Bachelor Episode niner

It's the week of the sexless overnighters, and for some reason beyond me, Sean has chosen Thailand for these. He spends the first 15 minutes literally walking around the whole country of Thailand, recounting exactly the same things about the girls we all already know and have heard 30 times.  Ashlee is so sweet and has such a big heart. Catherine is so fun and happy and he misses her. Lindsey almost got sent home the first night, but he has grown to really have feelings for her. It took him approximately 3 days to walk the peninsula, and I know that because he changed his clothes 3 times. He started in the pink shorts/gray shirt outfit he has worn pretty much every episode now. It looks like someone finally told him, for hell sakes, if he is going to keep wearing them, at least buy a new pair of the same ones. Then he changed into an awesome ice blue tank top, then into a long sleeved pink shirt. His clothes are just beyond me. At one point he was swimming and came up out of the water like Ariel, flipping water, looking like a huge albino whale.

**Side note: during the long boring recap of all the girls personalities, it showed a clip of him and Catherine somewhere cold, kissing, and HE HAD SNOT IN HIS NOSE. It was by and large the most disgusting thing I've seen this season. I'll take bug eating and monkey poo flying.

Lindsay:

Sean looks ready for a baseball game and poor Lindsay ready for a wedding shower luncheon as they head to a big gross market. They browse neon chickens, ugly swimsuits, decaying meat, and bugs slammed onto skewers as Sean "tests" her to see how adventurous she will be. Which sounds really dumb, but evidently it is important to him (remember Selma got sent home for not jumping into ice water). These 2 would have kids with serious nostrils. Both have really flaring weird looking ones. They end up at, actually, and amazing beach where they feed a  bunch of monkeys. I was enjoying a moment until my mom interrupted it commenting on how much monkey poo there must be on that beach. Nothing gets you in the mood for some heavy petting and making out like feeding monkeys, apparently. They head into the water, where wandering hands cannot be seen. Dinner is held at some sort of carnival. Boats & flower formations made out of candles on the ground? It looked like the damn Spanish Fork Festival of Lights. The poor girl wanted to get her feelings out and was stuck inside a weird lit up dreamland, and right when she almost is ready to say her true feelings, is interrupted by dumb Tai Dancers. We all, including Sean and Lindsay, patiently waited to them to be done with their little song and dance and leave. Sean, Mr. Innocent, asks Linds if she will dance like that for him later. They read the stupid date card and she is so eager her boobs are ready to jump right out of that lingerie dress she is wearing, and they would have had it not been so tight. Everything was really awkward until she blurts out "I love you" and then I'm confident her boobs were freed. She sleeps naked, remember?

Ashlee:

I spent her date in 3 parts - one part trying to read her necklace, one part feeling like I was in a session with my therapist, and the other part ready to puke. I'm not even sure what the date was because she spent the whole time talking in metaphors and I couldn't concentrate. Let me recount just a few, if I might (emphasis added):

• Overwhelming joy
• Elated to be here
• Sean is my true love
• I'm vulnerable
• I love Sean more than words can express
• (I can't write these fast enough, had to pause the DVR)
• Relationships are really all about trust, and I trust Sean
• I have a fear of being abandoned
• I have a fear of rejection
• I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been in my life
• When you are with the one you love, it is like a dark alley-way (referencing the cave)
• My commitment is to Sean and to changing my previous way of thinking
• This is life changing
• Today represented me letting go
• Today was absolutely amazing
• I'm head over heels
• Every part of my being wants to be engaged to this man
• I completely trust you
• I trust him
• (I know this is getting boring, I'm bored)
• I love this man
• This man has LITEERALLY melted my heart
• I will do everything in my power to make this man happy
• ETC ETC ETC

Seriously, none of these are that bad, a few at a time, but this was one 30 minute segment, and it was edited, and my list wasn't complete with all of them. I cannot even fathom how exhausting she is in real life. Anyway, he wanted to test Ashlee, too, and thought it would be a good trust game to take her to a pitch black cave and paddle thru it with no life jackets. He likes games. Speaking of boobs coming out, Ash has clearly had implants. Wow. She of course is scared shitless, like she always is, and Sean has no freaking idea what he is doing, and she should be scared really. What the hell is Sean going to do if a bat flies into her face and claws her eyes out? I was starting to get really pissed off and then they got to that amazing beach. It really was cool, holy smokes. They appear that they swam home and we see the two of them walking out of the water straight to dinner. I had to rewind it because I didn't understand how they got dry/dressed. Sean explains that his early years were spent preparing for his furniture salesman career and going to the gym and that is why he is still single. Ashlee says she is glad she hasn't settled yet, which is ironic, seeing as she has been married before. He tells her he wants to put her at ease. I get anxious just seeing her, he does too apparently.

