Bachelor Episode niner

It's the week of the sexless overnighters, and for some reason beyond me, Sean has chosen Thailand for these. He spends the first 15 minutes literally walking around the whole country of Thailand, recounting exactly the same things about the girls we all already know and have heard 30 times.  Ashlee is so sweet and has such a big heart. Catherine is so fun and happy and he misses her. Lindsey almost got sent home the first night, but he has grown to really have feelings for her. It took him approximately 3 days to walk the peninsula, and I know that because he changed his clothes 3 times. He started in the pink shorts/gray shirt outfit he has worn pretty much every episode now. It looks like someone finally told him, for hell sakes, if he is going to keep wearing them, at least buy a new pair of the same ones. Then he changed into an awesome ice blue tank top, then into a long sleeved pink shirt. His clothes are just beyond me. At one point he was swimming and came up out of the water like Ariel, flipping water, looking like a huge albino whale.

**Side note: during the long boring recap of all the girls personalities, it showed a clip of him and Catherine somewhere cold, kissing, and HE HAD SNOT IN HIS NOSE. It was by and large the most disgusting thing I've seen this season. I'll take bug eating and monkey poo flying.

Lindsay:

Sean looks ready for a baseball game and poor Lindsay ready for a wedding shower luncheon as they head to a big gross market. They browse neon chickens, ugly swimsuits, decaying meat, and bugs slammed onto skewers as Sean "tests" her to see how adventurous she will be. Which sounds really dumb, but evidently it is important to him (remember Selma got sent home for not jumping into ice water). These 2 would have kids with serious nostrils. Both have really flaring weird looking ones. They end up at, actually, and amazing beach where they feed a  bunch of monkeys. I was enjoying a moment until my mom interrupted it commenting on how much monkey poo there must be on that beach. Nothing gets you in the mood for some heavy petting and making out like feeding monkeys, apparently. They head into the water, where wandering hands cannot be seen. Dinner is held at some sort of carnival. Boats & flower formations made out of candles on the ground? It looked like the damn Spanish Fork Festival of Lights. The poor girl wanted to get her feelings out and was stuck inside a weird lit up dreamland, and right when she almost is ready to say her true feelings, is interrupted by dumb Tai Dancers. We all, including Sean and Lindsay, patiently waited to them to be done with their little song and dance and leave. Sean, Mr. Innocent, asks Linds if she will dance like that for him later. They read the stupid date card and she is so eager her boobs are ready to jump right out of that lingerie dress she is wearing, and they would have had it not been so tight. Everything was really awkward until she blurts out "I love you" and then I'm confident her boobs were freed. She sleeps naked, remember?

Ashlee:

I spent her date in 3 parts - one part trying to read her necklace, one part feeling like I was in a session with my therapist, and the other part ready to puke. I'm not even sure what the date was because she spent the whole time talking in metaphors and I couldn't concentrate. Let me recount just a few, if I might (emphasis added):

• Overwhelming joy
• Elated to be here
• Sean is my true love
• I'm vulnerable
• I love Sean more than words can express
• (I can't write these fast enough, had to pause the DVR)
• Relationships are really all about trust, and I trust Sean
• I have a fear of being abandoned
• I have a fear of rejection
• I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been in my life
• When you are with the one you love, it is like a dark alley-way (referencing the cave)
• My commitment is to Sean and to changing my previous way of thinking
• This is life changing
• Today represented me letting go
• Today was absolutely amazing
• I'm head over heels
• Every part of my being wants to be engaged to this man
• I completely trust you
• I trust him
• (I know this is getting boring, I'm bored)
• I love this man
• This man has LITEERALLY melted my heart
• I will do everything in my power to make this man happy
• ETC ETC ETC

Seriously, none of these are that bad, a few at a time, but this was one 30 minute segment, and it was edited, and my list wasn't complete with all of them. I cannot even fathom how exhausting she is in real life. Anyway, he wanted to test Ashlee, too, and thought it would be a good trust game to take her to a pitch black cave and paddle thru it with no life jackets. He likes games. Speaking of boobs coming out, Ash has clearly had implants. Wow. She of course is scared shitless, like she always is, and Sean has no freaking idea what he is doing, and she should be scared really. What the hell is Sean going to do if a bat flies into her face and claws her eyes out? I was starting to get really pissed off and then they got to that amazing beach. It really was cool, holy smokes. They appear that they swam home and we see the two of them walking out of the water straight to dinner. I had to rewind it because I didn't understand how they got dry/dressed. Sean explains that his early years were spent preparing for his furniture salesman career and going to the gym and that is why he is still single. Ashlee says she is glad she hasn't settled yet, which is ironic, seeing as she has been married before. He tells her he wants to put her at ease. I get anxious just seeing her, he does too apparently.

