Bachelorette week 9: Obama?

I got all set up: DP, notebook, pillows adjusted, turned on the tube and there sits Obama yapping. I was sick to my stomach, for many reasons, but I didn't know what to do with myself. After 30 minutes of frantically trying to find the show "live" online, he finally shut up and the show began. Phew. Not like I am excited or anything.

My sum-up is this: Ryan is back, and so is her half-shirt.

I couldn't help myself, so I googled "Ashley Hebert wardrobe" and got me some good content. I don't feel solid with my commentary this week, so I had to supplement. There are a lot of pics. Bear with me.

Crappy photo, but her classic "button up tied in the front with stretch dance pants" look.

Last years stupid seashell shoot I was talking about last week. She looks way different with blonde hair..... er something.

One of the many backless numbers she has pulled out. (I know that isn't her...)

Also, isn't her, but the indian fabric wrapped around her and made into a makeshift skirt, skirt.

See-thru man shirt. One of 400 this season. Note the white jeans.

This I actually wasn't that freaked out by. It looks better on the model, first of all. Ashley's was more fluffy. But then I saw that it is actually called a tutu and I was done with it. Threw me over the edge. And yes, I know this is a black woman, not Ashley. 

This is her "most amazing" date last year with Brad. We should have seen it coming. I think it is also a form of a tutu.

Pretty much a robe. I had a similar one I wore around the room on our HONEYMOON.

LMAO. This is when the dumb producers did that "make everything move fast in the background" shot. Whatever. See thru man shirt with stretch-pants and stripper shoes.

This just kills me. It looks like she is ready for a production of Polyanna. Really??

See thru shirt + stretch pants. She switches it up, however, with a belt.....

See thru man shirt - stretch pants....

This little diddy I cannot fathom. Why, for the love, would any girl put a cow-print on??? Even for Halloween? Even when you are 89 pounds??

Here, she transitions into a boy with a blazer and button up. Do people really think he is cute??


I am going to do a re-cap, just give me a second. I am entertained.

See thru + stretch pants.

1996 called, they want thier choker back.

FACE CHEWING

The velvet dress my sister had for prom in the 90's.

Shoulder padded blazer again.

Hey, I will meet you at Mt Timp Temple tonight at 8, ok?

Semi-normal tank.

Whatever with her clothes, but the jump is annoying.

First, the look on her face rubs me wrong. Really? Really, with that shirt/drape/tank thing.

Say it with me: "see thru man shirt + stretch pants"!!

The shirt that she thought was a shirtdress.

Another unbelievable outfit. Could walk onto the set of Grease blowing bubble gum and fit in as an extra easily.

There isn't anything even there - it is just fabric, draped. Worse below.

Whatever, but look below at what happens under the boob line.....holy hell. No one should ever wear a pant-suit, jump-suit, whatever the hell that is, let alone in animal print!!

Prom. 2001. Black suburb of L.A.

I don't know where the hell this even came from - good hell. It doesn't take a genius to see that onsies do not look good on adults......

Flashdance, anyone?

Poo brown see thru sweater with swimsuit on. That's it. No, I mean that is it. That is all she was wearing. 

Crotch. Just Ii time for the orphans to see.

 This asymmetrical little number actually looks better on Ash than the model.....

Tight in the wrong places, flappy in the wrong places.

Hate

Infamous indian half-shirt poncho, complete with side braid. She looks like freaking Pocahontas

Annoying face. At least she isn't eating it.

Does anyone, anyone at all, see anything wrong with this?

Man I wish you could see the rest of this outfit. The top ends there in a ruffle, midriff, and then black jean cutoffs, to the point of labia ready to come out. It was a winner.

And finally, the tie-die one piece dress. It wouldn't have been so bad had she had a trace of make-up on.

Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. Ok, now, on to the show.