Ashlee seals the deal by telling Sean what she wants him to pick out with the diamond guy next episode, then they probably change into jammies and talk in metaphors until the sun comes up.

Catherine:

When Sean gets cold, he goes red in the face. When Sean gets hot, he goes red in the face. Neither is good. Atall. Sean has been laid at least once now, if not in a roundabout way, and is feeling pretty good when Catherine surprises him on the beach. They giggle for a few minutes, literally, to each other while I try to figure out what she is wearing. They board a pirate ship that has been decorated like a whorehouse with satin blankets, pillows, and drapes, and have a 'serious' talk. I must have been bored because I wrote "they pass a big rock that looks like a penis" on my note paper. Her freckles are cute. She has said multiple times now that she is excited that she can be herself with him without him getting "freaked out". That combined with her family's attitude about her, makes me a tiny bit concerned. She bullshits thru a story about how she is pissed at her sisters but they don't count because she tells her friend who it married more than she tells them, so not to worry. Huh? I hate hate hate how Sean kisses. You should never SEE tongue in a kiss. EVER. Ugh. Red face-tongue kissing. They swim and make out, just like the other two girls' dates. They end up kissing in the rain, which is always romantic to me. I made out with Benj in the sprinklers at my elementary school once, and that was like tops for me. Xoxo. Sean tells the cameras that he asked himself today if he could see her as his wife, and the answer was yes. He said about at least Lindsay and probably Ashlee too, so it is really irrelevant. Sean wears tennis shoes to dinner and Catherine's hair has now succumbed to the humidity. She tells Sean she wants to be a lady and doesn't want to ever do an overnight date, but says yes to the fantasy suite. She tells Sean when they get there that he is beefy and she has had low self-esteem and been called chunky. Huh?? Did you see her in the bikini? She is tiny. Tiny. He, like a smart man should, tells her she is smoking hot. She says the word beefy, which really throws me off, for the second time this season.

We jump to LA where Chris Harrison comes out of the Bachelor mansion like he is going to make a big announcement, and completely dumbfounds me promoting some kind of Wizard of Oz movie. Wait, what? What even just happened?? Seriously, why did that happen? What?

Back to China, or whatever. Chris is interviewing Sean in front of some huge elephant remains where Sean tells him he knows who he is done with. As does the rest of America. Sean is crossing his huge muscly legs and I pause the DVR again to dry heave and take a drink of my DP.

Chris: So do you think this is going to work?

Sean: Yes

Christ: Really? Wow.

Pause

Chris: So you're in love?

Sean: Yes, I think so

Chris: Wow.

Pause

Who would've thought.

Under the direction of the producer, Sean heads over to the headshots to ponder, even though he already knows who is going home. He even picks up one of the frames and caresses it. He goes to the video messages. Lindsay chokes him up. Catherine makes him giggle. Ashlee literally has a complete meltdown as she tries to spit out that she is no longer broken. We get a close up of Sean's nostrils flare as he is watching her, indicating her impending doom. She just keeps throwing them out, so I have to point it out. The video was full of them, but 2 of my favorites were "Ever since I was young I've put up a wall" and "together, we are whole", between sobs. Sean tells the camera he is afraid things aren't going to be ok after today, and he is damn right. I point out Catherine's hair, but let me just say mine would be a complete wreck. I live in zero humidity with a heavy duty straitener and my hair is fuzzed half the time. All I can do is stare at Ashlees boobs for the next 3 minutes. Is that nip I see? They clear all guns from the premises and get ABC's resident therapist on standby, Lindsay curses, and they start the ceremony. Thank goodness Harrison is done with the "Ladies, this is the final rose tonight" statement. He hands out the first rose to Lindsay easily, then we spend a painful 45 seconds watching Sean turn beet red and almost shit his pants before he calls Catherines name. Catherine is physically scared to walk up and receive the rose, not wanting to turn her back on the crazy lady who was just abandoned, again. She drills into him with her eyes for another 45 seconds before storming off to the awaiting SUV. After a freaky silence, she speaks. The first words out of her mouth are surprisingly jabbing at the two other girls, saying that this wasn't a joke to her. Not a joyride, laughing, joking, and having fun. Then she predictably melts down and they cut camera. I wonder how she is now? I was following her on Instagram and then she made herself private. Guess she is still alive.

