Bachelorette week 5: I'm bored

Well folks, I don't have much material to work with here. This season is, quite frankly, boring. Ashley is still talking about Bentley, Bentley is still not caring, Ryan is still chipper, JP is still my favorite, Ames is still....off. Nothing is happening. No one likes her, she doesn't like anyone, Chris Harrison is even getting pissed.
"Chiang Mai, Thailand, is known for monks and temples and other sacred stuff frat boy types are unlikely to fully appreciate. It’s also apparently “the perfect place to fall in love,” since that’s mentioned 100 times."

Here goes:

• Ryan P is still excited. At least someone is.
• Do I need to keep putting the "P"? Is there another Ryan?
• If I seriously hear one more time that this is the perfect place to fall in love.......they say it every episode, 9 times, no matter where they are. No, it's not the perfect place. For sure my perfect place would not be sweaty and have Asians.
• In fact, my perfect place was in Benj's moms basement. It can happen anywhere.
• They get to their villa. Does production tell them to run in?
• Someone said it. If you can't find love in this romantic environment....makes better sense.
• Woah Ash, that isn't a shirtdress, it's just a shirt. Talk to the salesperson at Buckle next time before you buy.
• Chris H - going over the rules of the show again. It is season 7. Episode 5.
• "Obviously, in a place like Chen Hi, anything is possible." I don't know who said that and I don't know how to spell whereever the hell they are, but that is a freaking pretty dumb comment. What does it even mean? Obviously?
• As she goes off with Aladdin looking guy (Ben?) Mickey sure kept a lingering eye on them. Man they were herded up like cattle watching them walk off.
• Really, with Ben F's hair (are there 2 Ben's? Do I need to say "F"?)
• Side note - the "F" stnads for Flajnik.... RED FLAGS popping up all over in my head.
• Yep, pretty sure I would not fit into that taxi.
• Ok, she wants to balance her dates with real life. Semi-smart comment from the ditz.
• Followed by a squealing "Ohh, I want that dress!!!"
• Woah, that old man playing a flute or whatever looked exactly like my grandpa. But Chinese, or whatever. Thai? Creepy.
• Ben is kind of bland. Serious. Quiet. Artistic.
• He is excited about that temple!
• Don't say "thanks for havin me" with a gee whiz arm movement.
• What the hell. Why am I even watching this?
• No better person than Ashley to see this temple with? How about Ghandi? Mother Teresa? Bill Clinton?
• Oh no. You guys are not doing a mental kiss. How gay is that. Yep, he just got to 2nd base in his mind, and pants. She got to third. She is kinda dirty.
• I can't even believe that scene. I am officially dumber for having seen it.
• Yeah, I am trying to deal with a teething hungry little beast here.
• I'm ready for him to start running through the streets and stealing bread from the market with a monkey on his shoulder.
• Um, she is borderline not pulling off that pantsuit. I can't believe I just said pantsuit. 
• He is kind of a creeper.
• Nick. Pink. V. Neck. Pink. Plaid. Shorts. 
• Prediction: Nick is outie.
• William is extra fluffy this episode.
• She just rubbed his belly. She just rubbed his belly?
• He just said something about 'her' friends and winked and then she had a mild orgasm complete with a moan. That was awkward.
• Wow, this little fire dancing, Thai harp playing, belly dancing candle display is almost as awkward as a personal concert. 
• Yep, I'm convinced William is kind of a dick.
• ANOTHER DUMB DATE
• "really hot" *said in a high pitch, 9th grade girl voice*
• Ames. Poor kid. He's never been in a fight in his life. I'm not completely sure he's ever really interacted with people in his life either. 
• He just bowed to the guy that is going to kick his ass in a second. 
• What a geek.
• This is a horrible date. 
• Going to the townsquare where the villagers are watching a fight in action.
• The guys are shitting in their neon shorts.
• Prediction: Ames is the one who gets 'injured'
• Just have fun with it, she says. How fun is it to get kicked in the kidney and punched in the jaw? 
• She's beginning to think it is too dangerous........
• Ryan wins. But really, no one wins, because Ames looks like he is going to die.
• Haha, Lucas just said to her, "You're the one who set up this date....."
• Yay for the Jew from Long Island!!!!!!
• Ryan thinks for sure if he kicks the shit out of Ames he will get a rose. Frat boy is doomed.
• Something isn't right with Ames. I'm telling you right now, something hasn't been right with Ames all along. 
• He clearly has a concussion:

• He looks like an idiot. Big white toothy grin all the time. Shoulders out. Poor guy. He's pretty big, actually. 
• Oh my hell, he looks exactly like Hercules:

