Day 3 - something you need to forgive yourself for

Soooo....when all my medical problems started happening in 2003, some things were out of my control, some were in my control. Obviously something extreme was going on hormonally with my body that I couldn't control. Yes, maybe had I kept rigorously exercising like I had been for drill, maybe if I had eaten a little better, maybe if I had kept up with studying scriptures, praying, etc etc, it wouldn't have gotten as bad. I still to this day beat my self up for that. And to top it off, it is still going, every day. Maybe if I had exercised today, maybe if I had played a little more with Max, or read him one more book, etc, etc. It is hard for me to accept that the whole thing isn't my fault and I am where I am because of me.

Another thing I need to let go of is my perception of me being a mom. I feel like such a horrible mom. I feel guilty all the time that I brought Max into this situation, mostly because I "wanted a baby". I clearly wasn't ready, and that it not fair to him. Of course I will try not to, but I am sure any time anything goes wrong in his life I will contribute it, as least a little, to me not being an adequate mom.

I am hard on myself for a lot of things. Some I feel are valid, others, maybe not. I wish I could learn to be nice to myself and accept things. I have felt better about things going through therapy that if I know in my heart I am trying my best, I feel ok about things. My best sucks usually, but if I honestly know I am trying, it makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Hell, this is turning into a big counseling session.