Ashlee seals the deal by telling Sean what she wants him to pick out with the diamond guy next episode, then they probably change into jammies and talk in metaphors until the sun comes up.

Catherine:

When Sean gets cold, he goes red in the face. When Sean gets hot, he goes red in the face. Neither is good. Atall. Sean has been laid at least once now, if not in a roundabout way, and is feeling pretty good when Catherine surprises him on the beach. They giggle for a few minutes, literally, to each other while I try to figure out what she is wearing. They board a pirate ship that has been decorated like a whorehouse with satin blankets, pillows, and drapes, and have a 'serious' talk. I must have been bored because I wrote "they pass a big rock that looks like a penis" on my note paper. Her freckles are cute. She has said multiple times now that she is excited that she can be herself with him without him getting "freaked out". That combined with her family's attitude about her, makes me a tiny bit concerned. She bullshits thru a story about how she is pissed at her sisters but they don't count because she tells her friend who it married more than she tells them, so not to worry. Huh? I hate hate hate how Sean kisses. You should never SEE tongue in a kiss. EVER. Ugh. Red face-tongue kissing. They swim and make out, just like the other two girls' dates. They end up kissing in the rain, which is always romantic to me. I made out with Benj in the sprinklers at my elementary school once, and that was like tops for me. Xoxo. Sean tells the cameras that he asked himself today if he could see her as his wife, and the answer was yes. He said about at least Lindsay and probably Ashlee too, so it is really irrelevant. Sean wears tennis shoes to dinner and Catherine's hair has now succumbed to the humidity. She tells Sean she wants to be a lady and doesn't want to ever do an overnight date, but says yes to the fantasy suite. She tells Sean when they get there that he is beefy and she has had low self-esteem and been called chunky. Huh?? Did you see her in the bikini? She is tiny. Tiny. He, like a smart man should, tells her she is smoking hot. She says the word beefy, which really throws me off, for the second time this season.

We jump to LA where Chris Harrison comes out of the Bachelor mansion like he is going to make a big announcement, and completely dumbfounds me promoting some kind of Wizard of Oz movie. Wait, what? What even just happened?? Seriously, why did that happen? What?

Back to China, or whatever. Chris is interviewing Sean in front of some huge elephant remains where Sean tells him he knows who he is done with. As does the rest of America. Sean is crossing his huge muscly legs and I pause the DVR again to dry heave and take a drink of my DP.

Chris: So do you think this is going to work?

Sean: Yes

Christ: Really? Wow.

Pause

Chris: So you're in love?

Sean: Yes, I think so

Chris: Wow.

Pause

Who would've thought.

Under the direction of the producer, Sean heads over to the headshots to ponder, even though he already knows who is going home. He even picks up one of the frames and caresses it. He goes to the video messages. Lindsay chokes him up. Catherine makes him giggle. Ashlee literally has a complete meltdown as she tries to spit out that she is no longer broken. We get a close up of Sean's nostrils flare as he is watching her, indicating her impending doom. She just keeps throwing them out, so I have to point it out. The video was full of them, but 2 of my favorites were "Ever since I was young I've put up a wall" and "together, we are whole", between sobs. Sean tells the camera he is afraid things aren't going to be ok after today, and he is damn right. I point out Catherine's hair, but let me just say mine would be a complete wreck. I live in zero humidity with a heavy duty straitener and my hair is fuzzed half the time. All I can do is stare at Ashlees boobs for the next 3 minutes. Is that nip I see? They clear all guns from the premises and get ABC's resident therapist on standby, Lindsay curses, and they start the ceremony. Thank goodness Harrison is done with the "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight" statement. He hands out the first rose to Lindsay easily, then we spend a painful 45 seconds watching Sean turn beet red and almost shit his pants before he calls Catherines name. Catherine is physically scared to walk up and receive the rose, not wanting to turn her back on the crazy lady who was just abandoned, again. She drills into him with her eyes for another 45 seconds before storming off to the awaiting SUV. After a freaky silence, she speaks. The first words out of her mouth are surprisingly jabbing at the two other girls, saying that this wasn't a joke to her. Not a joyride, laughing, joking, and having fun. Then she predictably melts down and they cut camera. I wonder how she is now? I was following her on Instagram and then she made herself private. Guess she is still alive.

I must take a moment and talk about the Finale set. I'm going to talk about it again when it airs, and probably before that, because it is THAT bad. Every year, for some reason, ABC choses to round up driftwood to surround the Season Finale set, where the proposals happen. I never have understood it. But for some even more odd reason, this year they have found bigger, worse driftwood, and stood it on end, so it is huge. I can't even believe it. Are they serious? It is almost like flashing a Wizard of Oz scene in the middle of a show, but no one would ever do that. It is too weird.