The Bachelor - week 5

Preface: I have been sick all day, taught FHE to my extended family tonight and cried the whole time, missed the show, stayed up late to watch, Max woke up with horrific growing pains and cried so hard he threw up all over my bed, been doing baths, laundry, etc for an hour now, aaaaand so I'm a little out of sorts.

JPG rides into 'nam on a fishing boat like Leonardo DiCaprio on the front of the Titanic. I thought for sure a croc or a bitter war vet was going to jump out of the murky waters and kill him.

Ok, ok, some of Vietnam is pretty.

Renee
What the hell does it mean that JPG makes her hands hurt? She acts like its a good thing, like butterflies. I'm guessing maybe arthritis? Weird. They literally walk around sweating like hogs for their date. His shirt was wet about it. The custom dress stunt was kind of cool actually, very personal, and a good keepsake. However, the "this is the perfect setting to fall in love" comment wasn't. You are in a sweatshop that makes dresses in 'nam, sweetie. Not ideal. I did like that he bought her a fan. A nice way to ease the awkwardness of your date dripping like a fat man doing zumba. Benj has also bought me fans, but in more of a "quit bitching" kind of way. Renee is almost too mature for this whole show. He needs to take her on an adventurous or slutty date and see how it goes then. Also, she has been talking about their first kiss now for a solid 5 weeks, every time she gets camera time, so I sure as hell hope it happens. Again, they are talking at dinner, he notices her sweating, and MID-BITE blows in her FACE. TWICE. Wow. I don't know if that is cute or nice or gross or just really annoying. He says her eyes "hemnatise" me, but he still won't kiss her because he is worried what her son at home will think. Which is clearly an excuse, he kissed Cassandra, and pretty much everyone else...

Group
We pretty much go from a scene of him telling Renee he can't kiss her *respect, example, yada yada* to him almost immediately putting Claire in a dish and rowing her out to the jungle to pin her down and make out. Anyone else see a problem here?? What a prick. This whole thing was pretty much just catty bitching about how they all felt like it was a one on one with Claire. Which would be annoying, but, I kind of don't blame her. She maximizes her time. I often wonder what the producers tell the girls to wear. Clearly today they were told to wear a flowy tank top, cut off jean shorts as close to your crotch as you can without showing your vagina, and tennis shoes. Chelsie looks like a hillbilly. Andi is getting flusterd, rightly so, and tries to talk to him. Holy hell JPG could calm a tsunami if we gave him the chance to talk to it. For the night part, JPG choses to wear capris, a pink shirt, and flip flops. Just sayin. Another d-bag move to #1 grab Claire first, and #2 full on take her back to your house and get in the pool about it. That must have taken a while - and did NO ONE notice her hair wet when they came back?? Sharlene has a pretty back, and she shows it a lot. She mumbles something about an organic panda not showing her cards, then he just starts making out with her because he doesn't know what the hell she is talking about. And neither do we. Claire just *cannot* have this perfect night end, so, now that she conveniently knows where he is staying, she goes and gets him to have sex swim in the ocean. I thought this was actually kind of fun and romantic and dangerous and liked it. I'm pretty sure they rounded 3rd base, at least, out there.

Nikki
This girl has chicken legs, bad. I would have told JPG to go to hell, pun intended, if I were her. The crew of non-speaking (any language) Vietnamese guys manning the ropes at the top looked like they knew exactly what was going on.... for sure... I kind of pride myself on Nikki being a lot like me, personality wise, so I was super disappointed when she blurted out the whole "Repelling is like falling in love" comment, that we've heard 19 times over the past 19 seasons. Also, cliff diving, bungee jumping, rock climbing, etc, those are all like falling in love too. Mmmmmmhmmm. Well they make it to the bottom of hell, which was covered in a ton of creepy statues. An overweight squid eating a mermaid, a dead octopus, what looked like mannequins from Nordstrom, etc. {{{They just showed a commercial for an IHOP gift card and KY His & Hers Jelly for a "special" date night. Holy hell. }}} She obviously gets a rose after they chat at dinner in his BRIGHT yellow shirt and things are good.

I've noticed, especially this episode, JPG is either all over someone, making out, neck, touchy, rubbing, humping in the ocean (Claire, Andi, Sharlene) or he is very mature-like talking about being a dad, life, etc (Renee, Nikki, Cassandra). I smell something and it rhymes with smoushbag.

Ceremony
Renee starts off her camera time yapping still about kissing him, and thank goodness he finally did. Oh, because she talked to her son about the show and he knows, it is ok now. Whatever. He starts feeling guilty for the romp in the ocean last night, rightly so, and calls Claire out on it. She immediately loses control and is hysterical with allergies the rest of the night. He said the phrase "look at me" literally 300 times in the 2 Claire segments. I counted. My hell girl, just look at him. I thoroughly enjoyed that some of these girls aren't so gorgeous with all their makeup sweated off. It must be freaking hot and miserable there. He sends the predictable 3 home, and for some reason Sharlene completely loses her mind and is crying like crazy after they walk off. She is a strange one.

I kind of feel like I have PTSD now.