Hometown dates: Where all the crazy family and baggage the girls have been trying to hide comes out.
Ashlee:
We start this with Sean and Ashlee commencing the 475th picnic, with wine, in Bachelor history. They are in a vacant lot literally in the midst of weeds. In the words of my mom "Those are freaking weeds. You want to know how I know? Because I try to get rid of them at Big Horn (Our family's camping property)!" Haha. She drones on about how much she loves him and trusts him and then they do nothing fun. Is her voice nasal-y? They go to her parents house and we meet the Preacher who has his hair spiked for the cameras. He starts in by asking Sean exactly what they have done from night one until this very minute. He wants a play-by-play. Then Ashlee starts in on how every single experience she has had has been an analogy to her real life abandonment issues. She was baptized by immersion in Canada and "left it all in the water" and started fresh with Sean, for example. Her dad tears up right along with her and they half-crank their heads and smile at each other. She tells her parents they got "steamy" in St. Croix, and neither of them look amused. At this point I need a Cymbalta. Dad takes Sean off to the porch where he now replays the abandoning story, again, after he immediately gives his permission for them to marry. He actually said "She's been abandoned, and now she is abandoning her heart to you". Coming from someone who would know, I think Ashlee is on the verge and just might kill herself when he sends her home. I kind of think he is scared to send her home because of that.....
Catherine:
Sean shows up in Seattle wearing skinny jeans again, which, again, is not a good look for him. Man, she is fun, but almost too fun. I feel like I am watching my friends in Jr. High. Just as the stench of raw fish sinks into their fingernails, they stick their gum on a disgusting wall of disgusting gum. Seattle is gross. They get to whoevers house they are going to and I am a little confused. She said her dad was Chinese. Her grandma is Polynesian, there is a Japanese doll in the background of the interviewing room, and there is a Hopi Indian rug on the wall. What kind of human is she? Pretty eccentric. Her sisters are darling and apparently down to earth also. They ask Catherine if she would say yes if he proposed and she answers "Yeah, I'll try it out", like he is a used Honda. They ask what she is going to do when the "fun, happy" part is over. Red flags are raising. Then the sisters meet with Sean. They pretty much throw her under the bus by saying that she is super fun and cute, then she gets moody and messy, then things get hard, yada, yada, and now here she is. Her mom ignored the "do you give your blessing" question. Doesn't look good for her. If I didn't know any better *wink wink* I would think for sure she would go home this week. They don't look like they have chemistry to me (which is dumb to say since the producers make it look however they want), but combined with the footage from this hometown.... ehh...
Lindsay:
Sean now puts on yet another sweater out of the gay closet and heads to the military base. He asks 30 times about her dad and how to act and what to say and how to act. She forces him to go antique shopping, then they stop for a much needed beer. Sean says he loves cupcakes, and they have another beer. Poor guy. Then, in a pleasing twist of events, Lindsay makes him put on some Old Navy cargo pants and an Army shirt and she orders him around a park. It was actually really cute. Really. Sean tells the camera he is nervous about the dad, but he makes men out of boys for a living and he hopes he will see the man that Sean is. Sean should show him the red footie suck your thumb picture from last week, that will win him over. Lindsay tells her parents the wedding dress story and conveniently leaves out the part where she gets hammered and almost goes home. The dad talk goes freaking fine and then he gives them dog-tags with the YW values on it. Sean really likes her. I actually do too.
Sidenote - I am following Des, Lesley, Lindsay, Catherine, and Tierra on Instagram. Those girls, minus Tierra, are super spiritual. Quotes, bible verses, hashtagging Jesus. It is actually kind of cool.
Desiree:
I love her. I love her so much I want her to go home and get away from this shit. The opening scene of this date floored me. She is in workout clothes. And not cute ones. Then he has the audacity to show up in the same pink shorts he has worn 13 times this season (which should have been stopped the first time he wore them) (one of the times was rock-climbing with Selma in the harness.... I got a pink package I didn't want....). But that wasn't the worst part - it was the pairing with the shirt. He has on an obviously brand new baseball shirt that was navy blue and dark purple. With light pink tight shorts. I had to pause it to soak in this information. Anyway, I love that she has her own house. Doorbell rings and an apparent ex-boyfriend shows up, asking why she hasn't answered texts or returned calls, telling the camera man to turn off the camera, etc. Big-boy Sean gets worked up and clenches his fists, which the camera-man so beautifully captures. The whole thing is a joke and this tells Sean that he really thinks they could be best friends. Mom and dad show up. Wowza. Anyway, everything goes great, brother and all, then brother decides to 'holla' at Sean for an impromptu second drunk interview with Sean right as they are about to bite into their steaks. Rewind: brother and Des have an unsettling talk where she tells him that Sean makes her happy. Brother, being the dumbass that he is, says "A lot of guys can make you happy. That's not what it is about." Huh? What, pray-tell, is it about my little drunken douchebag? Fast-forward. Did anyone else notice that wall in her house full of degrees? That girl has it together. She is darling. Brother takes Sean out by the pool and pretty much tells Sean he is a man-whore and is not right for his sister. Sean goes that ugly beet-red, and I'm sure had the cameras not been rolling he would have kicked his ass. They walk back in and Des' toothless dad, in an effort to smooth things over, tells Sean matter-of-factly that were they come from they have 4 distinct seasons. That may have been the last straw for him and Sean leaves. Brother reminds me of that guy at the bar, drunk, his nose is crooked from multiple bar fights, he is hammered, and when he gets hammered he gets mouthy. You know? I've been to a lot of bars, so I know.
Ceremony:
I could never put my finger on it, but my mom summed it up nicely by pointing out that that room looks like a French whorehouse. Cheap satin fabric draped all over, neon lights, feathers. Sean stands up there and tells the girls that all of their families were so warm and inviting.... then Des pulls a ballsy move and pulls him out to the foyer. She tells him sorry for her shitty brother and she hopes it didn't ruin anything. He tells her not to worry and that everything will be ok, like he would in his pussy way. However It isn't ok and she should worry. He then tells the girls he has no clue what he is going to do, then easily hands Ashlee and Lindsay a rose, which isn't awkward at all for the other 2. He gets upset and walks out. You'd better hope you got a good headshot on this show, because apparently that is where they turn when they can't decide who they like. While Sean stares at the pictures, Chris walks in and tells him he knows this must be so hard, but figure out what he wants to do and meet him out there. Sean tells him that he seriously doesn't know. Chris then says that his advice is to follow your heart and take your time, but you have about 2 minutes. Sean does his dumbest thing yet and sends Des home. She sweetly but firmly tells him over and over and over he is making a mistake. He tries to comfort her by saying he will miss her, to which she answers, "then don't let me go". Good point, Des. I was pissed for a good 4 hours, but now I'm good. He doesn't deserve her.
Next week: Overnight dates with a virgin. Sounds steamy.
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