• Obama scare
• Again, this is the most beautiful place she has ever been. (Really)
• And despite her previous 400 claims that Taiwan, Las Vegas, and Thailand was the best places to fall in love, no really, Fiji is.
• Didn't she go to Fiji last year? Don't they always end up in Fiji?
• Ohh, so NOW she has a good handle on what she wants. In the past week, she has made a complete 180.
• Man that elephant mural really stiked her fancy with Ben. I'd have sent him home.
• Ben's whole point on the show this year = get over his dad dying. Period.
• She looks like Minnie Mouse in her stupid outfit wandering around the flora.
• Writing in her notebook. She is contemplating getting deflowered x3 in the next 3 days. In fact, she is probably doing Kegels.
• She is so boring. I fall asleep halfway through saying her freaking name.
• ***commercial The "zoom-zoom" voice for that car commercial is starting to sound creepier than it used to. Is it just me?
• Another flowy see-thru number.
• Why must the camera crew ALWAYS find a lone bird flying overhead to film?
• Ryan just wants a free trip.
• No, he is serious.
• See this: http://ryanparksolar.com
• She is surprised, I really don't think she knew. Touche, ABC.
• He hates it. She is trying to hide it. "I know, right?!" he says.
• This watermelon popsicle I am eating is good. I debated on that and strawberry. Glad I chose the watermelon.

