Bachelor episode 2

Clare: First of all, Clare, you aren't part Mexican. I don't know who told you that but I can easily look at your and your family and see - nope - no latinos there. Please quit saying it. She is one of my favs tho. JP pulls up in his batmobile to pick her up. He actually comes inside the house to get her so we get to see Cassandra with her lame cat shirt on again (see previous post). **Side note, I thought the girl with the dog was pulling a "hey, here is something to remember me by" stunt by bringing the dog on the first night. No, no, it is actually in the mansion with them, has it's own bed, the whole 9 yards. I hate that. Really bad** I thought it was strange and awkward how all the girls followed the two of them to the car, but really cute that he blindfolded her (which was semi-unfortunate because it screwed up her hair). At this point I am very distracted by her sheepskin coat lapels. He whisks her to the winter wonderland and she happened to find some snow boots, and they play like kids. It actually looks way fun, I'd like that I think. They jump back to the mansion to interview some girls and what do you know - Lucy is standing there naked - and everyone acts like it is normal. Of course no Bachelor scene is complete without a hot tub scene, so they have a portable one there and Clare cannot keep her hands off him. I can't even pay attention because of her rubbing his back, his thigh, his face. She of course gets a rose, which he has to trek thru snowbanks to get. Couldn't they have put it on a pedestal next to the tub?? Now Clare dons some kind of another weird collar, a furry one, maybe a dead rabbit? and they are lead away thru the fake forrest to find an incredibly hairy Sasquatch man singing for them. I think it is weird that auto-correct just auto-corrected Sasquatch and capitalized it. They sway and rub and make out and she says something about how she knows her dad is watching. I kind of hope not, I was pretty risqué but I wouldn't be bumpin and grindin like that in front of Chief Ekins. I like Clare, and this was just the "tip of the iceberg". 

Kat: She is pretty fun and bubbly. She has a weird shaped face, almost like her chin is so skinny it disappears. She is pretty though. They drive to an airport and she is dreaming big - New York, Miami. JP comes out wearing a modern Richard Simmons sweatsuit that lights up. Re-read that sentence. I never thought I'd ever have to type that. Wow. Anyway, and hands her some neon 80's workout clothes. At this point, if I were her, I'd tell him to take me home. Well, her dreams didn't come true and she ended up in none other than our very own Salt Lake City, actually in Lehi at Thanksgiving Point (how did I miss that??!). The "date" is them running a *?#@?": 5K glow in the dark rave bullshit thing. Wow. Next to this date with Selma and Sean, it might be the worst ever. {{IF you go to that link, mind you, let us just have a word about Sean's pink shorts. Whatever, we remember them from his season, and you can clearly tell what my feelings are about them. BUT did anyone else notice HE HAS THEM ON AGAIN when he and Catherine visit JP and have their feet in the pool??!?! Catherine needs to reign that in ASAP}} One thing I noticed on this "date" was that both her and Clare said they needed to use self control and restraint around him to keep from jumping him. I understand he is cute girls, but get ahold of yourself. JP said the word "spontaneous" and pronounced it sponta-knee-us. Keep working on it buddy. Soo, they pretty much ran and ran and danced and possibly did some drugs and then he gave her a rose. I don't even think they talked. Kinda weird. 

