First, thank you for all the comments here and on FB. Really. It was actually overwhelming, so thank you. Second, I haven't decided about doing another blog on just this topic or quite how to do it without being too personal (ideas??), but I just wanted to get some thoughts out tonight, so.....
Today sucked. It has been a week since I was released and seriously the whole week was awesome until today. I had felt great, Benj had noticed I was being my 'old self', I was laughing, frolicking through fields, etc. I woke up today in a semi panic attack. I don't know why. I didn't feel like I could take care of Max, Benj had to leave, etc, etc. It just sucked. I keep telling myself, it has only been a week. I have an illness; it doesn't just go away. I won't get the full effect of the new meds for at least a month. For some reason I am feeling pressure, probably just from myself, that I need to be 'better' and back to 'normal' by now. My therapist said tonight something to the effect of - think of it as a broken bone. A week after a bad break, if you put too much 'stress' on it, it will break again, or at least be damaged. She said you need to seriously take at least a month and re-coup. Do whatever you can to create no stress around you. If I didn't enjoy going to work so much, she'd reccomend I take a break from that too. I just feel dumb, asking for help, etc, for that long. And it may even be longer. I'm just frustrated. I'm sure my family is too, especially those that don't understand this. I feel like everyone around me is just sick and tired of it and of me being like this (I am too!!) and I feel so bad. I hate that everyone around me has to deal with it. If I was in their shoes I don't know how patient I would be. It's so easy to get discouraged - especially when I constantly feel guilty. Uggh!! Ok, I feel a tiny better. Thanks for listening.
Seriously, thanks again for everyone's support.
5 comments:
I had no idea you were going through all that (obviously) but I hope that blogging about it and feeling everyones support will help. I definitely think you put a lot of pressure on yourself to stay "put together" (i remember a few posts ago you wrote a whole page of what your daily expecations were.)
I always thought I would want to appear "put together" but i just decided I don't care anymore. I do the basics, feed kaius and myself. but if i dont get to dishes or even any chores i've learned to let it go. Im tired. hahaha hope everything improves and keep updating! You better not stop being funny.
So first I have to admit that I have blogstalked you for some time now (hope you don't mind) and let me just say how damn funny you are. I know we don't really talk anymore, but I think about you all the time and miss having you as a friend. I have yet to find someone who can make me laugh as hard as you can. Seriously. I read your blog usually at 2 am cause I work nights, and I always end up laughing out loud and I have to get up and walk away from the desk. You have so many people who love you, and I just wanted you to know I'm still one of them. Since you were reminiscing about Cedar (gag) in your last post, all I want to say about that is: handicapped airguitar on a bicycle.
love you...
Roo...I am sooo incredibly sorry for everything you are going through. It was so good to hear you talk about it and how you truly feel. I can't imagine how much strength it took to open up. You are such an amazing person with so many strengths. You are constantly making everyone laugh. I think about all the stupid things we did for years and have tears running down my face laughing so hard. Remember DAH!!! DONT!!! I still can't believe I broke the windshield in your dads truck over that stupid hand sign. Does he still think that was you??? Anyways, you are such an incredible person with talents people would die for. Please, please, please let me know when you are up for a girls day. We all need it! And, I really WANT to take Max so you and Benji can go on a date even a weekend just to yourselves and I can take him for the weekend. I really mean that. It would be so much fun for us and Cooper would love it. Sarah...I love you so much!!! You are in my prayers always!
Sarah, have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? Look into it. I use it on my clients and I've never had it not work on anyone...
Roo, I want to thank you for opening up. I am where you are at right now, and can completely relate to what you are going through. I told Ty the other day what if I just jumped out that window, he said you wouldn't die it's not high enough and I said not if I went head first. You say those things and people look at you like you are crazy, you pretend to laugh it off and inside you are screaming out that it's real. Your story helped me to see it from maybe what my kids and husband are seeing. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone there are more people out there that will one day break down and we will be there to help lift them. You still to this day make my day better. I look forward to reading your blog all the time. One thing I have come to realize is everyday will not go as planned and it will get over welling, but nobody has to walk into a perfect clean house or ride in a perfect clean car or smell how clean your clothes are as you walk past them on the sidewalk and if they do they are the crazy ones who can not grasp that life is crazy just like this quote says "The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing."
- Marcus Aurelius I can not dance at all like I use to and it for sure is not as smooth as it should be, I slam my self more to the ground now and gasp for air. But we still have to fight for what life we have left and some days it is easier to fight and others it is easier to have a day off from the wrestle or the dance however it may be going.
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."- Marcel Proust
I love you to death and would love to hang out! Send me your address on face book! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Roo2
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