I must take a moment and talk about the Finale set. I'm going to talk about it again when it airs, and probably before that, because it is THAT bad. Every year, for some reason, ABC choses to round up driftwood to surround the Season Finale set, where the proposals happen. I never have understood it. But for some even more odd reason, this year they have found bigger, worse driftwood, and stood it on end, so it is huge. I can't even believe it. Are they serious? It is almost like flashing a Wizard of Oz scene in the middle of a show, but no one would ever do that. It is too weird.

The Bachelor - Episode 8

 

Hometown dates: Where all the crazy family and baggage the girls have been trying to hide comes out.

 

Ashlee:

We start this with Sean and Ashlee commencing the 475th picnic, with wine, in Bachelor history. They are in a vacant lot literally in the midst of weeds. In the words of my mom "Those are freaking weeds. You want to know how I know? Because I try to get rid of them at Big Horn (Our family's camping property)!" Haha. She drones on about how much she loves him and trusts him and then they do nothing fun. Is her voice nasal-y? They go to her parents house and we meet the Preacher who has his hair spiked for the cameras. He starts in by asking Sean exactly what they have done from night one until this very minute. He wants a play-by-play. Then Ashlee starts in on how every single experience she has had has been an analogy to her real life abandonment issues. She was baptized by immersion in Canada and "left it all in the water" and started fresh with Sean, for example. Her dad tears up right along with her and they half-crank their heads and smile at each other. She tells her parents they got "steamy" in St. Croix, and neither of them look amused. At this point I need a Cymbalta. Dad takes Sean off to the porch where he now replays the abandoning story, again, after he immediately gives his permission for them to marry. He actually said "She's been abandoned, and now she is abandoning her heart to you". Coming from someone who would know, I think Ashlee is on the verge and just might kill herself when he sends her home. I kind of think he is scared to send her home because of that.....

 

Catherine:

Sean shows up in Seattle wearing skinny jeans again, which, again, is not a good look for him. Man, she is fun, but almost too fun. I feel like I am watching my friends in Jr. High. Just as the stench of raw fish sinks into their fingernails, they stick their gum on a disgusting wall of disgusting gum. Seattle is gross. They get to whoevers house they are going to and I am a little confused. She said her dad was Chinese. Her grandma is Polynesian, there is a Japanese doll in the background of the interviewing room, and there is a Hopi Indian rug on the wall. What kind of human is she? Pretty eccentric. Her sisters are darling and apparently down to earth also. They ask Catherine if she would say yes if he proposed and she answers "Yeah, I'll try it out", like he is a used Honda.  They ask what she is going to do when the "fun, happy" part is over. Red flags are raising. Then the sisters meet with Sean. They pretty much throw her under the bus by saying that she is super fun and cute, then she gets moody and messy, then things get hard, yada, yada, and now here she is. Her mom ignored the "do you give your blessing" question. Doesn't look good for her. If I didn't know any better *wink wink* I would think for sure she would go home this week. They don't look like they have chemistry to me (which is dumb to say since the producers make it look however they want), but combined with the footage from this hometown.... ehh...

 

Lindsay:

Sean now puts on yet another sweater out of the gay closet and heads to the military base. He asks 30 times about her dad and how to act and what to say and how to act. She forces him to go antique shopping, then they stop for a much needed beer. Sean says he loves cupcakes, and they have another beer. Poor guy. Then, in a pleasing twist of events, Lindsay makes him put on some Old Navy cargo pants and an Army shirt and she orders him around a park. It was actually really cute. Really. Sean tells the camera he is nervous about the dad, but he makes men out of boys for a living and he hopes he will see the man that Sean is. Sean should show him the red footie suck your thumb picture from last week, that will win him over. Lindsay tells her parents the wedding dress story and conveniently leaves out the part where she gets hammered and almost goes home. The dad talk goes freaking fine and then he gives them dog-tags with the YW values on it. Sean really likes her. I actually do too.

 

Sidenote - I am following Des, Lesley, Lindsay, Catherine, and Tierra on Instagram. Those girls, minus Tierra, are super spiritual. Quotes, bible verses, hashtagging Jesus. It is actually kind of cool.