• "Knee-jerk response"?
• Hate to break it to you, she could probably tell you right now what she thinks. I can see is loud and clear on her chewed up face.
• Did her pursed lips (what is left of them), crossed arms, and lack of vocals give him a hint? No, Sargeant Sunshine leaves, with a little bounce in his step. Bless his heart.
• She almost looks pregnant in that shirt, (I use the term "shirt" loosely) and that it saying a lot for a 89 lb girl.
• Ryan really is pretty cute, until he opens his mouth and talks.
• ***commercial Loved that Target commercial with the Bocce ball and old people.
• Ben, don't put a flower in your hair.
• Don't have your hair long enough to put a flower in it.
• I'm glad all my dates were on normal couches and tables. None of this picnic on a pillow bullshit.
• His swimsuit is stupid. He looks like a douche. It looks like a Tetris game.
• The boat is called Belemare, which means "beautiful rash" in Fiji. That is what she's going to have after this week is over. 
• Would be funny if one or more of those $50 pillows from Pier One flew into the ocean in that 45 MPH wind.
• She feels protected. I love it. Anything could happen and she would be ok. Well, Ash, what about if one of the rest of the 80% of guys in the world who are bigger than him tried to "get" you? What if a shark jumped up and bit your face off? Huh?? Guaran-damn-tee baby Ben couldn't help ya.
• In a matter of 30 seconds: "Rub it on my back, or all over if you want." Now she is horizontal. Now he is, she is straddling his junk.
• Ben preforms a breast exam. A short one, but one nonetheless.
• She's lump free. In two ways.
• ***commercial Crazy Stupid Love with Steve Carell looks freaking funny. Love him. Miss The Office.
• ***commercial "Take the Money and Run"?? Great way to breed criminals ABC. Good one.
• HOLY HELL WHAT THE H is BEN WEARING? Man I wish I had a picture of that. See-thru (WHY) tunic TUCKED IN to khaki's!! NO!! Wow.
• He looks like a gay version of Robinson Crusoe.
• For once, her date tops her in stupid clothes. Wow. Someone needs to write that down. Don't worry, I got it.
• She acted like that just blew her mind that he pulled out her chair....
• I can't even listen I am so distracted by his ugliness. That shirt.
• She looks like hell. Frizzy hair. No makeup. Red nose. Tie-die dress.
• Hell, he does too. Must be humid. And they must be short on good applicants for the show....
• Chew on face.
• She hopes he will show her how he feels = she hopes he will have the sex with her.
• I hate how they all act like the "Fantasy Suite" is a huge surprise. We all know, they know, condoms are in place. Come on.
• JP and Ben have both picked her up from sitting positions and they both acted like it was fairly hard.
• Wow, this outfit of hers is a bad one too. Good hell, can't someone screen this?
• Why is she even bothering with bottoms at all?
• Cue the 50 yard dash.
• Euro-mullet. At least he recognizes it.
• Cons:  “This is going to be amazing! I can’t wait! I’ve never been in a helicopter before!”
  Ashley: “No? I have tons of times. In Brad’s season, when we weren’t in a hot tub, we were in a helicopter.”
• Cons: “Look at that massive reef! Have you ever seen anything like it?”
  Ashley: “Actually, I have. Yesterday, Ben and I snorkeled around the reef and saw all sorts of colorful fish. We saw yellow and blue and neon green and red and…”
• "It feels good to know I am going to be on his first helicopter ride". What the hell kind of a comment is that?
• LOL they fly over Ryan, who is standing barefoot on the reef. He is probably bleeding, like a wounded seal.
• Pretty sure she forgot about him.
• How the hell did he hike into that cave barefoot?
• I kind of like him, in a weird way.
• She looks better wet.
• The camera pans left into the bushes and I thought for sure Ryan's cheese face was going to be there watching.
• 108 houses?
• CHEW FACE
• He's out.
• ***commercial I am pretty sure that Obama was on the Cascade dishwasher commerical. No shit. I wish he would stay out of my night.
• ***commercial New Orleans = romance? No. It = poverty, mold, and boobs.
• They sure keep flashing the name of that resort a lot.
• Good hell I am glad someone put makeup on her tonight.
• She knows, he knows. She still wants to have sex, just "to see".
• She is always up for a meaningful one-night stand.
• Mismatched bikini's
• Interrupt
• I like him. He is so NORMAL.
• He tells her she is a pain in the ass without telling her she is a pain in the ass.
• Hmmm.....kind of a set up for him to be the next Bachelor....
• She reads the card to herself.
• She has said fo-ward 90 times. IT HAS AN 'R' IN IT. FORWARD. FORWARD.
• He sure got out of there quick, bounding like a startled deer. I bet he was packed before the date.
• The Bachelor Pad has sooooo much drama, I don't know that I could keep up.
• She realizes she is the first to ever be dumped mid-fantasy suite date, so she bow-legs over to Ryan to contemplate bringing him, too, on a fantasy date.
• Are those drawstring sweat shorts?
• Significantly less makeup this episode.
• He is nice.
• She tells him that despite the fact that he is a perfect guy and exactly what she is looking for, he isn't perfect and isn't what she is looking for.
• This is also a good set up for him to be the next Bachelor.
• ***commercial Mood enhancing curly fries? Kind of a bold statement. Possibly true.
• I can't even stand it. Now she has on an Indian print poncho + daisy dukes with a slit! Good hell!
• I feel bad, again, for JP. You know this won't work in the end. You know she picks him, and they will break up. Sad.
• Wow, a little hanky panky under water there.
• They travel alone to a secluded island, with all the rest of the cast and crew, of course.
• JP: TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT. YOU ARE THE ONLY THING HOLDING THIS SHOW TOGETHER. GIVE US A PEEK!!!!
• ***commercial (I know, more content in the commercials than the show) "A bra, uniquely designed to stay in place" It has rubber on the straps. Just like the last 5 bras I have had. Don't act like it is a breakthrough.
• WHERE ARE THE TABLES?
• There isn't even food there at that "dinner"
• She tells JP that "they" decided there was no need to go on. She left out the part where he just left and didn't ask her. They didn't decide anything; he did. And good for him, BTW.
• Her "dress" is safety-pinned. Goes to show you, IT ISN'T A DRESS. It is fabric, shuffled together over her privates, and pinned together.
• Too much of JP's upper thigh there. I always say, nothin worse that a man's upper thigh.
• Wow, they jumped right in to the sex there.
• 2 guys have full on left the show - by their own choice. Funny.
• Her sunburned arms give me a sense of satisfaction for some reason.
• CH gives meaningless nods as she pretends Constantine left because they were moving too slow. Not at all because she is a marginally attractive, insecure, high-maintenence whiner. Nope.
• CH: She really wants to drag this on and have a rose ceremony? We could have fit tonights content into a half hour.
• ASH: But Chris, I want to show the world my sparkly iridescent mini dress.
• CH: I can almost completely see your right boob. I will go tell the guys to wait another half hour in the pouring rain while you symbolically turn over Constantines picture and gaze off into the middle of nowhere. Good hell Ashley.
• I love that CH tells her she has to tell them this and that etc. BABYSIT.
• Must have been an awkward conversation between JP and Ben waiting for her to shut up and get down to the mock ceremony. "Soooo....how was it?"
• Again, CH tells the guys, there are things to say, but I have instructed Ashley that she has to say them.
• JP freaking hates her with other guys.
• Ashley's sister is right with the whole 'she can't just go with her gut feelings all the time' statement.
• Wow - that last clip wit Ash and Ben talking about toes = DRUNK!
• Note that the "Guys tell all" show is Sunday. Usually they add a week and have it on Monday.....It seems they have caught the "GET THIS SHOW THE HELL OVER" bus.

Sorry. Only mild substance this week. Hang in there.

Thanks for listening.