Thursday, April 29, 2010

Swimsuit Drama

I don't know if anyone remembers last year, but I'm not doing that again! Here's the story, Part One and Part Two

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Answering Service at the Mental Institute


In light of my recent 'issues', this is not far off......

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Monday, April 26, 2010

Is this NORMAL??


This is out of my brush every time I use it. And this is a pretty small batch compared to others I've gotten out. There is always another one that size in the drain when I shower, and another after I blowdry my hair. I have bald spots on the top of my head....What is going on!!?

Friday, April 23, 2010

So I have been keeping a list this week of things that make me happy. One for each day. This is what I came up with, in addition to the Dr Pepper, hot showers, and Max, that make me happy or at least smile every day!
  • Saturday: New, tight hair elastics. Good, solid hold for that perfect bun or ponytail. Especially good since I don't do my hair.
  • Sunday: Max's toes. I kid you not he could break your arm with his toe grip.
  • Monday: Hart's Big Chills. Drive Thru. Nice people. Great experience.
  • Tuesday: The sound of a can of pop opening. Ahhhhh....
  • Wednesday: A good thick straw. None of that skinny straw crap. Takes too long to get that Dr P in me!!
  • Thursday: That the pregnancy reset my thermostat. Before and during I was CONSTANTLY hot. I was going to DIE! Now I am normal, or maybe even cold. So refreshing!
  • Friday: The smell of wet cement. Mmmm!! Also the smell of the AC when you turn it on and it's rainy. Love!
So, looking back, 3 of them have to do with my beloved DP. Maybe I need to tone it down a bit, what do you think?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Fishing

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Silly Boy!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Important Questions

In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she? Creepy.

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "My head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?

What happens if you put 'this side up' face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?

Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put
them at the end of the bathrooms? They sure put 15 handicapped parking spaces right next to the doors.

What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?

On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?

and finally, how do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Drive Thru ATM's

This is sooo me!

MALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Put window up.
7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down.
6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9 Insert card.
10 Re-insert card the right side up
11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required.
15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
19 Re-check make-up again.
20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
21 Reverse back to cash machine.
22 Retrieve card.
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27 Release Parking Brake.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Max's Blessing Day

Max was blessed today! We didn't take very many pictures (and the one we did get of him in his outfit didn't turn out really cute....) - it was super shuffly the whole day. Benj did an awesome job! I am so proud of him! Thanks to Benj's fam for hosting a BBQ after, and thanks to Em for the super cute favors! The circle of trust included: Blair (dad), Dale (dad), uncle T, great uncles Jim, Kris, and Chris, and bishop Kirkham. Thanks to everyone.




Saturday, April 17, 2010

Awkward Bowling

We have a ton of fam in town for Max's blessing tomorrow, so we went bowling tonight (yes, again, and I don't know why because I suck so bad it seriously just pisses me off really bad to go). As I sat and watched people, I was fascinated by the awkwardness of the time between when the bowler throws the ball and the time they come back to the start line. From what I can tell, there are 5-6 types.

The normal aftermath:
video
This is where they throw normally, watch for a moment, and then turn and walk back. No awkward looks, no wierd feeling.

The quick turn around:
video
Here, they throw, see that clearly it was a crappy throw, and are disgusted and uninterested enough to just turn around as if to say 'oh, to hell with it,'. In this particular example, the bowler glances back, making sure her initial judgement was correct.

The linger:
video
This example shows the bowler throwing, and then staring at the ball, long after is comfortable for onlookers. I assume the bowler is deeply thinking about what she has just done.

The proud peacock: ,
video
Here we have the bowler who threw, knew it was successful, turns and gives a look or even a statement showing they think they are really good at bowling.

The awkward looks:
video
This bowler throws, turns, and no one is really looking at him or says anything about his turn. He feels dumb and insecure. His eyes look, search for something, anyone, to say something or awknowledge his turn. This one gets me feeling awkward.

Also I noticed "the explainer" but didn't get a shot of it. This is when they throw, watch, and then turn around and promtly start giving reasons and excuses why that throw sucked. Popular phrases include "The ball slipped," and " These shoes are just not sticking like I want,"....

Just some observations.

P.S.
congrats Amanda and Kev!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Cute Boy!





Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Quote of the Day

Even if you are on the right track, you ll get run over if you just stand there.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Quick Pic



Max's first day of church! Isn't he cute!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Lessons Learned

So I thought I'd share a few things that I have learned so far being a mom.

I'll start at the very begining: NO ONE told me about the 3, 10 second hard pushes every 2 minutes for 3 hours part of labor. Had to learn that one the hard way. Rubbish.

That being said, now that he is here, this is what I've gathered:

1. Don't underestimate burping. It is key. No burp = inevitable throw up/upset tummy/fussy. Don't stop burping till they burp.
2. Regardless of what the nurses at the hospital say, a warm bath every night really really helps them sleep.
3. I never realized how much a wet diaper can piss a kid off. They could be hysterical, and really, they just want their bum changed. Simple.
4. Some people say not to do this, but a warm bottle. Especially at night (after the warm bath). It is so much more relaxing and appealing to them and I think they eat better. It will suck I am sure when there is that time where I don't have access to warm water and he won't eat because he is used to it being warm, but for now, warm bottles he will have.
5. Always have a spare binki.
6. You always hear that new moms are tired. NO REALLY, you will be tired. Horibbly tired.
7. You do A LOT more laundry.
8. Some say to do on demand feeding, some stick to a schedule. My thing is if he is sleeping, for hell sakes let him sleep. If he is hungry, he will wake up. Don't be freaking messing with his sleep. I wouldn't want it, and neither does he.
9. He really responds to me talking to him. I felt like an idiot at first, but just do it, they like it.
10. I have yet to be peed on by him, and this is why: Keep your eye on the penis. If it starts sticking up, cover it up. I guess that could go for all men in general. But keep in mind, it is better to be peed on than thrown up on, and that I have had happen 30 million times.
11. I know this is very bad, very frowned upon, but tummy sleep (supervised, of course). He sleeps soooo much better on his tummy. (Don't freak out, this is only for small naps with an adult present during the day, never at night...)
12. And lastly, don't hesitate to ask for help. Really, take it from me, take all you can get so you don't end up in the loony bin! If someone offers, take the damn offer and run with it, run with it to your bed and sleep until they won't help anymore.

I dedicate this post to Amanda, my little 37 weeks prego friend. By no means am I am expert, but I thought I could share what has worked and not worked for me.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The "incher" + drug tests

I can't help myself, I have a few annoying things to whine about.

First and foremost: that guy that 'inches' forward at a red light 'anticipating' the green light. It is especially annoying/amusing when it doesn't turn green and they look like a big idiot sticking 6 feet into the middle of the intersection. I kid you not, this guy today had full on 'inched' into the middle of the intersection and cars were like going around him because he 'anticipated' his green light wrong. My hell that is irritating!!

Another thing is when someones house is for sale and they have that little box in front that holds papers with info about the house and it's empty. I can see maybe a day or two; they ran out and haven't refilled yet; but there is this house on my block that it has been empty for like 6 months. No wonder it is not sold yet... don't.

AND.... I was in the ER a few weeks ago (long story) and got the bill this week...they charged $1560.35. WHAT THE HELL!? Don't!!!!! I have good insurance and I still owe like $700! AND they drew blood while I was there, and what I was there for did not require blood being drawn at all, so I asked the nurse why they were doing it and she mumbled something about checking my thyroid and 'hormone levels'. So turns out they were running every freaking DRUG test known to man! Just tell me if that is what you are doing, don't lie! Ugh! (Now that I verbalize this I am all rawled up and am ready to write a letter or two to management...)

So, on that note, FHE this week was on gratitude and having a good attitude and being nice and stuff, and then at work today we had a customer service meeting about attitude, etc, so I feel guilty like I need to say something positive now to counteract the above statements. Think someone is trying to tell me something?

Max is starting to smile the last few days. I haven't caught it on camera yet because it always startles him and he stops smiling. I got this one of his pretty blue eyes though! Love! (kind of a wierd angle = wierd face shape)


I'm into coloring lately. Yesterday I was at my moms helping babysit and she has these cool crayons that I love! I push so hard when I color and write that I always break the crayons, and this solves that!


Also, the pedatrician said I can switch formulas now, so can use all the stuff I have! I got a bunch of samples from work while I was preggers and I have a TON of it and wasn't going to be able to use it because he was on soy for a minute. Yay for not buying formula for a few months!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010