 

Desiree:

I love her. I love her so much I want her to go home and get away from this shit. The opening scene of this date floored me. She is in workout clothes. And not cute ones. Then he has the audacity to show up in the same pink shorts he has worn 13 times this season (which should have been stopped the first time he wore them) (one of the times was rock-climbing with Selma in the harness.... I got a pink package I didn't want....). But that wasn't the worst part - it was the pairing with the shirt. He has on an obviously brand new baseball shirt that was navy blue and dark purple. With light pink tight shorts. I had to pause it to soak in this information. Anyway, I love that she has her own house. Doorbell rings and an apparent ex-boyfriend shows up, asking why she hasn't answered texts or returned calls, telling the camera man to turn off the camera, etc. Big-boy Sean gets worked up and   clenches his fists, which the camera-man so beautifully captures. The whole thing is a joke and this tells Sean that he really thinks they could be best friends. Mom and dad show up. Wowza.  Anyway, everything goes great, brother and all, then brother decides to 'holla' at Sean for an impromptu second drunk interview with Sean right as they are about to bite into their steaks. Rewind: brother and Des have an unsettling talk where she tells him that Sean makes her happy. Brother, being the dumbass that he is, says "A lot of guys can make you happy. That's not what it is about." Huh? What, pray-tell, is it about my little drunken douchebag? Fast-forward. Did anyone else notice that wall in her house full of degrees? That girl has it together. She is darling. Brother takes Sean out by the pool and pretty much tells Sean he is a man-whore and is not right for his sister. Sean goes that ugly beet-red, and I'm sure had the cameras not been rolling he would have kicked his ass. They walk back in and Des' toothless dad, in an effort to smooth things over, tells Sean matter-of-factly that were they come from they have 4 distinct seasons. That may have been the last straw for him and Sean leaves. Brother reminds me of that guy at the bar, drunk, his nose is crooked from multiple bar fights, he is hammered, and when he gets hammered he gets mouthy. You know? I've been to a lot of bars, so I know.

 

Ceremony:

I could never put my finger on it, but my mom summed it up nicely by pointing out that that room looks like a French whorehouse. Cheap satin fabric draped all over, neon lights, feathers. Sean stands up there and tells the girls that all of their families were so warm and inviting.... then Des pulls a ballsy move and pulls him out to the foyer. She tells him sorry for her shitty brother and she hopes it didn't ruin anything. He tells her not to worry and that everything will be ok, like he would in his pussy way.  However It isn't ok and she should worry. He then tells the girls he has no clue what he is going to do, then easily hands Ashlee and Lindsay a rose, which isn't awkward at all for the other 2. He gets upset and walks out. You'd better hope you got a good headshot on this show, because apparently that is where they turn when they can't decide who they like. While Sean stares at the pictures, Chris walks in and tells him he knows this must be so hard, but figure out what he wants to do and meet him out there. Sean tells him that he seriously doesn't know. Chris then says that his advice is to follow your heart and take your time, but you have about 2 minutes. Sean does his dumbest thing yet and sends Des home. She sweetly but firmly tells him over and over and over he is making a mistake. He tries to comfort her by saying he will miss her, to which she answers, "then don't let me go".  Good point, Des. I was pissed for a good 4 hours, but now I'm good. He doesn't deserve her.

 

Next week: Overnight dates with a virgin. Sounds steamy.

The Bachelor - Episode 7

Episode 7:

I found this episode almost nauseatingly boring, even with the "big fight".

To start, Lesley was clinging to his side the whole episode, which apparently didn't pay off. The first thing Tierra did was pull out the port-a-bed, which was hilarious to me. Then she muttered "The cougar is back in town" as Ashlee got the first date card.

Ashlee:
Ashlee really is an old soul. Apparently an old maid too. The first 12 hours of the date was spent rolling around in the sand, making out. She managed to squeeze in her opinion on Tierra, which for some reason Sean decided to listen to. Apparently he didn't get it when the 5 other girls told him. They get to dinner and she takes 15 minutes, of which they aired ALL every second, to tell him she has been married before. Then she stands on her chair and yells "I love Sean" like she was giving a moose call.

Tierra:
Man I am sick of her and her white lipstick and too-long hair. She gets a date card, finally, and of course she bitches about it. Mind you, I, too would have bitched, maybe just to myself or my mom or something. If you are in the Virgin Islands, you go to the beach. It's hot. It's dirty. It's hot. 3 minutes into the date she is complaining, again, that she is "hot, gross, and thirsty" but she thinks she is super special because Sean buys her, with ABC's money, a hemp dolphin necklace from 1993 and an eternity bracelet that he had no idea meant eternity. WHY the HELL is Sean wearing a long-freaking-sleeved shirt? He sits her down and gives her one last chance to prove herself a normal person and she still blames everything on the rose she got the first night and that all the girls are still jealous. They sit down on a dock and the camera gets an awesome angle of her ridiculously LONG toenail, and that sealed the deal for me.

