skipping day 21 cause it is dumb

Day 22 - something you wish you hadn't done in your life

1. I wish I didn't neglect Terris so much while she was battling cancer. I only visited her a few times. We were very close growing up - she was a HUGE part of my life and my childhood and I wish I'd have been there for her at the end.

2. Been so dang skanky and rude to people in Jr. High.

3. Gone to SUU after high school. Not ONE good thing came of it. I hated every second of it. All my problems seemed to stem from there or that time period. I wish I'd been close to family and friends during that time. HATE. (Glad Sheriece was with me though!)

day 20 - my view on drugs and alcohol

Well, obviously, I don't think anyone would have much of a different answer than they are stupid. The are bad for your body, addicting, and ruin lives. We have all seen it. I've seen it in my family and with friends and just random people I don't know. I see patients at work who are in the gribbing hands of addiction. Losing thier family, their lives. It is horrible. They turn people into different people. They make people do things they normally wouldn't. They impair judgement. They take away free agency. No good.


On the other hand, at my low points, I have read up on, reasearched, looked into trying some things. I felt so alone and wanted soooooo badly to feel anything different than what I was feeling I was almost willing to try something, just to alter my mood. I felt desperate, like I needed an out, and at that point I didn't care. I didn't care that it was breaking the Word of Wisdom, I didn't care about the effect it might have on my family, my job, etc. I just wanted to escape the horrible, crushing depression.


But I didn't :)

day 19 (er....26, er whatever) what do you think of religion

Sooo, obviously I'm behind. Whatever.

Religion. I'm LDS. I swear a lot, but, yes, I'm LDS and active :) I believe that this is the only true church on the earth right now and that Joseph Smith Jr. restored it. I believe the Book Of Mormon to be true and I love to study and read it. I love prayer and have a testimony of the power of it. I also have a huge testimony of tithing. I was sealed in the temple for time and ALL ETERNITY to my hubby and Max is sealed to us and I love it!

Religion in general I think is good. I think a set of values and morals and looking to a higher being is usually a good thing. There are a lot of good churches (and people) out there, they just don't have ALL the info, if ya know what I mean... :)

On the other hand, there are some whck-job religions out there right now.......good luck to them on  judgement day.

day 18 - my views on gay marriage

Touchy subject in the world right now. My view is simple - no I don't believe in it. I believe marriage is between a man and woman - period. It doesn't mean I hate gays or I don't want them to be happy, etc, etc, I just think marriage is for a guy and gal. I'll leave it at that.

day 17 - what if you found out you were pregnant, what would you do?

SHIT WOULD HIT THE FAN!!! It would not be good. I am NOT at all in a mental or physical place to have another baby. Someone would end up dead for sure. And I'm not talking abortion.

Sad.

Love my IUD!

day 16 - a book you have read recently

I haven't read in a  long time. My dad had this on his Kindle and I thought it sounded interesting. Holy hell. I am about ahlfway through and it just makes me sick. Phillip is one JACKED UP A-HOLE!! So glad they found her!

day 15 - something you could not live without

No, really. Like I would have full on physical symtpoms. I am addicted.

day 14 - something you could live without

Chapstick. Don't ever use it. Hate it when I do use it.

day 13 something you wish you had done in your life

For sure wish I had kept the momentum going that I had in high school, after high school. I kinda slowed down and it really set me up for some bad craaaaap. I don't think i'd be where I am had I just put a little more effort in and stayed in school, stayed active, etc.

Lake Powell

I only had my camera the first day - then I lost it. So this is only one days worth.....

Max did really well, despite the fact he had an ear/sinus infection the whole time (found out yesterday!)

Notice Benj looking like an Arab......

Napping was easy - we just put him in the nose of the boat and it rocked him to sleep :)

Hate catfish/carp/whatever they are. Gross.

This was our day sanctuary. The closest arch was our swimmin hole. It was awesome!

Benj said this looked like a penis and to take a picture.....

THANK GOODNESS FOR GRANDMA!!!!! They loveeeee each other!!

My head got fried, despite my attepmt to shade it....

My cute boys!

Our beach

We went to visit the "Defiant House" and defiantly, I didn't want to go. You had to hike up to it and I am NNNOOOOTTT a hiker. Especially in 115 degree heat at 300 lbs. It was really neat though, a little Indian dwelling at the tope of this ledge.

Them Indians must have been short.....Blair is just a tiny guy and couldn't fit in the door.

It was a fun trip all in all! Thanks Blair and Tam for taking us! I know I am missing a ton of details....but we had fun!

catch up

Day 7 - someone who has made your life worth living: Quite literally, Max & Benj.


Day 8 - someone who has treated you bad: I have been quite blessed really. Most of those around me are good to me, I try to weed out the rest. I have had a few patients at work come unglued at me about their bill....


Day 9 - something that makes you mad: LOL - I have a ton of things that piss me off {SEE SIDEBAR OF PET PEEVES}! I don't know if mad is really the right word, but I cannot tolerate animal cruelty. Can't. It makes me sick/sad/upset. I have pretty bad road rage when I'm worked up. Obama really pisses me off right now.


Day 10 - something people seem to compliment you the most on: Max. Everywhere I go someone says something about his eyes and how beautiful they are. Then they look at me and Benj to see where they come from and as they stare at me it gets all awkward because they didn't come from me really, mine are blue, but not like his  blue. Also, I get compliments on my writing/writing style a lot.


