Bachelorette week 7: Tai---want this to be over!

I thought about just not watching this week and wingin it. It would go something like this:

• See thru tunic
• Bentley
• Crying
• Whine
• Wine

But I got a sitter and went to my moms (who gives me great insight) and watched the damn thing.

• Not a lot of people know about Taiwan? Really? Am I just really smart? 80% of things in America have a "Made in Taiwan" sticker one them......
• Ben, for the LOVE, please don't wear that cap. I detest those caps. I think I even posted about it a while back. You like like a stupid homosexual ELF.
• Ames. You are on nataional TV and already are questionable looking with your short arms and jacked up face. For hell sakes don't wear a flannel button up with sweats.
• Can't they find a pond that isn't muddy for her to contemplate by?
• I feel like it is way to early for the "hometown" dates. Do any of them even know each other? The guys have more of a connection with each other than any of them have with her.
• Why is Chris 50 feet away from the guys? He needs a megaphone. What? I can't hear?!
• Ryan has man boobs. Or woman boobs. He just has boobs.
• Spoiled little shits. They are all idiots and get to stay in these de-lux hotels and "vistas". Poor Lucas, he surely cannot appreciate any of it. He just wants a beer and ESPN.

Just thought I'd throw Mask in, for old times sake.

• Noooo!! I just saw a long fingernail on JP. Shit, I think he is ruined for me now. Yes, it is that big of a deal. If I saw it on Benj = I would immediately not be attracted to him, at least until he cut it. Even then, it would always be in the back of my mind.
• Someone remind me = I don't ever want to go to Taiwan.
• Wow, JP is getting a little aggressive.
• I'm afraid that vein in his head is about to pop.
• Man, when I said at the beginning that Constantine was a train wreck from the neck up - I got it right on.

• I do like the steam engine train. Maybe just been watching a lot of Thomas the Train.
• Does he have a blue pearl bracelet on? Yes, he does.
• I know it keeps coming up, but man her clothes..... When you have really skinny bull legs, you can't wear sprayed on jeans. YOU LOOK STUPID.
• Don't piggy back.
• He is very normal. Too normal for the show. I'm surprised he is still on, actually.
• Hmm.... we are about 10 minutes into it and no mention of you know who. Refreshing.
• Ryan hasn't had a one on one yet and he is ready to take her home to meet his parents - get engaged. That really sheds light on how dumb this process is.
• Date card says gorgeous - spelled (quickly pointed out by frat boy Ames) gorges. She probably thinks that is how it is spelled. Either that or they are going to gorge a pig or something. Either way.
• Man, I have seen a lot of her skin.
• LOVE LOVE the lanterns. Love the idea, the way it looks, so romantic, lovvvvee!!
• Why are they in a ballroom dance hold during that kiss?
• I can't stand it, I love the lanterns.
• What happens when the fire goes out? Taiwan just gets littered with broken dreams haphazardly painted on a piece of faded red fabric??
• He's never been happier? I hate those absolute statements that are so dramatic they aren't even real. Those are things you say on your wedding day or the birth of a child day. Not on a day in Taiwan with an idiot.
• Either ABC is editing out any meaningful conversation, or these two have zero connection.
• Yep, a dog just peed on thier freshly painted lantern. That is almost as awesome as last weeks They thought they were saying "eat it" and they were saying "idiot".
• Ok, Ben says it better, he hasn't been this happy in a long time.
• I hate techno music.
• ****commercial "It's singeing me" (the sun) freaking funny.
• Ben is a NERDDD. Soo bad. Holy shit.
• Funny freaking quote from my mom (picture her curled up in a blanket in a darkened room with only her head popping out, just pissed as can be about the show) "He looks like a nosebleed. A pathetic nosebleed." LMAO
• NERD. GEEK. WOW.
• It's like a fairytale? Um, note to whoever cares, my fairytale DOES NOT include Taiwan or a moped, much less them together. And not with this loaf.