Group date:
Sean starts out by being every girls worst nightmare and waking them up at 4am. He walks by Tierra on a cot in the foyer, which should have been a red-flag, and takes pictures Catherine, Lindsay, and Des as they wake up. They drive to somewhere and he tells them they are the "first 4 Americans to watch the sun rise", along with the 20 other crew members with them. This is a cute idea for a date, but unfortunately was extremely boring. They went to the same sugarmill he took Tierra to the day before, and some other places I don't remember. The only thing revealed in this date is that it is now apparent that Lindsay is much better with her makeup/hair done, and Catherine tells him she watched her dad try to kill himself, which evidently is not as traumatic as watching the tree fall on her friend (poor girl!) and Des is really pigeon toed, but she is my favorite. Lindsay gets the rose because she is "fun".

Lesley:
We start out with a flashback of Emily and Aries last date on some kind of plantation and Lesley wearing the exact dress Emily was. Again, boring. Lesley is really cute and normal. No apparent night portion of this date, just a few hours of awkward conversation and forced kisses. Then the red pajamas. This is possibly the most exciting thing thus far. Sean, for SOME reason unknown to man, whips out a picture on his phone of him, at his current age, in red footie pajamas sucking his thumb. Yep. I was starting to think maybe he was a little weird and this confirmed it. I don't think I really even like him anymore. Don't.

The fight:
Sean flies his sister in to pretty much help him with Tierra. She tells him to "not end up with the girl no one likes" which is refreshingly sound advice and the most down to earth thing I've heard in 3 weeks. While they are talking on the beach about what a bitch she is, Tierra is sitting on the couch in the apartment with huge bug bite welts all over her bitchy folded arms. Ashlee has had it with her shit and calls her out on something and she erupts like she always does, only this time she is getting it back. They bicker for a few and Tierra snaps her hand, as if to shoosh Ashlee, and tells her she is done with this conversation. Ashlee goes into the other room to ask the girls about something Tierra said and she storms back in denying everything. Ashlee, being the wise old owl that she is, looks at the camera man and tells them to roll tape. Then she stabs the knife in the back by reminding Tierra that her own parents told her not to come on the show because she can't get along with anyone. Which is freaking funny. Tierra admits she has no control over her freaky eyebrows. Again, funny. Meanwhile, Sean wants his sister to meet sweet Tierra and heads up the hill to get her. He finds her convulsing on her cot, rolls his eyes at the camera (again, freaking funny) and asks her what is wrong. She starts telling him she got in a fight with 'someone' and he stops her and tells her "at this point it would be best for you to say her name" LMAO. Needless to say, he sends her home. He makes it sound like he is doing it because he cares so much for her, which is lame. 2 things: I feel extremely relieved, and how did she get her stuff? She left straight from the fight to the van. If I were the girls, all her shit would have been floating in the ocean by the time she shut the van door. She mutters about how no one will ever take her sparkle away.

Ceremony:
Sean is getting hard ass and tells them no cocktails. He looks like he is one click away from snapping someones neck. I really like Lesley and am pissed he sent her home. But at the same time the more I know of Sean the more I am ok with the girls I like going home because they are better than him.


Blah.

NOT a bachelor post

I'm behind on last episode because, well, I was bored. Slash I haven't had time.

Anyway, I have been wanting to get a few things out, so here they come.

1. 3 mean kids in high school gave these dumb awards every year. The popular people got nice ones, and everyone else got mean ones. It sucked. Anyway, one year I got a SAM award for "Having the most fake personality". It really hurt and I hated it, and really, didn't understand why. I thought I was keeping it pretty real? I guess maybe not. But as time has gone on, and especially in more recent years, I have thought, I wonder if it because I am bi-polar? I wonder if it was evident then? They probably didn't know either that I was really really outgoing most of the time and was really shy of popluar guys, like them, so it seemed things changed when I was around them. I don't know why or what their reasoning was. Anyway, I want to say to those guys - I was dealing with a lot of shit and there was a lot you didn't/don't know. And it was rude.
2. I've had 2 mommy ahhhaa moments lately and one is this: Max sleeps in our bed. Don't judge me. I too said I would never, and here I am. He has horrible night terrors and if bi-polar over here doesn't sleep, shit hits the fan, and it is a hell of a lot easier for now. Think what you will. Anyway, the past month I have been super down and have had extreme anxiety to the point of going to the instacare thinking I was having a freaking heart attack. Still not controlled. So at nights, more often than not, I've been sad or crying. Every night, he scoots over close to me, finds my hand to hold, plays with my hair, kisses me face all over. He will say "You sad?" then he will kiss me again then say "Happy ma??" He will do it over and over until I tell him I am happy now. How could that not melt even a hard heart like mine? The other night specifically was a moment where I thought to myself "You were worth it Max. All the HELL the pregnancy and postpartum have caused and on my body and mentally is worth it.
3. I know people have brought this up before, but I just can't take it. Where the hell are Max and Ruby's parents? Seriously. If Ruby didn't have to babysit so damn much maybe she would quit being such a bitch. I can honestly say I think I hate her. What is weird is one time I saw a family picture in their house and it had Max, Ruby, and Grandma and Grandpa in it. Aaand Grandma doesn't live with them because she comes to visit.... sooooo what kind of set up is going on there?? Aaaand has anyone ever really took note of the wallpaper going on in that freaking house?? I think it may, or may not, change every episode. I haven't been able to put my finger on it but it always seems different. Except one room always has big green sombreros, horrible ones. Big obnoxious flowers, etc etc. UGH. I'll be glad when this phase is over. I'll take Dora anyday. Umi Zoomi. Jake and the Neverland Pirates I actually enjoy.  I've been almost missing Thomas the Train.