Day 11 - something you don't seem to get compliments on: this is a tough one. Most of the time I think I get complimented and recongnized for what I do right/good. Sometimes I feel like I am a better mom than some think, but maybe it is just better than it was, but really it isn't good. I don't know.


Day 12 - A band/artist that has gotten you through some tough days: I'm not a huge music listener when I am down. I SLEEP. Monster Ballads always made me happy though. Country music got me through the hardest breakup of my life. Don't want to go into details.....

my bi-polar baby

Playing with monkey toy at restaurant, jovial........



Hysterical. Had to leave and drive him around.



Takes after his mommy :)

P.S., I will be gone for 4 days, so I'll catch up lata

day 6 - something you hope you never have to do

The first thing that comes to mind is this:

Hiking up a steep rocky area, in mid August, in Arizona, on day one of my period with only a pad (no tampon), without my sweating medicine, with a toddler. And a huge moth attacks me. Horrible.

But really, I hope I never have to be a single mom. I don't know if I could do it.

day 5 - something you hope to do

Three things:

1. I hope to get my issues under control enough to have another/more babies. I do make cute ones. Don't even argue with me, because I know he is cute and I would know if he wasn't. I am aware he sometimes has the "Ekins" look come out, which isn't good, but overall he is damn cute. 
2. I hope to, again, get my issues under control enough and have the opportunity to go back to school and become an L&D nurse. Dream job. 
3. Also, I hope to be normal weight again sometime. I'm not even asking for skinny, just normal. 

day 4 - something you need to forgive someone for

Well, a few things come to mind, a few of which I cannot talk about on this blog because I know who reads it and it involves them......which leaves of course the jerk-off boys in 7th grade. The two standouts are Jon Hatch and Shane Wilbur. They were so freaking rude to me. Everytime I'd walk by them or one of their friends they would yell "RuPaul", throw things at me, constantly mock and make fun. Shane even spit on me once. I remember missing the bus more than once because they would throw pop bottles at me while I ran to the bus. I got reamed in the head pretty good once. Whatever, but that is when the depression really got bad. 7th grade sucks, for anyone, but they made it especially hard. I missed a good 3 months of school I think due to struggling with self-esteem and bullying. I have had a hard time forgiving them, still to this day. Benj grew up with Jon and they are actually still friends and I have such a hard time even accepting that. I know I need to forgive and forget, but I can't help but think they got the stone rolling that has now turned into a mountain. I know I need to forgive them and get past it. They were immature 8th grade boys. Jon is really a nice kid now. I am a big girl (literally) and need to grow up and get over it. It was a long time ago. I'm sure it would help me in my journey if I did.

Day 3 - something you need to forgive yourself for

Soooo....when all my medical problems started happening in 2003, some things were out of my control, some were in my control. Obviously something extreme was going on hormonally with my body that I couldn't control. Yes, maybe had I kept rigorously exercising like I had been for drill, maybe if I had eaten a little better, maybe if I had kept up with studying scriptures, praying, etc etc, it wouldn't have gotten as bad. I still to this day beat my self up for that. And to top it off, it is still going, every day. Maybe if I had exercised today, maybe if I had played a little more with Max, or read him one more book, etc, etc. It is hard for me to accept that the whole thing isn't my fault and I am where I am because of me.

Another thing I need to let go of is my perception of me being a mom. I feel like such a horrible mom. I feel guilty all the time that I brought Max into this situation, mostly because I "wanted a baby". I clearly wasn't ready, and that it not fair to him. Of course I will try not to, but I am sure any time anything goes wrong in his life I will contribute it, as least a little, to me not being an adequate mom.

I am hard on myself for a lot of things. Some I feel are valid, others, maybe not. I wish I could learn to be nice to myself and accept things. I have felt better about things going through therapy that if I know in my heart I am trying my best, I feel ok about things. My best sucks usually, but if I honestly know I am trying, it makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Hell, this is turning into a big counseling session.

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Well, it's a shitty day for this post. Worst day I've had in a long time.


If I had to chose, I'd say my ability to make people laugh and feel comfortable. I think I'm a pretty good people person, when I'm up for it.

30 days of truth

I know, I know, it isn't as cool as witty Bachelorette commentary, but a friend of mine is doing this, a good friend, and I am learning stuff I didn't know! So, here goes:

Day #1
Something you hate about yourself:
Wow, where to start. Bad question to ask a depressed person. I guess really, that is it, the depression. It has ruined my life. It has hurt Benj, my family, and I'm sure Max. I hate hate hate it. I am working hard to get it under control. Even 1% better is still better (learned that in counseling!). I just hate that it is so hard on my family and friends and is so debilitating to me. I had so much potential and I hate that it is gone and a lot of it is my own fault. I wish I just had more willpower and more strength to control it. It is still so hard to get out of bed each day. After what, 15 years of dealing with it? Sometimes it is all I can do to just get through the day. Or the hour. Blah!!!

my little fish

I took Max and his huge head to the Highland Splash Park again tonight. He can't even stand it he loves water so much! He has been sick-ish (I know, I prob shouldn't have taken him, don't judge me), but man that kid just has a ball. Today he caught on to climbing the little rocks and that is pretty much what we did - rock climb. (These are pics from my phone - not the best quality)

Aaaand, we both stepped in dog shit or throw up or something. The second video gets a good shot of it at the very end.