OH MY HELL

So....we have a little bug in our house, all three of us have it, and unfortunately it is causing explosive diarrhea, x10, in Max today. So, I had Max by myself today, which is a huge deal for me (working on it in therapy....). I was doing good. I got him in the tub and was going to hurry and vacuum. (I know I shouldn't leave him. I'm fine with it, Max and I have a system. He is ok). Great, I'm being productive and a mom! Hmm, well, I walk in to check on him and see this:

Immediately I start sweating. I'm not sure what to do. He is usually a nugget pooper. I can handle nuggets, they are solid. That picture doesn't even do it justice (This is after I took all the toys out). The water was yellow. Deep breath (working on this in therapy, today's session, actually). I have a cold too, so the deep breath causes me to cough which causes me to pee. Pissed off. Literally. Ok, now, um, get him out? Drain? Get toys out? I didn't have a clue how to handle this. Why am I sweating? I take MEDICATION for sweating, why, then, am I sweating? Hell. Ok, toys out and into the sink. Max, don't touch that. Drip poo on floor. Max, no-no. Water draining. Sweating. My feet are wet with mystery water. Look away - look back, he is eating the poo. Head in water, drinking it. NOOO Max, no-no!!!! Cry (Max). What the hell do I do? Call my mom? Where the hell is my phone? Ok, I have to get him out I guess to clean up. I stand him up and get the sprayer out. He happens to be deathly afraid of it. He is screaming - hitting me - screaming. I get him rinsed and set him out of the tub. I know there is a chance he will pee because he's naked, but I'll take the chance. Deep breath - cough, pee again. Ugh. He's probably cold - I don't even know where the hell he just went. Whatever. Get the Comet out and douse the tub and surrounding area. I'm not touching the toys - Benj can deal with that when he gets home. Too flustered. Sweating. Why am I sweating? Ok, so most everything went down the drain. A few pieces of - whatever - are still there. Grab a...... rag? Paper towel? Ugh!! Clean that out - bleach it. Max comes in. Naked with poo on him. He has garbage from the kitchen and throws it into the clean tub, laugh laugh, run out. Damn it. Clean tub again, Max comes in pees on rug, gets toilet paper out of the bathroom garbage, throws it into the tub. Mystery items inside toilet paper disperse into the tub (boogers? crumbs??). Good hell. Where is Benj? Why am I sweating? I smell like freaking pee. Ok, clean tub. Fill partially, put him back in. He's pissed. Scrub him down quickly. He pees in tub. I don't even give a shit. Again, mystery water on my feet. Pee? Poo-water? What is it?! Get him out, walking into his room and step in something wet. Pee. So he peed 3 times in a matter of like 5 minutes. That is almost dog-like. Marking territory. Thinks is funny. Well, my son, it is not. Get him in jammies. He's walking around saying "bah" - pointing at the fridge, wants his bottle. Sure he does, I want a damn Dr. Pepper, just freaking hang on. Finally get meds in him and a bottle and settle down with my 'rain sounds' app (therapy). Trying to practice anxiety decreasing tools, I take a deep breath, not thinking, and cough, pee. On recliner. Last straw. Benj walks in and wakes Max up. OH MY HELL. Really? Then he says, "Why is the carpet wet?" I'll tell you why the damn carpet is wet. Good hell.

That sucked. I need to go shower and clean up. I've peed myself multiple times. Benj is giggling.

Oh, and to top it off, I just looked down and found a piece of poo stuck in my wedding ring.