Bachelor: Hometowns and Overnights

I have two whole nights of a complete disaster to blog about - so here goes. 

Both nights he has countless lame/gay/ugly/dumb outfits on I can't even talk about it. And both nights he says soooooo many dumb things. I tried to write them down and document them but may have missed some. Please just know that I know, it was noted. 

HOMETOWNS:

Just the mere fact that he is doing M&M commercials should tell us all a little something about the ratings and success of this season. 

Nikki has TINY hips. Like wowzers. If he wants more kids, I'm not sure those are childbearing hips. I'm just saying. She decides she really wants him to be a cowboy (or to see if he can be a cowboy) or something, and takes him to get BBQ and ride a mechanical bull. Because that is what is important in a relationship, BBQ and bull riding. He is wearing a weird non-puffy puffy vest over a normal shirt. Evidently they don't have BBQ sauce in South America and JPG devours like 3 racks of ribs and then squirts remaining sauce on his fries. That should tell Nikki something. He meets her family, and her dad is refreshingly normal. He tells JPG pretty much he knows this is all just bullshit and not to propose unless he is 10000% sure and there is no way he can be with other girls there, soooo don't. She really wants to tell JPG she loves him and it got really awkward and she never did.

Andi is awesome and takes him shooting. This is very telling to me and should have been to her too. He comes in wearing a 3/4 sleeve pink shirt with a cutoff basketball gym shirt over it. 

Andi wants him to be uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable looking at that shirt and watching him awkward stand trying ask the guy at the range how to hold a gun. He seriously doesn't even hit the paper the targets are on, while she is capable of murdering someone, easily. They get to her home and her sister looks exactly like her, just a married version of her. Meaning a little more rundown, you know how that happens? Dad is NOT impressed with JPG or any of their stories or really anything. He does like the meat I noticed. I loved how they were telling the family all the "amazing places they have been" and the reaction when they said "Vietnam" was "Ooooh...." with raised eyebrows and awkward side glances. This whole family night was really awkward and poor Andi tries so hard to be positive and happy. She tells JPG that her parents have been married 30 years, to which JPG, the idiot, says to the parents "Oh, so how is it going?" What the hell are they supposed to say to that? "Eh, not that great."? Mom has really no questions but wants him to salsa dance with her, which was weird. Andi sums this up pretty well, admitting she is really not feeling anything "yet", she is still trying for a connection. Her dad sums it up better when he says "He can go home by himself."

Renee starts off her segment by saying "I'm literally going to eat my son". I love the word literally and use it often, but that may have gone too far Renee. Renee is looking more and more haggard as the show goes on, and she is also wearing a curtain today. They go to her sons baseball game and I just kept thinking "These 2 are too good for him. He is such a douche." They go home and Renee leaves JPG to talk to her fam while she goes up with her son to shower, brush teeth, read stories, etc. That was cute I thought. Her poor little boy was all awkward on camera, he was probably so confused/embarrassed. Renee's poor mother looks like a mushroom. Wearing tie dye. A tie dye wearing mushroom. Her mom did have a good one liner however - she said, in regards to Renee being "in love" with JPG, "we can love our pets" meaning you can love a lot of things, but you aren't in love often.

Clare's ice heart is melting, evidently. It is black, dirty ice, but it is melting. She takes him to the rose garden (ironic) and she tells a few cute stories about her dad. Fairly boring, these two. Just a lot of kissing and surprised eyebrows and top lip stuck on top of her teeth. I have been excited to see her family even since Nikki said she was excited for JPG to meet her family because "the crazy has to come from somewhere," And it does. It comes from Laura, to be exact. First of all, I don't know that I realized how old Clare was, meaning her 19 older sisters must be in thier 40-50's. It really threw me off, I was expecting a bunch of cute girls, and got a bunch of old maids. Not sure if Laura is dominant, over-dominant, Mexican, trying to be her father, or just plain bat shit crazy. She is walking around picking wedgies out of her butt, doing the "oh no you di-ent" black lady hand shake thing, interrupting, and talking for "mamma". Hovering in the trees, hovering in the shadow of the house. Weirdo. Evidently "mamma" doesn't speak, so at one point I thought maybe she was going to translate or seomthing. My hell.  **Disclaimer, I take back making fun of Clare being part Mexican. Clearly, after hearing mamma speak, she might be 1/4 or something** There is one little white lap dog here that has been getting a massage for a good solid 2 hours now. Lucky guy. One of the sisters is always holding it, rubbing it down. Anyway, mom finally talks and says to JPG (the only part I could understand) "You'll be very loved and welcome in our family." No. No JPG, you won't be. So good luck there. 

Clare = BOOBS at the ceremony. That is all I can see. And all I can hear is JPG saying "will you ass-ep dis rose?". This rose pretty much means he wants to have sex with them. So, there's that. Renee predictably goes home.

OVERNIGHTS:    Wow. Seriously.

JPG says at least 13 times "no cameras" or "complete privacy" during this episode. Think he wants to freaking hide something? Oh right, it is a *language barrier*....