Ok, I'm done. I'll get around to The End of Tierra episode soon.

The Bachelor Week 6

Ok, Canada is pretty. This place really is gorgeous. I'd almost take it over a tropical place. (BENJ: hint)

The show starts with Sean talking about how he has given up while he walks across a beaver damn, meanwhile the girls, 9 of them, are brought in 2 limos. Can't limos hold like 30 people and aren't we a little short on cash this season?

Catherine:

Maybe I suck but I think ombre hair looks like bad roots most of the time. Not hers, it just got me thinking. Anyway.... Catherine gets deposited on a glacier somewhere. I was thinking Kasey from Ali's season was going to show up any minute, still wandering the glacier alone. An awkward long time goes by and Sean pulls up in a "snow bus" (which Benj would LOVE might I add), again wearing a gay sweater, and makes her put on a onsie snowsuit. They frolic around in a full on blizzard. She stupidly says "I never get cold when I'm with him" while Sean aka Jack Frost reminds me why he should stay in Texas and not in Canada with his red face and frost stuck to his already white eyebrows. So gross. Umpa Loompa. 

Then they seriously sit down on the glacier, in literal negative degree weather with wind chill of -25 (I looked it up) and attempt a picnic. Really??? I really like her actually. Seems normal. I am partial to ice-castles, so I loved that part. Catherine shows her serious side, which includes watching someone die, and ends it with her life goals and says "I knew going into this that you wanted that too...." Which is a big fat lie because they didn't know who the Bachelor even was until long after they'd been chosen. He tells her he is crazy about her, like he has told at least 7 or the other 8 women, and then one of them says "you've melted my heart". Cheese. She gets a rose. 

Group date:

Daniella is floored she doesn't get the one-on-one. None of us are. Again Sarah is on an awkward date, this time one-armed in a canoe and swimming. Sean actually says the phrase YOLO and tells them the bad news that they are doing the Polar Bear Plunge in order to fully embrace Canada. He shows them the ginger lifeguard and short-set stalky medic that will later take care of Tierra's bullshit. Selma flat out tells Sean to go to hell and then takes her seat in the warm tent and glosses her lips. I'd like to bring to everyone's attention 2 phrases Tierra says before the plunge. #1: "I think I might die" complete with a bitchy smirk, and #2, "I wonder how I will react afterwards", thus, setting herself up. ABC does a great job every year by the way of cutting up the dialogue and bits so that the villan sounds and looks worse that she is. Not that she isn't bat-shit crazy, but I'm just pointing it out. The rest of them run, jump, submerge, and are excited and fine (return of the shirtless Sean, BTW). Sarah evidently can swim. There hasn't been any drama so far, so CUE to Tierra to double over with hypothermia. Now keep in mind here, she is a cold-stoned bitch to the very core of her soul, so it's no wonder she got so cold. Sean looks from afar while she is dying and ginger and shortset haul her off to the ABC Suburban to warm up. At some point during this, she looks at the camera with her evil face and says "I'm missing time with Sean {sad-face}". She ruins the rest of the date for everyone else and the next thing we know she is sitting in a plush bed with a shit grin on her face, showered, makeup and hair re-done, drinking some warm coffee, and hurries and puts her oxygen on right before Sean comes in. She acts embarrassed, Sean asks if she is doing this to get more time with him and she pretty much says yes. She actually said the words "This is the 3rd time!" Sean tells her he feels good about her and not to come to the party tonight. All the girls are linked arms and holding hands walking into the night portion of the date, which is getting quite frankly awkward. Lesley sure has had her hip glued to him all day, starting with the canoe, then holding his hand while they dove in the water, now sitting by him all over. It is clear why: Sean gives the rose to whoever screams loudest. Tierra quickly sees that the attention has turned from her and suddenly thaws out and shows up, right as the girls are bitching about her. The minute Sean notices she is there he snags her away, offering to carry her, but finds out soon that she has thawed and her hands are "so warm". He tells her for the 3rd time "bless your heart" like what people say about ugly people with good personalities. Lindsey then says something really really really funny while recounting all the "accidents" Tierra has had: "I hope she falls up some stairs, into an ice bucket, and then..... has to BE NICE to everyone for a while!" Post party, Sean makes another kind of ass-hole move and comes and gets Sarah, who has rolled up her long sleeve trench coat so that nubby is hanging out awkwardly, and sends her packing. This is where I will be a smart ass-no-more for a second. That was sad. Poor girl, seriously. He could have waited until the rose ceremony. I thought that was a bad way to do it. Smart-ass back on: I love how they portray that they only have one small bag, when in reality I know most of them have one large bag for shoes, and a minimum of 5-6 bags each. 

