The Bachelor - episode 3

This is prob going to be a short post - it wasn't full of dog porn and drunken crazies like last time...

It starts off with Chris coming in in wearing this little getup - making me question why I am watching:

Cassandra gets the one-on-one, and true to her emotionless-zero-personality self, she seems ecstatic......  As kind of a side note - there is a lot of talk this week about kids. The phrase "single mom" was said minimum 4 times and I stopped counting. We get it. JP has a kid and he loves her and stuff. A lot. 2 of the girls have kids (and probably more of them) and yada yada. Got it. Before the Cassandra date, JP is force feeding his little girl el pollo while he and his parents have a picnic on the beach. Pretty sure his dad had garment tops on under his open button up.

Cassandra date:
She gets out of the car in a red onsie. Yep, I just said that. I don't give a shit who you are, onsies are for babies 24 months and under. Period. {{Please ignore the fact I wore a one-piece flesh colored onsie jumpsuit for Drill Team in High School. We were cool tho, so that is different.}} They get into a jeep that is painted like the Mexican on the movie Planes:

and, to be honest, I was semi annoyed. I'm thinking to myself there is NO NEED to get in an obnoxious Mexican jeep like that.                   Aaaaand, just kidding, they just drove it into the lake. It actually is pretty cool. Jeep turned jet ski. Cassandra is her awkward self and just squealing, looking at him awkwardly, not knowing what to say, dressed like an idiot. Thus far (haven't gotten onto the yacht yet) she has said "This is my first date in 3 years" x4. Scratch that, now it is x5. Got it, sweetie. It's been awhile. He takes her home to his pad and they cook dinner, which I think is cute. Again, she has awkward pants on. He can tell she is weird - he calls it shy - but whatever, and his idea to loosen her up is to salsa dance. Um, JP, **unless she is Mormon** the best say to loosen someone up is to get em drunk, not salsa dance. K? She is again carrying around actual photographs of her baby. Can you even get those printed these days? And she has no purse, is she literally just carrying them? Baby daddy is black. Just pointing that out.  To me this date was a lot of "This is my first date in 3 years", ugly clothes, and one too many uncomfortable pauses. I'm not in love with her, but she gets a rose.

Group date:

Reason # 44335645 I'd be a shitty contestant on the show, I hate soccer and being sweaty. Bat girl - I don't even know her name. Oh, I guess she is dog girl too, so dog-bat-looking girl: please go away. You aren't cute, you aren't nice, and again, you aren't cute. I wish she would shut her yapper. And also break her nose and leg. 

Do you think Miss Free Spirit shaves? I just saw armpit and wondered. Maybe it was JP's pit. Red team kicks ass and they are on to the night part of the date, where the girls are more comfortable in their skanky dresses and lots of makeup. I like Nikki. I REALLY need her to get some dark low-lights, preferably before next weeks show. But I like how she wants to learn about him. All the other girls wait for him to ask questions, but she is aggressive and asks him. Andi got a little hanky panky in the kitchen, and I wish ABC had spared me watching her straddle the counter and come 1/2 inch away from seeing her blurred va-jay-jay. They make out and she is SURE she is getting the rose. Charlene. This chick confuses me. Starting with her ethnicity. But she seems different, and old soul? A friend text me about her, and I quote: "Charlene. Gag. Can't. Stand. Hate. Puke. Worst. Kisser. Those are all words you can use in your blog about her." Hahaha, so some of you don't like her, some do I guess. JP seems to really like her. Free spirit girl - I think her hair was wet at the end of that date, and there was no swimming. Take what you will from that. 

The one-on-one was between Chelsie and Elise. Elise (age 27) was 300000% positive it was her. Confidence was shining beams out her face.  Chelsie got the date {FUNNY} and then Elise continued the rest of the show to bitch about it and how "young" Chelsie (age 24) is and how she isn't ready to be a mother, etc, etc. 

