Bachelorette week whatever - hometown dates

It is with great regret that I bring this commentary to you. I hated every second of watching this week.

Remember this shoot from last season? One shot she had seashells over her boobs (or where her boobs were supposed to be). That was ridiculous. Should have been a sign. That episode held more excitement than this whole season thus far, however.

• Cheesy recap of all the guys - everything is "soooooo" this and "sooooo" that.
• She says Ben F is "soooo" manly. Aside from gay men, he is quite possibly in my top 5 most un-manly people. She is such a horrible judge of anything I cannot even believe it at this point.
• Also Ben - never a dull moment?? Are they editing out all the non-dull moments, because I haven' seen anything close to being lively out of him. Anyone??
• Constantine is gorgeous. Am I missing this also? His face is a mess of disproportionate features and his hair is oh so bad. And that is putting it lightly.
• I can barely muster up any witty-ness or even interest, so bear with me.
• I noticed this last week but didn't mention it, but on the train date with Constantine, she is sitting on a TOWEL. Her skinny little ass is too good for the Chinese train?
• Her yappy dog is yapping at her heels like Ryan was on a group dates.
• She keeps saying Ames is "unique" and when she says unique, she means "gay", she just doesn't know it.
• Ok, it is to the point now where I feel bad for him. Clearly something is wrong with him.
• She would have a yappy dog.
• Is there a need to show a huge ahem-shaped water tower while showing the name of Constantines hometown "Cummings"?
• I can't believe #1 he hasn't done something with his thinning wavy/fuzzy, parted down the side hair, let alone #2 Ashley, #3 the producers, or at the very least #4 someone random who sees him on the street. I'd almost, almost, tackle him with an electric razor. It's that bad.
• They've had one good date. Talking proposal? Anyone see anything wrong with that?
• Benj just made it very clear that Ashley is very not good looking. He's still talking about it and I'm zoning out now. Still talking.
• She fiddles with her bangs a lot.
• Benj still going.
• Thier conversations are like they are in 8th grade on their first date still.
• She makes a mean PBJ. That was a stupid comment Ash. He OWNS a restaurant. An Italian/Greek restaurant. That was dumb to say.
• The flock of waitresses "love him". They love to be on TV is what they love.
• PUT ON GLOVES AND A HAIR NET IF YOU ARE COOKING.
• The Mexicans feel invaded.
• Does she have a blazer on? Shoulder pads?
• She's made a 360 with wardrobe this week. Trying to be modest? Don't go from nipple to blazer. Where the hell are the stylists???
• The waitresses are like hens, gaggling, giggling, cackling. Annoying.
• Big house.
• Baby blue balloons = newborn baby announcement.
• Remember that one season with that one guy on the hometown date who lived like in a duplex with his mom and had mold problems and almost died?
• Another yappy dog.
• His sister is cuter than Ashley.
• This is such a good, down to earth, normal family. She isn't deserving.
• I can't identify one item of food on that table.
• Mom thinks they need more time. Right, it has been 6 weeks. 2 dates.
• His mom is humongous compared to Ash.
• Moms biggest concern was whether or not Ashley would re-locate? Really? Not about love, breaking his heart, compatibility, family, religion, but re-locating. Ok.
• I think someone tried to teach the dad English like 45 minutes before the show aired.
• He says she has a gorgeous personality. Haha. In mormon terms = a "sweet spirit".
• WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOG DOING IN A SUNDRESS AND PIGTAILS????? ANYONE?????
• 3000 people just walked in. Damn greeks.
• I wish someone would freaking throw money at me.
• Woah, grandma is semi-humping the couch there. Pretty excited but can't stand up?
• He's too good for her.
• Ames. Lives in Chad's Ford. I bet they own the town (or township? estate? state of PA??)
• I wouldn't be surprised if he had full on powdered wig servants in colonial garb who dressed him in the morning and toted him around in that carriage when he was feeling 'jaunty'. He needed to live in the 1800's. For sure.
• They always set them up 50 yards apart so they have to awkwardly jog/run to each other.
• An excited Ames with wind-blown hair greets Ash.
• She throws around the word "unique" when she's with him like she used to throw around the word "Bentley". There is probably not going to be any "throwing around" in the Fantasy Suite next week I predict.....
• His boxers are hanging out. His flannel cutoff shirt doesn't cover his awkwardly shaped body.
• Yep, here is where the ugly comes from. Namely the sister and brother. Wow.
• What the freaking hell is the brother in law wearing? Bright electric blue polka dot shirt?
• Also, I think he is also mute.
• They aren't even sitting by each other.