Des:

Well I really love Des. She gets one-on-one #2, pissing everyone else off. The first thing she says is that she had been questioning her feelings for him, which I love. It is refreshing to have one of the girls have some balls and stand up and say "Hey, maybe I don't like him..." The word Banff is really awkward to say/see. They go repelling. Repelling peppered with screams of fear and lots of kissing. It was actually kind of weird how many times they stopped and kissed. Then the picnic (it always seems to go dumb date, picnic, kissing, dumb date, picnic, kissing, wash, rinse, repeat, wash rinse, repeat). What I got from this was Sean asked her why she got all weird in MT and she said she didn't really know, which is weird because she told America why she was all weird, but then post picnic interviews she says she was glad she could tell him why she was so weird in MT. Then, they climbed a tree and made out. I bet Benj wishes I would climb a tree with him and then make out. Let me just throw in how I HATE that they yell "CANADA" at the top of the tree really loud and it echos the valley and then they show an elk in a river far away. And now the mother of all gay stupid sweaters appears on top of Sean and they head to a teepee. That is a horrible sentence. And it is a horrible sweater. Here you can only see a glimpse but it is the best I could find. Looks like she is pretty grossed out too. 

Her tent story was cute and I'm starting to think she is too good for him. I already know she doesn't win, so I'm rooting for her for the next Bachelorette. And when I say that I really am kidding because I like her and she will just get screwed over on the show, but I'd watch it. Sean utters the exact same sentence he said to countless others "I'm really excited about where this is going" and he gives her a rose. Then, wait for it, Des says: "I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent and here I am, falling in love in a teepee." No shall say no more. 

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony:Selma stands in the shadows in her mustard colored dress with extreme cleavage and says "Now really, he's going to wife that?" Making some African-American movements with her body Selma is speaking of Tierra). For once Tierra is actually semi-quiet and maybe it is because the fox carcas around her neck. Maybe not. Selma does a "screw you Baghdad!" move and gives Sean a SUPER awkward kiss, which doesn't pay off. Come on girls: crying gets you roses, not awkward kisses. Lindsey is again in a wedding dress-ish, but I am beginning to like her. Professional Organizer girl pulls out a blindfold, in a symbolic way, not a kinky way, and that could have been really uncomfortable had he not liked her.... He did, I must say, handle that nicely. Although I predict he sends her home next week. No 1-1 time with Danielle was shown, nor has it ever really been shown. She isn't really dramatic or pretty, but not ugly, she's neutral. I don't know what her point on the show was supposed to be. He didn't even say goodbye to her. Sean ends the night by telling them they are finally going somewhere normal and then in a shocking turn of events announces he is ending it right here and tells them he is FLDS and he knows "you 6 are the 6 for me". 

Misc:

And when I said Daniella was neutral, I certainly wasn't talking about that hair. I was continually stunned each time she was shown to me at just how trashy that hair was and continued to get.  If you google pictures of her, wowZa did photoshop and a personal hair and makeup person do her some good.. . . . 

Man I can't think of her name... (not a good sign) but organizing foster care girl with the purple thong.... looks exactly like a human form of Bambi. Also she has had one too many botox injections in those pretty little cheeks. This picture doesn't do it justice, watch next week. She even does the eye squint in highly lit areas. 

I think Tierra is really pretty when she smiles and really not when she doesn't. 

Nothing can make a guy unattractive like a ugly sweater. And this guy has a closet of them.

