easier my life is, now that I have nine children.
All right, so there is a lot more laundry. Keeping up with each child’s needs, and making sure they all get enough attention, is a constant worry. And a stomach bug is pretty much the end of the world, when nine digestive tracts are afflicted.
But I remember having only one child, and it was hard—so very hard. Some of the difficulties were just practical: I didn’t know what I was doing, had to learn everything. People pushed me around because I was young and inexperienced. But even worse were the emotional struggles of learning to be a mother.
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long. I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
I cared so much what other people thought about her—they had to notice how beautiful she was, they had to be impressed at my natural mothering skills. I obsessed over childhood development charts, tense with fear that my mothering was lacking—that I hadn’t stimulated her enough, or maybe had just passed on the wrong kind of genes. I cringe when I remember how I pushed her—a little baby!—to achieve milestones she wasn’t ready for.
I lived in terror for her physical safety (I once brought her to Urgent Care, where the doctor somewhat irritably diagnosed a case of moderate sniffles) fearing every imaginable disease and injury. In my sleep-deprived state, I would have sudden insane hallucinations that her head had fallen off, her knees had suddenly broken themselves in the night, and so on.
My husband didn’t know how to help me. I didn’t know how to ask for help. My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it. My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night. He got to go to the bathroom alone. I hated him for it.
When I had only one child, I told myself over and over that motherhood was fulfilling and sanctifying and was filling my heart to the brim with peace and satisfaction. And so I felt horribly guilty for being so bored, so resentful, so exhausted. This is a joyful time, dammit! I should enjoy being suddenly transformed into the Doyenne of Anything that Smells Bad.
I loved my baby, I loved pushing her on the swing, watching squirrels at the park together, introducing her to apple sauce, and watching her lips move in joyful dreams of milk. But it was hard, hard, hard. All this work: is this who I am now? I remember!
So now? Yes, the practical parts are a thousand times easier: I’m a virtuoso. I worry, but then I move along. Nobody pushes me around, and I have helpers galore. Someone fetches clean diapers and gets rid of the dirty ones. When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night for the ten thousandth time, I sigh and roll my eyes, maybe even cry a little bit for sheer tiredness—but I know it will pass, it will pass.
It’s becoming easier, and it will be easier still. They are passing me by.
I’m broken in. There’s no collision of worlds. We’re so darn busy that it’s a sheer delight to take some time to wash some small child’s small limbs in a quiet bath, or to read The Story of Ferdinand one more time. Taking care of them is easy. It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, but when I stop and take a breath, I see that it’s almost like a charade of work. All these things, the dishes, the diapers, the spills—they must be taken care of, but they don’t matter. They aren’t who I am.
To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible. But who I am now is something more terrible: the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.
Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard. You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what? Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.
When I had only one child, she was so heavy. Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.
Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life. Your life is hard; your life will be hard. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.

Via: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child


If you follow me on twitter you already know that I’ve been battling off one of the most severe bouts of depression I’ve ever had. Yesterday it started to pass, and for the first time in weeks I cried with relief instead of with hopelessness. Depression can be crippling, and deadly. I’m lucky that it’s a rare thing for me, and that I have a support system to lean on. I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.

When cancer sufferers fight, recover, and go into remission we laud their bravery. We call them survivors. Because they are.

When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t. We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

Regardless, today I feel proud. I survived. And I celebrate every one of you reading this. I celebrate the fact that you’ve fought your battle and continue to win. I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again. I celebrate the fact that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger. We learn new tricks on the battlefield. We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them. We don’t struggle in vain.

We win.

We are alive.


I wrote this post a month ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to post it then. I was too weak from fighting to shout, and so instead I whispered this into the night and left it unpublished until I felt like I could speak to it with the battle-cry it deserves. Years ago, coming out about depression and anxiety disorder was something frightening, but now people are more honest and open and so much of the shame has dissipated. We may not have pink ribbons or telethons but we know that someone out there understands. That is, until we’re honest about how it affects us. I’ve never written about this because I can’t talk about it without it being a trigger but I think it’s important to be honest even when it’s scary. Especially when it’s scary.