• I can think of 14 other things I'd rather be doing right now than watching this.
• Ok, Ash isn't answering sisters questions at all.
• She wants to know more about Ames, like a science experiment she is researching. It is because he is wierd. And she is stupid as hell.
• Smitten is a cute word.
• When you say "smitten kitten" it ruins it though. Remember that.
• Ames says she has handled hard situations well so far. Wow, wait till he watches the show back.
• Sister looks huge next to Ashley too. Maybe Ashley is just tiny.
• Ok, the mom is homely too. Baaad genes.
• She is cheerleader-ish.
• "The world is your oyster" says his mom. I'd get up and walk out right then if I were Ashley. In fact, if my mother in law ever says the word oyster to me, I will walk out. Don't.
• ROOSTER!! Did you see those large running roosters on the table??? What the hell?
• Sister seems pretty normal, aside from her being ugly. Something is wrong with him.
• He always has a goofy grin on his face. I really feel bad for him.
• Indian print couch. Indian print couch.
• Ames, button up your flannel too-small shirt.
• Yeah, the decor in there is just jacked up.
• Don't you think that someone, the camera-man, Ashley, his mom, someone, would have, should have told him his underwear was hanging out like 3 feet right during the lead in to the 'romantic' picnic???
• Bless his heart. This is a normal afternoon for him. Strolling in the gardens. Contemplating Italian Renaissance history, sipping wine.
• Boarding school. Bad grades. No friends. Nerdy. It's not hard kids, combine this with the short arms, the pregnant forehead, the constant concussion-like state he is in. Something is off. Really off.
• They think the same she says. No, they don't. He is smart, and she is very very dumb. Does she just not know what else to say because she cannot understand him??
• Ok, the romance everyday Italian word speech didn't go over well. She doesn't know what it means. I don't know what it means.
• Due to the absence of food at this picnic, Ashley again chews on her lips and face. It's a wonder she has any lip or cheek left.
• ABC crew forgot to touch up the badly reddish-ness chin of her there.
• Hmm, I saw some boob there. Must have been really smashed into a Victoria push up and hitting her inner arm or something.
• His hair, too, looks horrible right now. 80's blowdried.
• I feel like he feels like he is in 1876.
• She is out of her league here on this little plantation. And by that I mean they just are on different pages. Books, even.
• He needs someone more suitable for him. For sure not a fake dentist who has looked for love on a reality dating show (twice). Emma Doolittle type would probably suit him better.
• Ames sum up: Possibly gay. Shy/awkward kid. Lost 2 male role models early on, raised by mom and sister, and servants, and who knows about the brother. They didn't even speak. Spends time daydreaming about magnolias, sailing in the remote ocean somewhere exotic, and wearing red pants. He is a nice guy. May end up with a "girl named Eve or a guy named Steve", and for sure some sort of syndrome going on. If I were a Mayo Clinic Internal Med doc, I'd snatch him up start a damn controlled study.
• You may have noticed I am not commenting on commercials. I am fast-forwarding thru them because Max is literally biting at my feet to go home.
• Do you know how annoying it is to be watching this show and hving your toes bitten at the same time? 
• Ben. I have been to Sonoma. Hate. Hot, dry, hot. Can't drink wine.
• He takes his place 50 yards from her so they can run to each other.
• Here, we see some of the spider monkey-ness come out in here from last season.
• Yay! She gets wine! To feed her dad-alcoholic side! Woo!
• I need some wine just to bear watching him. He is so boring.
• I wonder if I would like wine. If have thought, while I am sitting here uninterested, that if I were to ever try alcohol, it would probably be in the form of a wine-cooler. Just sayin. Anyway, back to the show.
• He gets the wine out of a horse sized medicine dropper?? Maybe that is normal.
• No comment, thank goodness, about the taste of his wine. I bet it is thiei first time being together without her saying something.
• Why, why would they chose to sit on the sopping wet porch of a random cabin?
• Why do they all have to have 'picnics' on every show, every date?
• She vacantly stares. A LOT.
• Thier kids would have horrible hair.
• Again, eveliner goes OVER the fake lashes.
• They have to like you. It has to be good. Otherwise, it just doesn't work for him. Pretty high stakes. . . .
• Ok, I understand having acceptance from family. But he is what, 30? Use your balls and make your own decisions.
• Lots of "umm" and "wow" and "really" from her there.
• Yep, ugly genes in this family too.
• Awkward greeting. Ashley and sister look awkwardly at each other and decide to ignore each other for the moment.
• Ironically, skeptical sister signed him up for this bullshit.
