Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
ok, ok
Alright, so I got on Snopes and the midget story is a fake. Still funny though.
My poor baby is sick :( Sucks
My poor baby is sick :( Sucks
Monday, March 29, 2010
I caught a troll!
I have a freaking funny story, courtesy of my good friend Cher. And yes, it is true. Special kids make the world go round! Heehe!
So there is this downsyndrome boy, about 25, living with his mom. Last friday, he called his mom at work, telling her to come home quick, because he'd caught a troll. She told him she had to finish a few more hours at work and then she'd be home. He plays a lot of video games, so she thought maybe he'd got a bad guy that looked like a troll or something on one of his games. He called again about 5 minutes later, saying again, that he'd caught a troll and she needed to come home and see it. Again, she told him she'd be home in a few hours. 5 minutes later, a 3rd call. Finally she told her boss what was going on and he let her go home to see what was going on. When she arrived home, she found the house in disarray. Tables knocked over, pictures knocked off the walls, broken glass, furniture moved. She called his name and heard him, "Mom, I'm in my room, come fast!" She shows up in his room and he has his dresser pushed up against his closet door. Before she could ask, she heard a small "Hello?" from the closet. She pushed the dresser aside and opened the door. You'll never guess what was in there. A MIDGET!!! "See mom, I caught a troll! He came to the front door trying to get in!" Come to find out, the 'little person' was a Jehovah's Witness that knocked on the door. When the boy opened the door he thought it was a troll coming to get him, so he beat the hell out of him and put him in his closet and called his mom.
Damn Jehovah's Witness midgets. They'll get you every time. I can't stop laughing. What an awesome kid!
So there is this downsyndrome boy, about 25, living with his mom. Last friday, he called his mom at work, telling her to come home quick, because he'd caught a troll. She told him she had to finish a few more hours at work and then she'd be home. He plays a lot of video games, so she thought maybe he'd got a bad guy that looked like a troll or something on one of his games. He called again about 5 minutes later, saying again, that he'd caught a troll and she needed to come home and see it. Again, she told him she'd be home in a few hours. 5 minutes later, a 3rd call. Finally she told her boss what was going on and he let her go home to see what was going on. When she arrived home, she found the house in disarray. Tables knocked over, pictures knocked off the walls, broken glass, furniture moved. She called his name and heard him, "Mom, I'm in my room, come fast!" She shows up in his room and he has his dresser pushed up against his closet door. Before she could ask, she heard a small "Hello?" from the closet. She pushed the dresser aside and opened the door. You'll never guess what was in there. A MIDGET!!! "See mom, I caught a troll! He came to the front door trying to get in!" Come to find out, the 'little person' was a Jehovah's Witness that knocked on the door. When the boy opened the door he thought it was a troll coming to get him, so he beat the hell out of him and put him in his closet and called his mom.
Damn Jehovah's Witness midgets. They'll get you every time. I can't stop laughing. What an awesome kid!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The Fax on Max
He doesn't cry unless he is going to die starving. Only whimpers.
It took him 2 months to learn how to poop; and now he won't stop.
He looks good in navy blue.
He is the only Barnhurst on record so far with blue eyes.
He has really short legs.
He's peed on everyone but me.
He is like 13ish pounds.
A Q-Tip fits perfectly in his nose.
He likes to hold on to your shirt when you hold him.
He has cool hair.
He is a dramatic spit-up-throw-up-er. Projectile.
He likes to 'talk' to daddy at night when he gets home. (Stares at him and flails his arms and coos)
He loves his swing!
He only wants his binki when he is hungry usually (thank goodness!!!!)
He starting to sleep 4-6 hours at night (*sigh*!!)
He takes medication for reflux.
He had a full photo album before he was even born! (ultrasounds! surprised he didn't come out glowing green....)
He is such a good baby! I am soo glad about that; I'd have lost it by now if he wasn't! We kinda like him!
It took him 2 months to learn how to poop; and now he won't stop.
He looks good in navy blue.
He is the only Barnhurst on record so far with blue eyes.
He has really short legs.
He's peed on everyone but me.
He is like 13ish pounds.
A Q-Tip fits perfectly in his nose.
He likes to hold on to your shirt when you hold him.
He has cool hair.
He is a dramatic spit-up-throw-up-er. Projectile.
He likes to 'talk' to daddy at night when he gets home. (Stares at him and flails his arms and coos)
He loves his swing!
He only wants his binki when he is hungry usually (thank goodness!!!!)
He starting to sleep 4-6 hours at night (*sigh*!!)
He takes medication for reflux.
He had a full photo album before he was even born! (ultrasounds! surprised he didn't come out glowing green....)
He is such a good baby! I am soo glad about that; I'd have lost it by now if he wasn't! We kinda like him!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Aunt Flo is back
Well folks, Aunt Flo has returned. I never did like her. It reminded me of this complaint letter to the Always maxi pads CEO by a genius woman, Wendi, that I came across a while back. Enjoy.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo.” Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you f__king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness – is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep... Always.
Best,
Wendi A.
Austin , TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from “Aunt Flo.” Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you f__king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness – is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep... Always.
Best,
Wendi A.
Austin , TX
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
3 things
First off, this needs to stop. Unless the person actually died in the vehicle, this is inappropriate. This is what headstones are for.
Second, there is nothing powerful about a 'power nap'. That is a crock of crap and whoever came up with it is crazy. I feel horrible after a 20-30 nap.
Also, a shout out to Benj for being such a good daddy and hubby! Love him!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
My Little Lamb
So Max has been having a rough few days. Projects out most of his bottles, little to no burping, no pooping without assistance (laxative). Come to think of it, I don't really poop without assistance either. Anyway, he is such a good baby, he hardly ever cries. He has been mustering up a little more noise lately cause his poor little tummy hurts. Usually he just whimpers and makes a sound exactly like a little lamb baaa. It's hard to be onery in the middle of the night when he looks up at me with his pretty blue eyes and makes a lamb noise. Strange; I always thought my brother Matt looks like a lamb, just as a side note.
http://www.animalpicturesarchive.com/animal/SOUND/lamb.wav
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
the BIF
I had an inkling this might happen eventually. For those of you who aren't familliar, a "BIF" is a "butt-in-front". So I've been a biggie for a good 6 years now, so I am used to most of the biggie-related issues, but I wasn't truly prepared for this. Thanks to the pregnancy stretching/weighing down, I am now left with a small baby BIF. It is accentuated by me still wearing maternity pants; maybe it will get better with time. I am only 5 weeks from having a baby. I am pretty sure part of it is just flappy skin (other part FAT), and that doesn't just 'tighten' up on its own, or even by exercise, and seeing as I am not big on working out, looks like I may be stuck with this. I am trying to come to terms with it. I don't think it is quite as noticable as the picture (partly because those khaki's aren't helping anything). I hope to one day get the motivation to get rid of it; be it by surgery or other means (meaning actually exercising...). This is a new low for me. I've always maintained that you know you've hit rock bottom when you have to use the motorized wheelchair at Wal-Mart, and this is one step away from that in my book. *sigh*
I am aware this post may be controversial for some, and for that, I'm sorry. I am halfway being a smart ass, so keep that in mind.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you Max, for this gift. I'll carry it with me the rest of my life.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Time for some Jack Handy
“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”
“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”
Golly, sometimes you just need some random thought to make you smile. I love Jack! Freaking awesome!
“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
“If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”
Golly, sometimes you just need some random thought to make you smile. I love Jack! Freaking awesome!
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