Clare and JPG hop into a POS fishing boat and drive to a yacht to spend the day (such a contract to playing soccer in a poor village with little kids, but I digress...). They immediately start making out, do the obligatory Titanic scene at the boat front,  then jump in the water. I find it interesting they have 1-2 camera guys in the water waiting to get under 2 minutes of footage of thier dangling legs. Isn't that kind of a big setup deal for some lame footage? I guess it would be cool if a shark killed one of them. Or both. Anyway... Some lame JPG quotes: He is "ess-eye-ted to have some real quality time" as if nothing up until now has been quality. Then he says "We are going to get to know each other. A lot better." **Smirk**

By this time I think you all know I think JPG is a controlling chauvinist jerk off douche bag, and if you didn't, I do. As much as Clare bugs the hell out of me, I think she is smarter than him. Too good for him, I might even say. Do they ever really eat food on the show? They just got up to go to the sex suite and left their cute mini-burgers on skewers sitting there. JPG is wondering why on earth Clare would be thinking, and thinking a lot. Um, could be getting married/having sex in a minute, just let the girl think. Someone in the relationship has to.

I wish they'd leave a day between the overnighters. He literally probably pulled it outta Clare a few hours ago, aaaaaand here's Andi! They wonder around a market, in his lame tank top, 

I'm wondering if he got ahold of some pot in St Lucia, he looks stoned the whole last hour of the show.

see him interact with littles, play soccer in the dirt. Eat hell knows what. This is what I was saying, Clare wouldn't do that. She is too prissy I think. They drive to a really pretty waterfall (flashback to another one of their dates) and she again has a darling one piece suit on. She is not confident in this process or in him, at all. Amazingly, really, amazingly, JPG picked up on something, a real issue, and brought it up. She saying she "badly wanted to fall in love" bugged him and made her sound desperate and he wanted to clarify. After yesterday he told Clare to stop thinking so much, she now says to Andi "there's nothing wrong with thinking" He has himself set up in so many double binds. He then says to Andi, "If I decide I like Andi..." which was red flag #1 of about 50 that come later. JPG thinks the overnight date went fabulous. Had a great time.                   hehehehehe

Nikki, bless her heart, shows up looking like an Aztec threw up on her. She literally (see what I did there?) could have said "Oh, did someone order a Pocahontas stripper? Maybe I'm in the wrong place." and walked off. What the hell. And this girl is tiny, but it makes her not look tiny. Then JPG has on another gay tank top.

They saddle up and go horse riding, which was beautiful actually.

Just a couple of asses

JPG says a lot today to Nikki "You are thinking a lot." Binding his weird self into another bind. Nikki's night dress is cute. The predictable fantasy suite card comes - really meaning "put out or get out", and they skeedattle off. {As s side note, does anyone else think Chris Harrison's handwriting is super girly? I'm sure a producer wrote it and he signed it, but they ought to either have him write it or type it. Oooor, maybe he is just girly. Not that there is anything wrong with that....) I couldn't hear very well over the flock of birds mating or ripping a part a small animal outside, but I did catch "total privacy" "she's a good kisser, I can't wait for more" "she will get the real me" - like everything up until now has been fake. Nikki finally drops the L word.

Chris Harrison meets up with him to chat. Call it a language barrier, call it JPG is a dumbass, or whatever you want, but the convo went like this:

CH: How are you?

JPG Good.

*pause*

CH: Ok. What does that mean?

JPG: Yeah, I like these girls. 

*pause*

CH: You're an idiot. 

I threw in the last part, but you get what I mean. There is no depth to this guy. He has to watch the video messages, which was nice to see. He had to watch, not interrupt or touch their face/hair. Just listen. Andi's message said she was coming to talk to him, and then it started. 

To paraphrase Andi: This was a train wreck. *JPG interrupts* He thinks it is ok to just respond to everything with "besitos" and "it's ok". It is not serious to him at all. *JPG interrupts* He just wants to kiss and talk trivial things. *JPG touches hair and tucks it* I want to die if I hear "it's ok" again. He never asked anything about ME. He doesn't even know me. *JPG touches the bridge of her nose and outlines her eyebrows*

To paraphrase JPG: The word default isn't even in my language. It's ok. I may have said "you barely made it here" (like that is any better!!) It's ok. You are taking it the wrong way. It's ok. I've never used the word 'default". If you wanted me to ask questions about you you should have asked (asked him to ask questions?) When i say "it's ok" is is just natural. It's ok.

Yada yada. The short story of this is: He is a complete idiot. He has no idea what he is doing or what is going on. And it is not a language barrier. I love love love Andi even more now. I love that he went to touch her eyebrow and she pushed him away telling him not to mess up her makeup.She finally caught onto him, as did Sharleen, and it disgusted her. Good for her. I felt bad for her while they were talking, #1 he had NO CLUE what was going on, #2 he interrupted a lot and #3 he didn't get it and #4 he didn't get it, at all.

Now the true character of JPG comes out here after Andi left and they interviewd him. He says - If she would have just come and said she wasn't feeling it and wanted to leave, I'd be heartbroken. So sad. But she argued with me. And I didn't like that. That ruined her for me. Controlling much? (que "look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me" episode)

Everyone is sweat glazed at the ceremony, while JPG kind of skims the surface of why Andi left. Nikki is worried because they are BFF, Clare is just glad there is only 2 left now and she will be getting married soon. I love how she says "It will be telling about JPG as a person" referencing who he is going to pick, since her and Nikki are so different. That will come back to bite her. 

The bit for next weeks WTE episode.... Oh Chris, you make everything so dramatic. "The most controversial season of the Bachelor EVER" and "shocking finale". Come on. I've been bored out of my mind this season, only blogging it so you good folks don't have to watch it.

Phew.