Monday, March 10, 2014

The Bachelor - Finale & ATFR

Wow. Just wow.

You guys - what a train wreck.

Clare meets the familia while JPG dons the infamous pink shorts (thank you Sean), topped with a tight sweaty shirt. He says he really likes Clare. Hell, I like her too JPG. I think we ought to be past that by now, don't you? We see by his interaction with Camilla just how controlling he is: "Look at Clare, Camilla, say hi to her, come over here, drink this...." etc. Apparently JPG's brother has been let out of Venezuelan prison long enough for filming this episode, while his dad and Clare sit IN a bush and he holds her hands. This is awkward. Let me start the long list of huge RED FLAGS that JPG's own familia points out the the girls:

  1. He is hyperactive. Really she said "eeper-ative" and somehow the producers translated that to hyperactive. Being hyper can be a non-bad thing, but even his mom said it like it was a bad thing. 
  2. His mom says he is "very rude" and makes her cry.  (!!!)
  3. He walks out on problems. He needs someone who is willing to stay. 
I am not wording these - this is what was said. You can't make this shit up. 

JPG changes into purple shorts and another sweaty shirt for Nikki's meeting. And the list continues:

    4. He's not an easy guy
    5. He wants only what he wants. (The english word for this is SELFISH)
    6. You're sure about him?
    7. I'm pretty sure he's ready (said in a trembling spanish voice)
    8. A typical weekend with him will be this: he will wake up, want breakfast, and then watch TV all                   
    9. How much fighting can you take?
    10. He walks away when things get hard. 

This is from his family, folks. At this point, we scan the live studio audience, who is stunned. Clare and Nikki are in too deep I think to even notice. This is sad. 

Clare and JPG hop into a helicopter for their final date, literally. All he can say is "aye aye aye, she is sexy, hot, cute, etc". Apparently he says something else, and Clare is pissed. This is like red flag #43 for her. He evidently said something to the effect of "I don't even know you" and then some very sexually explicit thing that no one will repeat. She calls him out on it, which I think sealed her fate. He doesn't want a woman who questions him or talks back. He somehow smooth talks his way back into her pants and things are fine. 

My brother, from the other room, who is semi-watching because he just had surgery and can't move and is waiting for me to flip to the BYU game on commercial breaks: "That girl is crazy. After this, I guarantee she will never have a normal date ever again. All a guy needs to do is google her. She's a wacko and it is all caught on tape now."

Sharleen said it perfectly when she said whatever she said (something about him being patronizing and non-specific). 

Nikki really just wants to know how he feels. And unfortunately she is STILL waiting to find out, literally, on the ATFR. Another red flag:
    11. Nikki: what will you do when you don't have a private island?
          JPG: hang out, watch TV

Ultimately Nikki leaves the date crying and feeling awkward and insecure. This is getting interesting. 

Now, again ABC has outdone itself with the Finale set. See here for what I thought about Sean's season finale set. But this, this tops that. No driftwood here. This was more like the show ran out of money because the ratings are so low this season, so they just sent everyone home but the camera guy and Chris Harrison, then paid a tribe of natives to clean up a garbage dump for the set. Old leaves, dead trees, weeds, a rickety gate, the garden tomb rock wall, what looks like kit-kat wrappers littering the ground. I shit you not, I'm pretty sure there was a yellow gardening glove left on set. 

I understand it might be a huge yellow dead leaf, which also has no business being there, but given the situation, it shouldn't be there. 

Clare gets off her orange blow up raft (budget cuts again, I assume), with crooked boobs, and trips her way in the sand to Chris Harrison who leads her through the awkward tribal gate and sends her up the sweaty walkway to meet her dream man. She goes on about how she believes in him, yada yada, and he says "I wish the earth would suck me in" which translates to "I hate you and this and don't want to be here" in English. He tells her he has to say goodbye, and leans in for a hug, to which Clare pushes him away, tells him he is a big idiot, not who she thought he was, and has no respect for him. I loved this part and I've said that exact thing to JPG many a Monday night. What is awkward, is that had he chose her, she would have said yes and I love you and been so happy.... soooo, there's that. As she is walking off, the class-act that JPG mumbles "glad I didn't pick her!"

Nikki pulls up in a slightly better raft and trudges through the jungle to meet JPG. The poor girl. I've always liked her, but I'm beginning to think she too is an idiot. He pretty much says that he has a ring in his pocket, but isn't going to use it. He also has a banana in his pocket, and that he WILL use. He tells her he likes her, a lot, and gives her a rose. LAME. 

After The Final Rose - I don't even know if I can sort through this. Chris is wading through so much awkwardness to try to host this and get it over with, I feel bad for him. Clare comes out and says the same thing she has already said before. She doesn't want to talk to JPG and get fed any more bullshit, and frankly, I'm glad. I am so tired of watching him argue and get defensive with everyone in his dumb spanish accent and repeat things. Nikki comes out and is asked multiple questions, none of which she really answers, and then JPG comes out and does the same. I hate to say this, but she already looks like a battered wife. Scared to answer anything, timid, submissive. No one really knows anything that has happened "after the final rose". He talked to the producers 2 weeks ago and plans "changed dramatically" - which, to me means they told him they would pay him more if he'd propose on the ATFR show. I heard that through the grapevine..... It is clear that he doesn't love her and doesn't want things public anymore. I just love Sean and Catherine. Sean looks like he is going to jump out of his tight gay suit any second and just beat the shit out of JPG. I wish he would. Seriously his veins are twitching. I just love it. Chris has been saying all night that JPG promised a surprise on this show, to which we all thought he was going to maybe propose, and that got real awkward real fast. JPG acted like he had no idea what Chris was talking about and they went to commercial break and Chris is seen walking quickly off stage.... haha, what a train wreck. 

Things didn't turn out the way anyone wanted and we are all sorta glad it's freaking over. 

I love Andi and I think she is adorable. She did, however, say "at the end of the day" at least 6 times in her 6 minute segment, which concerns me for the future of me and her. I hope JPG didn't ruin it for her by making everyone hate the show...... 

Peace out peeps - until May!

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