• Hmmmm..... all the words in that hospital are in English. Looks kinda sketchy. Hell, maybe they aren't even in Thailand or whatever. It's all just a big set. I wouldn't put it past them. 
• Are there new producers? This season sucks-o-potamous.
• She keeps saying it was so 'bloody'. I didn't see one damn drop of blood. Someone said he had a bloody nose, but I didn't see it. Quit saying it. 
• She is an idiot. 
• They ran various tests? Do they have healthcare? Was that even a hospital? I did see a cow in the street last time.
• Wow, that comment about Bentley changed her mood. Visibly. 
• Weird that anyone would even bring him up...... they don't know her 'true feelings'. Probably a producer directed comment.Whatever. At least it is an attempt at shaking things up.
• I like Lucas. 
• Once again, she can't concentrate on the guys.....
• I can't even comment on that golf scene. Well, this is also the girl who wants to be called 'cupcake' - so go figure.
• Love JP. Feel bad for him. I could give him some reassurance... send him over.
• Blake is cute. Kinda shy. 
• What A-hole gave Ames liquor?
• She is so surprised they have bruises! Gasp!
• Blake is a bouncy walker. 
• Bentley, Bentley, blah, blah, what am I going to have for lunch tomorrow, blah blah, still talking about Bentley.......
• I hate elephant dates.
• How is their dynamic? It sucks. What, did you think they were going to be good friends and it was going to be a fun filled day with the elephants??
• I've said it before, but I'm fishing for material, Ben has dramatic features!! Obvious JAW, but tall, big feet and hands. I'm telling you, someone needs to kill him and study his body. 
• Ok, that is a cool raft thing. Finally, a semi cool-ish date. Or segment of a date.
• Love how they make it look like the guys are rowing but really, little Thai men are in the water pushing it. 
• "PerfAct"
• They ride elephants like they are horses. And I don't like it.
• Billy is worried about losing the rose. The physical rose. To hell with Ashley.
• He can be the funniest, the nicest, the most romantic, the BIGGEST DOUCHE.
• I'm calling bullshit on this. What a jerk. 
• She can go from normal to insecure in like .1 second.
• Notice they all have freaking mosquito bites the size of baseballs? Or Aids...
• Not out of malice? Yes, it is. 
• Oh my hell, she sent him straight home. 
• Confessional: "it was going to be hard to send Ben home, um, or either of them..... "she totally was planning it anyway. 
• He was kind of a weirdo anyway. 
• Willaim is an idiot. 

• Bentley = #1 douche, William = #2 douche.
• ****commercial the Samsung spider commercial again. Still gets me. 
• Would be cool if Billy boy didn't get a rose either. And got kicked in the nuts. 
• Liiiike JP.
• What with the V-Necks? Did I miss something? I thought only gays wear them???
• 30 year old boy - literally.
• She looks like she wants to stab herself in the face. 
• Yesss! Get yo ass outaa here!
• Her dress is juvenile. Like a CA High School Prom dress. Reminds me of this:

• He is the worlds biggest f*-:^ng jackass. In his own words :)
• Wow, maybe some counseling would do this man good. 
• Crawl into a hole, pull the top over, and not wake up?? A little theatric.
• I guess Ben will be joining eHarmony and Billy boy will be in a cave......
• Rose in the fire = also theatric......
• ****commercial Best Buy is trying to make a duplicate of Progressive's FLO, and it isn't funny.
• Baaaad dress for a girl with no boobs. 
• She's feeling insecure? NO! No way! Not Ashley!
• What the hell is Nick still doing here? Beefcake. Beefcake is a good word for him. Why didn't I think of that earlier?
• Constantine and Ben F look the same-ish.
• ****commercial who the hell has a 60" flat screen in their kitchen? And if they do, why????
• Ryan P, still super excited!
• She looks pissed off. 
• He feels closer to the guys? 
• Ames - ???????
• Constantine is smart. Real. 
• It is always freaking raining on this show.
• Chris H: "No, that is not normal. Is that a terrible feeling Ashley?" Haha, he hates her. 
• She felt so much for Bentley.......? I'll tell you exactly what happened. It happened to me in 7th grade. I was for sure in love with Wayne Thayer. I thought for sure we were getting married. Giddy. Always on my mind. He wanted nothing to do with me, but I managed to drag it on for the better part of a year. Buuut, she is 30, I was 13.......
• ****commercial Man, is it just me, or just the show, but there are a lot of Asians in the commericals...
• Mickey is kind of laying low. Sneaky. Something is going on. Either he will come out of no where and win or come out of no where and break someones neck. 
• Ryan P is exploding with excitement!!! He can't hold still! Yay!!
• Is Nick crying?
• Crickets......
• How does he know where the hell to go when he walks off? I don't think he does. He is parading through the temple grounds, all disoriented, crying. 
• Hmmm... last week was a little tease, making us think Bentley was back this episode.... They had to somehow get us to watch this boring episode, I guess that was their way..
• She takes the news that he is there like Elaine Benes - "Shut UP!"
• It is annoying that he is back in the first place, but that he makes her come to him in the hotel, is just rude. 
• I hope something good happens. Like he is more of a dick, or he all of a sudden loves her, or SOMETHING.
• Ohh, I am so glad the guys are pissed!! Yay! Maybe, just maybe, a good episode next time!
• I hope the next location isn't so sweaty.
• I wanna puke.