Just be glad THIS is over: 

The Bachelor Week 5

Lindsey:

I didn't know Lindsey's name until last night. I didn't really care because I thought she was dumb as a rock and was just scooting by, but apparently he really likes wedding dress girl. For confirmation of my "dumb as a rock" assumption, the first words out of her mouth as they look at the helicopter they are going to get into is "Is that a helicopter?". They put on some matching lumberjack shirts, fly to an Indian reservation, aggressively kiss, then have dinner under a huge moose head. She muttered something about not knowing how she ended up here, or where she was, or what was going on, but she was glad she made it. Aggressively kiss. They go to "town square" for a personal concert where all the townspeople show up and then she says "it doesn't get any better than this". Really? A concert on an Indian Reservation in Montana, freezing, on a platform with about 30 people watching you post moose-head dinner? I can think of a few better situations. She does a Ashley Herbert spider monkey move on him and it is over. This whole thing got about 8 minutes of airtime. She gets a rose.

Group:

Selma dawns an ear-warmer that looks suspiciously like a turban and they head to the backwoods. Again, Sean invites Sarah on a group-date where she can't do anything and she has a internal struggle behind cameras. Did they say "buck hay"? You'd think I would have heard that term growing up in a small town. Turns out, bucking hay is the exact same thing as carrying hay, just has more of a ring to it. They enter into this lumberjack competition where the winners get more time with Sean, likely on a rooftop somewhere, drinking champagne and wrapped in fur blankets. Sean makes a bold move and pretty much tells the winners to go to hell and invites the losers to spend more time with him anyway. Poor goats get some serious nipple trauma. He goes thru every girl one by one and tells them all the exact same things. Tierra finds one of the blue teams lumberjack shirts and heads to the party for a little head start to her date the next day. Daniella has caught on to the damsel in distress role that Sean clearly falls for (in his words, it "made an impression" on him) and she musters some tears for the sympathy rose. 

At this point my mom is fuming that the ambulance disaster scene they have been previewing isn't until tomorrow night. She'd been looking forward to it all week. She almost has tears in her eyes. This is how sad our lives are. She also has said about 4 times that she doesn't like Sean. At all. 

Two-on-one:

This is obvious from the start since Tierra is clearly in tomorrow's episode and Jackie has little to no personality. Sean puts on one of his endless gay sweaters and they go horseback riding. Jackie rides a comfortable 50 feet behind the happy couple then goes on to tell him Tierra was flirting with someone at the airport and he should really send her home. Really? If you are going to tattle on someone and get sent home (which they always do when they tattle), give him a good story. I can think of 3 right now and I don't even know her. Sean keeps telling the girls, if something is going to "directly impact" him, then he wants to know. But he doesn't want to hear it otherwise. Personality traits of a potential mate "directly impact" you sweetheart, quit getting so pissed off. Tierra then tells an effective sob story, that easily could have been made up, and secures the rose. Jackie heads to the limo, where she has another chance to tell him some dirt (because who cares at this point??) and she stays classy. Sean leads Tierra down to a fireside couch and muttered how he has something special planned for her (like he knew all along). They started a dramatic fireworks show shortly after the limo left, I bet Jackie could freaking see/hear them. 

Cocktail party/ceremony:

Drama, drama, drama, Tierra, bitching, drama, "I can find a fiance anywhere", blah, drama, yap, yap, eyebrow, yap, "Why is everyone watching my every move!?" (YOU ARE ON NATIONAL T.V.), yap, bitch, blah. Sean stumbles upon this and gets pissed off. This has been an actually semi-mild argument compared to the others this season thus far (although next weeks looks pretty juicy), so he has no idea what is going on. He pulls Tierra aside and she tells him, again, she really isn't a drama person, and then he sends home the girl who was fighting with her. Seems to be a trend. 

Misc:

I loved the looks on the girls faces when Chris told them what they were doing this week. He started with "pack your bags" to which I'm sure they all thought "Thank goodness. It's about time we go to Tahiti..." then he hit them with "We are going to the beautiful Indian Reservation of MONTANA! Woo!! Let me see your YAY faces!" So ABC pulls out a deer head lamp, Indian rugs, and antlers for the backdrops in the little interviewing sequences, and the girls pull out yet more alcohol and are in various stages of intoxication throughout the week. Sean goes on and on about how this is the most beautiful place he thinks he's ever seen. Remember, last season he traveled the world with Emily {Bermuda, London, Croatia, Prague & Curacao}. Just sayin. Also, not sure if you noticed, but Sean remained clothed this entire episode. Yep. Crazy huh? All I know is I am glad he took them somewhere cold so they would all wear freaking pants this week. My hell. 

This episode was a waste of time and it gave me anxiety and yucky feelings and I used a babysitter about it. Pissed. Hopefully tomorrow night is better (and it is - commentary coming).