• What the hell is in that HUGE bag she is carrying? 72 hour kit? Probably freaking picnic supplies, which on this show = wine.
• Ryan says his energy level is high. I predict he dies at 40 of a freaking heart attack.
• Ok, with her wardrobe. It's getting pathetic. They are  just wrapping fabric around her and tie this here, rip that there, leave that open there, hike it up there.... good hell.
• "This wine tastes like yours," she says. For the 3rd time on the show. Every time they have wine she says it. Either he has a very generic tasting wine, or she can't think of anything to say.
• He wants to take it to the next level = sex.
• She's "got him" = he's horney.
• She is such a dummy. She cannot pay attention to a conversation for 5 freaking seconds. Does anyone else see this??
• He kind of looks like a Ferret. I had a ferret once, his name was Butch.
• He also kind of looks like Constantines younger, slightly better looking brother.
• ****commercial Why would you put flowers in the fridge?
• Oh snap! Big Ben slept over. He denies any sexual contact, which is dumb of him.
• I can't even listen to him when he is wearing that stupid cap. He looks like such a douche.
• Ryan takes to the balcony to soak up the suns positive energy while the rest of the guys are pissed.
• Ashley thinks the best option for a group date at this point is to take fake Chinese wedding photos.
• I've thought some of the dates before were dumb. Even really dumb. But this, this is outrageous. If I were a contestant, I'd rip the big microphone box off my back and high-tail out of there. This would be the last straw. It almost was for me just now.
• She asks them if they are excited, they all just kind of stand there.
• Can't someone help Ames get dressed? Now he has one some sort of cargo pants and a females shirt.
• An ostrich and Elton John. Well said.
• Drink up, boys. They would have wine there in that shady studio that is apparently famous.
• Lucas theme, traditional, since he is traditional. Smart......
• Rule of dating #4, don't make the guy wear a gold dress, especically in front of other guys. Much less take a picture of it.
• Guys usually don't even like to take those photobooth pictures.
• He's pissed. Rightly so.
• What the hell is Ames' theme?
• Cruel of the producers to make him, of all the guys, wear that.
• WTH!!!!!
• Ok, JP is supposed to be the traditional western (American) wedding. Cue the Moab backdrop that has clearly been folded up in the back room for 10 years and is still wrinkled.
• Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
• My mom is just shoving candy in her mouth, pissed off.
• Haha, she just stood up and left the room about it.
• She's lingering back in.
• She's back.
• ****commercial Paige Davis needs to go back to Broadway. Or something. Anywhere but on my TV where I can see her.
• Mom comment re: commercial, after mumbling about the color selections for appliances "If you are in the market for a neon green washer-dryer combo, something is wrong with you."
• Ames has red pants on.
• Ames has red pants on.
• RED, possibly pink. Where do you even buy those? Gap, maybe. And I don't think they'd even have his size. What the hell ever. Way worse that whoever it was who wore the yellow pants - school bus outfit.
• Awww, they didn't have as much fun as she'd thought. Really?
• Yep, just saw her aerola through her see-thru shirt. Now it's just the va-jay-jay I haven't seen. It won't be long.
• Lucas and her are dancing again. To no music.
• Ames has his red pants stuffed with old family photos.
• He was "quite unpopular". Almost sad. He really is a nice guy.
• Ryan is just bursting BURSTING with energy to see Ashley. They really haven't even met.
• He probably singing some sort of happy tune in his head and spots her, starts trotting, and then full on 50 yeard dashes it.
• Awkward.
• Since when are bricks shaped like apple wedges?
• They are talking about the size of the fish.
• Woah, back up, I kind of drifted away in my mind from the show and now Ryan is reciting his final term paper he submitted to the development board of the Environmental Protection Agency re: tankless water heaters.
• Over-animated.
• She doesn't like him, but doesn't know how to handle it. Surprise. She doesn't know how to handle much. Has she really 'handled' anything thus far without huge drama??
• She has NO CLUE what is going on. Her back is cool though.
• Ryan kind of looks/acts like a sunflower.
• "Why doesn't every house have a tankless water heater?" Why??
• It really isn't a bad idea - just not now, not from him.
• Yeah, send him home. I'm fine.
• "You mean you don't want to meet my family?"
• She answers with silence.
• Long silence.
• I made a PBJ, went pee, and wrote the first half of this recap.
• I think he threw up behind the bushes.
• WTH is the camera man doing? Wierd close-ups, nostril, leaf, bush.
• For hell sakes they made him walk home! He's getting a taxi!
• Bah-bye, Ry.
• Love JP's dimples.
• His lips are wierd though. No color or something.
• Ok, I want to sit her down, or whatever hollywood stylist is doing her makeup and lashes, and teach them Drill Team makeup 101 - eyeliner goes OVER the fake lashes, so they don't look soooo fake. Also, any powder (shadow or facial) goes on before the lashes so they don't get powdery. OK?????
• She moans when people kiss her and I don't like it.
• I can't watch Ames. He makes me feel all awkward.
• You think he is possibly color-blind? Look at that electric blue tie.
• I'm adding it to the list. Freakishly short arms, downs face, social skills problem, color-blind.
• He has a slap bracelet on.
• Also, he looks dumbfounded all the time.
• And, jaundice?
• Still no talk of YOU KNOW WHO.  :)
• Pre-rose ceremony talk with CH:
• CH: For hell sakes when is this shit going to end?
• A: I know Chris. I’m ready to find my true love too. Sending Ryan home was hard but I didn’t want to get his family involved.
• CH: Do you need to borrow my freaking chapstick before you go down there? You seem to have a lip biting issue.
• A: No Chris. I don’t need your chapstick because I don’t need a rose ceremony.
• CH: Great. Emily is arriving any moment. Someone, get her out of here. And get her a prozac so she'll shut up and quit crying.
• First time in a long time she has had a glimmer of confidence and made a damn decision.
• Sooo, apparently, she has just given up on a bra altogether.
• Man, as the camera scans the line of guys, I can't help but notice this really is a bunch of non-good looking men.
• Ames bends over to accept the rose and OH MAN - the whole back of his jacket is safety pinned together!!!!! Rewind it! What the?
• Lucas is probably relieved. I think the gold dress pushed him over the edge.
• Op, there goes her confidence.
• She needs meds and/or counseling. Really.
• She hates feeling like this. Well, we hate hearing about it.
• I'm excited, halfway, to see Ames' fam and where the hell he comes from.

EMILY:

1. She is freaking hot.
2. CH says some of the Bachelor/ette couples have stayed together? ONE has. One.
3. She is so damn cute. I love her.
4. I was hoping for juicy details about the breakup and a possible contract for her to be the next Bachelorette.
5. Nope, just CH asking the same thing 9 times and her sweetly, politically correctly answering.
6. That shirt makes her boobs look big = she looks fat-ish
7. Something is wrong with her mouth. Botox? TMJ? Something is off.
8. Of course mom gives her the benefit of the doubt and says she is just nervous, which is making her mouth all wierd.
9. My opinion: Brad owns a bunch of bars with his bros. He likes the nightlife. He probably drinks a little too much. He has a temper. He isn't good enough for her.
10. She was mistaken that if you love each other, it will work. Nope. We all find that out eventually.
11. Suck on this: think of the guys this season - then think of her in place of Ashley. None of them are even close to being on the same level as her.

Thanks for listening. I'm too tired to proof-read.