I self-harm. I don’t do it all the time and it’s not enough to put me into an institution or threaten my well-being, but it’s enough to make it frightening to live in my body sometimes. I’m far from suicidal. I do it to self-sooth, because the physical pain distracts me from the mental pain. It’s one of those things that’s impossible to explain to people who don’t understand impulse control disorder. Honestly, I find it hard to understand it to myself and I’m working my ass off to fix it now before my daughter is old enough to see the things I don’t want her to see. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I am safe. My disorder is fairly mild and is becoming more controlled. I’m in therapy and I’m not in danger. I avoid triggers and I’ve found therapies and drugs that are helping. I’m getting better. But I sort of feel like I can’t completely heal from this without being honest about it. So here it is. Judge me or not, I am the same person I was before. And so are you. And chances are that many of your friends, family and coworkers are dealing with things like this. Things that are killing them a little inside. Things that kill people who don’t get help. Silent, bloody battles that end with secret victors who can’t celebrate without shame. I hope that this post changes this somehow. I hope that you feel safe enough to be honest about the things you are the most ashamed of. I hope you have someone there telling you “It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.”

I hope to one day I see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle and that they celebrate the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.

I hope one day to be better and I’m pretty sure I will be. I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame. I hope it for you too.

But until then, it starts slowly.

I haven’t hurt myself in 3 days. I sing strange battle-songs to myself in the darkness to scare away the demons. I am a fighter when I need to be.

And for that I am proud.

Via: http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

I can relate to both of these posts in so many ways. Hope you enjoyed. Also, I hope you aren't disturbed.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

uterine comfort

"Worried that your uterus is too small? Wow them the next time you go to the gynecologist, be the envy of all of your peers. Why is this Spanish woman so happy? Just look at the size of her uterus! Order now and see instant results! All that and a money back guarantee!

This pillow is 20" tall, 29" wide and has a wing span of 69"! (Basically she is really really big).
Made with super soft fleece and flannel ovaries she makes a great cuddle buddy.
*This item is made to order, so each pillow will vary slightly. Please allow 3 days for production*"

I have no further comment.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

more thoughts

Sweaty men = a fine line. It can be attractive in the right situation, but super repelling in the wrong one. (Chopping wood vs. walking around Wal-Mart).

Yes Carly, sneak into the corner in Wal-Mart and paint my nails fast and then leave.

Ya know "objects in mirror are closer than they appear"? Why the hell don't they just make a mirror where the objects are just as they appear, not closer? Seems to be almost a safety issue.

Remember this?

I freaking loved it.

"Lurking in the shadows with thier lip-gloss smiles" conjures up a perfect picture in my mind of high school dances/high school in general and I like it. Good one Taylor Swift.

Is it weird to anyone else that deer poop is in perfectly symmetrical balls?
And, have you ever seen it come out? I don't know why I have (maybe a movie?) but thier hole opens up and it comes out like corn coming out of a cup or something. The whole operation is kind of unusual. Just sayin.

I don't seem to have a problem with the phrase "just sayin" like most people do. I actually kind of like it.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

random thoughts

I came home yesterday from my sister Em's house with hay in my cleavage. Only at Ems.

Clerks: for hell sakes, especially at a drive thru, DO NOT give the change with bills on bottom and change on top. We have to angle our hand all awkward and half the time they slide off. It's really annoying.

Is it bad to go to Wal-Mart and paint your nails and then leave?

The other day at the gas station, I ran into the freaking counter, hard. I serisouly had a lump the size of Cleveland on my hip - not even exaggerating. Anyway, it isn't going away, so my right hip is like an inch bigger than my left and that is the last damn thing I need. I'm already fat, I don't need to be lopsided fat. I've prided myself on being evenly distributed fat, and now this.

I was at the State Drill Competition Friday and of course everyone is dressed immaculately, except one. Let us discuss this. Skinny pants can be worn by few. The biggies are not one of the few. Skinny pants with cargo pockets can be worn by no one. Skinny pants with cargo pockets with things inside the pockets CANNOT be worn. It created a horrible upside-down triangle shape. Cargo pants are for guys who are actively at a construction site - period.

I hesitate to say this because I know a lot of people who say it - but the phrase "too cute" absolutely makes my skin crawl.

And finally - why the hell are vision and dental not included in health insurance? Are our eyes and teeth not part of our health? Are opthamologists and dentists not technically docctors?? What kind of messed up joke....