Chelsie:

Still undecided on her. She seems a little playful and I haven't seen a real serious side yet. She does look a lot like a friend of mine Bridgette (Let it be known I think my Bridgette is gorgeous and cuter than Chelsie **and single**  ;) cheeks? smile? )

The "car dance" to Mexican music - reason #44565 I'd be a bad candidate (I'd tell him to turn that shit down immediately and pull over for a DP with extra ice so I can pop an Ativan on my way to an air-conditioned airport). He takes her to try Venezuelan food, and after she takes care of the violent diarrhea I'm sure she got, they head to jump off a bridge. We shall back up here and take a gander at his shirt that is WAY TOO SHORT and pause for a moment and soak in the awkwardness. It is almost a belly shirt. 

We jump back to the mansion where Elise is still whining about Chelsie getting the date and how young she is and how she isn't ready to be a mother.

I hate to break it to these 2, but if the rope breaks, that dinky helmet will then be wearing YOU for protection. She gets super freaked out about jumping. He is like the calm whisperer, my hell. He can calm anything down. Side note - NO ONE looks good in an ass harness. I've worn one once on a date and I pray I'll never have to again. We did end up married, so I guess my date didn't think it was that bad. She decides it wasn't the diarrhea that was making her sick and choses to jump. They jump and he immediately kisses her, which I thought was kind of a strange time. Just because it will be cool to tell someone about later "I kissed a girl upside down hanging from a bungee on a first date 10 seconds after we jumped" doesn't mean you should. He seems to be trying to talk serious-ish at dinner and she has a lot of funny, light-hearted-dumb remarks but nothin real solid. He gives her the rose anyway. They then get a private concert from Billy Currington and he isn't looking so great. His back up guy has also seen better days.

It was awkward half-fast half-slow country music to dance to -  but they improvise.

Last day:
JP sneaks in early morning to cook breakfast for the girls. *Cute* He's looking to see them in their "natural" habitat - LOL. The first one down is bat-dog girl, who literally covers her face and runs. What a loser. Seriously rude. And vain. That food looks good, and I love how JP says "pee-yam-as" for pajamas. They decide to have a pool party instead of cocktail, and they all dawn their swimsuits. Then, the producers thought it would be a great idea to scan the boobs of all 15 girls, close up, while they rub themselves up with lotion. Classy.
Again, i'm confused with Charlene. I just can't tell if she is just super classy and not reality TV material, or if she is a bitch, or asian?? or what. I like Clare. Reason #43 i'm a bad candidate = if i let my hair air dry after the pool I'd look like this. Older, of course, but the hair part. And the expression on her face part. Not to mention makeup.

Renee again takes on the mom role as Clare has a minor breakdown. I think she is a dark horse. By the way, that bathroom is a MESS. With 15 (or whatever) girls and I'm sure a maid or two, can we not get things picked up?? I'm working on that with my 4 year old son for hell sakes! Man, I bet JP, and all the Bachelor's in history, and men in general I guess if we wanna take it that far, are so tired of crying and whining and bitching. Wowza. 

Rose Ceremony:

Charlene is wearing an origami dress and I do not likey. The black girl with the frizzy hair and neon flower in her hair - I don't even know her name - but come on - really??? I felt like I was looking at my 2nd grade yearbook. Elise, the pageant girl, has donned a red sequin pageant dress and is ready for action. What's that? - free spirit has her hair semi-done? And a dress on? Huh. Too little too late. You all know how I feel about bat-dog girl having her dumb dog there (see last post), but he DOES NOT NEED TO BE WITH YOU AT THE CEREMONY ON A LEASH AND WALK UP WITH YOU TO GET THE ROSE. REALLY. REALLY???? Man she annoys me. ABC apparently thinks it is still necessary for Chris to come out and announce the last rose, like no one can see it. Free spirit goes - great. Christy (never noticed her, other than bad makeup) goes. She is wearing sequin shorts and walks out to interview and says she thinks her time was botched because she wasn't very outgoing. No, honey, I'll give you 3 reasons other than that. #1, you cannot do makeup. This is actually a really good picture of you and it's still not good. Please stop using white eyeliner, it makes you look like a frightened deer. Nude. Nude is in. 

#2, You wore a wedding dress and a head piece on the first night. Enough said. #3 You sealed the deal when you somehow decided to put on sequin shorts for the rose ceremony.

Misc:
I call bullshit on Sean and Catherine not having had sex yet. Big. Fat. B.S. I'm excited to go to Asia and see if we can do some genealogy and find out Charlene's roots. I call for a one-on-one to the Family History Library!