Group date: I hate to even waste time talking about Lucy, but I will say this. She likes to hold hands with the other girls and run around. Then she randomly flashed the camera. Benj happened to walk by during that and muttered something under his breath about how bad he hates the Bachelor. So they are doing a photo shoot with dogs. A guy comes in with a BLUE beard and says who knows what because I was staring at his dumb beard. One of the girls says "there was a lot of sex and pooping" and I'm glad Benj didn't walk by then because he would have been pissed off. They have to dress up like the dog they are assigned and it is all "in the name of charity". The dog lover girl gets put in a flesh colored jumpsuit (reminds me of my high school days) and gets painted like a bald alien dog. 2 girls get assigned to do a naked shoot, which I think is BS of JP to even ask of them. Elise pawns hers off, smartly, to Lucy, who is practically begging to be naked, and poor Andi is upset. Blue beard tells them it is ok to be uncomfortable because it "isn't about you, it is about a good cause". Bullshit. You could tell a girl, "hey, sleep with me, it is for a good cause" or "go kill that little kid, it is for charity" and that doesn't make it ok, or comfortable. I kind of wish Andi would have told him no. She tells JP "I'm the only one who brought a one piece" which I kind of love about her. He calms her and she decides to do it. Random camera change to Lucy, outside walking a dog, butt naked, down the street. Whatever, wants attention, crazy weirdo, but really, isn't that illegal?? Back to the shoot, they are doing the naked one and Andi is sitting with her leg up (hello va-jay-jay!) and Lucy is all open and JP there with just a sign over his genitals, and guess who walks by again? Benj. Makes me pause it and yaps at me about watching weird dog porn and how trashy and stupid this show is, yada yada. Unpause. Night portion of the date gets crazy, and cold apparently, because they are all wearing blankets. Victoria is clearly completely wasted and twerking by herself in the pool. Some of my favorite quotes she mumbled before her breakdown: "Juan Pablo is my boyfriend. If he was my boyfriend (huh?) I'd straddle that every day. That is what life is about, straddling people." and "I gave him the hymen maneuver today, he owes me". I assume she means the pretend heimlich maneuver she did at the photo shoot? She likes her hymen, that is for sure. And one more "who's leg do I have to hump around here?". She then has a complete breakdown. She went from twerking in the pool to hysteria in the bathroom in about 2 minutes - all because she hadn't had her one on one time. Mama Renee tries to help and calm her (as did nurse Nikki) but to no avail. She tries to leave the building and the crew won't let her go cause she is so out of control. Someone tells JP, who comes to try and talk to her, and she is a complete BITCH and ignores him. Apparently she was then hauled to a hotel to de-freaking-tox. JP was cute with the girls about it and pretty much said he felt sorry for her. He gives the rose to the dog lover, who I have now pinpointed, looks exactly like a cartoon bat. I think she is annoying and not cute and needs to leave. And take her dog. Her response to the crew about getting the rose was "I don't have to pack my bags! That is a lot of stuff. I can just sleep in!"

Victoria: He finds her in a hotel the next day, like a pimp finds a whore, and she acts like a 13 year old little shit girl. She says "I guess I should apologize" about the "bathroom issue". I use the term "bathroom issue" when my tampon leaked or when I have diarrhea, not when I have a crazy breakdown. I have other words for that ;) I feel bad for JP, like he is dealing with his 6 year old, explaining why it is wrong, why she has to go home, etc. I am so glad he sent her home right then. Classy. 

Rose ceremony: The reporter Amy in the green dress awkwardly smiles all the time, and, well, it is awkward. Who is in the long sleeved gold dress? She looks like the Golden Globe Trophy. I think it is the half blackie girl with her hair straightened. Her hair looks much better straight. Poor Cassandra brings pictures of her son to the ceremony, for an unknown reason, and cries over them. I'm not saying she doesn't miss her son, I'm just saying, don't bring something that will make you emotional or sad to an event like that probably. It's like bringing a picture of the person who murdered your mom to her funeral. Kind of. Anyway, so she has a mild breakdown and again mama Renee is right by her side and talking her thru it. JP gets there and calms her also. He really is very comforting. He is good at empathy. In the meantime, however, I think her right nipple is showing. I am good with the girls who left and feel satisfied. 

Misc: 

• Lucy. Needs. To. Go. 
• The girls all seem to be pretty friendly with each other. Talking, hugging, etc. 
• I really like Nikki but I think she might be better with darker hair. Her hair is so blonde and her brows so big and dark, it freaks me out. 
• I feel like JP puts out a lot of the drama on the show, making it hard to blog. They clearly have the normal producers back again this year so I can't make fun of budget cuts. It is just too normal to have any good material thus far. Sorry folks. Here's to more alcohol, crying, nakedness, and craziness next week.