• Is his mom albino? They aren't showing her. I think she is.
• Mom has lace glued to the front of the shelves in the kitchen.
• You can hear Ashley's cackle in the bakground during the dull conversation between large sister and Ben. Man she is obnoxious.
• Another bad couch. Floral.
• Hmm, Ben has also taken to the lip biting.
• I've teared up twice during the show now. Don't know why. Only things I can think of are #1 I might start my period, #2 I missed my night-time meds last night, or #3 I feel really bad for Ames.
• Ok, this whole segment with Ben F they are talking about his dad. Nothing to do with Ashley.
• Ok, Ashley is just tiny. Or these guys have some gi-normous sisters.
• Not feeling this.
• SCANDALOUS MATERIAL = RATINGS. (Bentley). I am borrrrred.
• He is very emotional about his dad. He needs to go here.
• "Over the top" "incredible"?? Did I miss something.
• JP's moms button shirt is awesome. Of all the shirts in the entire world, she chose that to be on national TV. It gets worse toward the bottom too.
• I like the skating. I don't care what anyone says, I think it is cute.
• The white tunic is back.
• Cue disco ball and 90's love ballad.
• Shit. His dad's name is Peter. See this, and check out #1.....
• 2 strikes for JP. #1. Dad's name is Peter = the "P" in JP stands for Peter. #2. That one time I saw a long fingernail.
• It's not bad considering all the other guys have at least 15 strikes each.
• Lasagna and roller skating is a stark contrast from Ames' firing up the family carriage and taking her over the river and through the woods among flora and fauna for a picnic under the magnificent magnolia.
• Bottle of wine and 2 dixie cups (3 AM I fell in love) (Kenney Chesney song there) (I am bored) (fishing for material)
• Brother = lisp + jacked up nose. And it is surprisingly proportionate, so probably not from a fight. Just born with a freaking wierd extra bone or something.
• More face chewing from Ash.
• She is 79 pounds and has the gall to refuse seconds on homemade lasagne in a New York household??
• Oh no. 3rd strike JP. No socks and loafers. Damn, I thought he was better than that.
• JP's mom sports a good example of a cute craft gone wrong.
• I feel bad. All this hype about his getting hurt. Look at the odds. What, 47 seasons of this show and ONE made it? Two, if you count Ali and Roberto? Chances are....
• For hell sakes, finally, a normal couch.
• Wow, even more buttons than I initially thought on that sweater of moms.
• Ashley is an interrupter. I am too, but she is more annoying than me.
• The top of Ashley's shirt looks like an LDS wedding dress. Again, from aereola to temple wedding dress.
• PerFACT.
• Love the barmitzva poster.
• JP is good at saying what things look like, which I am also good at. (Kirk Cameron + Dougie Howser. Ostrich + Elton John, etc)
• Was that lamp made of soap?
• Is she in a black velvet dress? My sister had a freaking forrest green short long sleeved prom dress in like 1993 that looks exactly like that. ExACTly.
• CH says Ben is cool and confident? On my first bachelorette post I pinned him as "ruffled and insecure. Bad hair." Hmm, I'm right on, I'd say.
• Let me just point out that at first they listed Ames as a "banker" and tonight they had him as a "portfolio manager" or some shit. Are those the same thing and I just don't know about it??
• The look on CH face everytime I see him is screaming "Can't this crap of a season be  over already!??"
• Ames: CLOSE YOUR HUGE MOUTH
• Is it just me of is the decor in the mansion house leftover masquerade-ish? What the?
• JP lights up when she comes in. Love it.
• Ames is out. He looks around like he doesn't know what to do.
• He just winked at her. Or twitched. Maybe a  side-effect of his unknown syndrome.
• His exit talk with her: "beautiful, full of the unexpected, and more poetic than he could imagine" and then he SHAKES HER HAND. This, my friend, is why you are leaving.
• He is still smiling. Mouth open.
• Ok, here is where I am really not happy. He's a mess and she is an idiot and the whole show is a train wreck that I can't take my eyes away from, but this, him leaving, makes me feel like I am watching a bully pick on a handicapped kid. I am sick to my stomach. I hate it. I have felt a little sick since I had those chicken nuggets in the McDonalds inside Wal-Mart though. Either way, I feel bad.
• I can't believe he shook her hand.
• Traveling the world and having adventures alone is - LOOOONG PAUSE - "less enticing"
• He just wants to be loved. I can't take it. Heartbreaking.
• I am already pissed about her indian half shirt on the plane next week.
• They make a JP scene look bad. This could mean bad things, could mean nothing. Remember last season, the scene with Emily and Brad that made it look like she was leaving? Tricky producers.
• Her sister sounds like a bitch. Good, maybe some excitment.

Sorry kids, not much to work with.

Thanks for listening.