The Bachelor: Week 1

Sooo, yes I am going to blog it again. I bitched all through last season, and to my dismay, it is even more ridiculous, based on the first episode, than last year. And here. We. Go.

• Starts off with a flashback from the humiliating finale last year.
• Man I DID NOT miss his sweaty bald spotted flappy hair.
• Contrary to popular belief, the phrase "Good things don't end unless they end badly" is stupid. My marriage ceremony ended and it was good. The hot dog I just ate was good, and it is over. Idiot.
• Don't sail in a peach tank top.
• I cannot believe they chose him.
• What should I have for lunch tomorrow? I'm already boredish.
• Squatting in the orchard sifting dirt through your hand?? Really? Tractor?
• Most promos they do on new Bachelors are them pumping iron and running on the beach. Nope, not Ben. Sailing and manual labor at the winery for him.
• Fly aways. Get him some pomade. Good helllll.
• Does he even have a home? He has been walking around in the orchard the whole show so far.
• OOooh snap. He plays the piano too.
• NOSTRILS.
• V-neck.
• Don't kayak.
• Did someone just say "lesbian cream pie"????? What!
• ****commercial The Vow looks soooo good. Channing Tatum. Mmmmm. Wasn't there a Sandra Bullock movie with the exact same plot??
• I'll say this once: the grandma stunt is a horrible staged desperate move by the producers. Hate. Not even funny.
• Horse girl is cute.
• Dumpsville - population YOU? I can't believe I just saw/heard that.
• Cow balls. She is a critical care nurse. Cow balls. Fried.
• Oh please don't make a heart with your hands.
• Of course model girl "isn't worried". They never are. Nor should they be. Hiya.
• Cue the curtain open: "Hi! I'm Jamie!" That wasn't cheeeeese at all.
• Just caught myself looking out my window.
• Semi-impressed with adopt you siblings RN girl.
• London + wardrobe changes + corny sayings = NEXT please.
• Oh, this is good. Over analyst blogger girl. That isn't a set her up to fail plan AT ALL......
• Holy shit.
• Ok, I'm no doctor, and I've only just met this girl, but I'm saying Xanax + inpatient therapy and come back in two years lady...
• Don't make a PBJ in an apron.
• That could turn into Emily/Brad pretttty quick. Leave kids out of it.
• Don't sit on a steer.
• Nicki - cute.
• Again, did I just  hear "share a tampon"? No, I must have misunderstood.
• ****commercial I cannot look at the Asian girl on Greys Anatomy. She is so weird looking. Creepy. **shudder**
• Mom - you said they kind of fixed his hair this season. No, I'm afraid they did not.
• Stare at a hummingbird Ben. That is cool. You homo.
• Why the hell are the sidewalks always wet at that mansion? Annyoing to drag your dress through freaking water.
• Chris H has a really square head.
• So I understand Ben's dad died. Why don't we keep talking about it every 3 minutes for half of last season and half of this episode. Ok?
• He just went cross eyed.
• Oh man, he just turned that sentance into a gay one by changing his tone to a gay voice. Woah.
• That, actually would make sense....
• That would be a good turn of events one season. Maybe this one.
• LOL, the hummingbird is his dad - or whatever.
• First car of girls pull up = sounds like hens gaggling.
• Verdict comment by law student girl was lame.
• "That's funny." He says, with no emotion or smile.
• The Baconator? Not a turn on sweetie.
• Candadian Bacon?? Isn't that ham, anyway?
• She has big boobs.
• Woah this one looks pregnant.
• Jenna = awkward.
• Like really awkward.
• More hens.
• Model girl reminds me a lot of someone I used to work with.....
• Don't play with his stupid hair.
• Quit playing with your own hair. This isn't a photo shoot.
• "She's pretty" he says. I'm no supermodel, but she isn't that gorgeous to me.
• Sash girl - Miss what? What is she? I missed that.
• See thru black legs dress is no bueno.
• What the HAT?? Derby?
• This is getting super desperate.
• And here we have anorexia manifested in real life. I missed her name, I was too busy watching her arm to make sure it didn't BREAK IN HALF.
• Grandma situation: Ok, I didn't see that coming.
• That girl just said: "Sash + HAT + grandma" Funny
• Ben: "The caliber is unreal." Caliber of what, those girls? Are we talking about the same thing?
• What time do I work tomorrow?
• There aren't many cute redheads. Annnnd, still, there aren't many cute redheads.
• 54 dresses?
• London = Cheese. Swiss + Provolone + Bleu + Cheddar freaking cheese. She could be cute if she'd change her personality completely.
• What the walk-by girl?
• Did Utah just say "oh hell" when she got out of limo?
• Don't have a lime green mermaid dress with ashy blonde hair.
• He likes a slug on the arm. LOL.
• "Do you know how many there are supposed to be?" Didn't they brief you sweetie? Have you ever seen the show?
• Oh good. Ben has "never dismounted anyone".
• Good thing she is cute. That could have been really really stupid.
• Gorgeous. Amazing. Handsome. Tall. Great body. Beautiful. Sexy. Great hair. Are we talking about Ben? Who??
• London just did a coyote call when Ben walked in.
• I like Rachel. Quit her job about it though?
• Nicki is overly excited here. Maybe a little tipsy??
• Oh. Bubbly. Bubbly = Ashley = Ben's type, evidently.
• "Hooves", he says.
• In the promo she said she's been riding since before she could walk. Now she says 6 years old. Umm, was she a non-walking 6 year old or is she exaggerating?
• This one has interrupted him twice.
• I am an interrupter. I'm working on it. Like really, in therapy, I am actively working on it. I'm supposed to get a notebook and when I'm having conversations write things down I want to say and wait for the person to finish talking. Good when in a meeting at work or talking seriously to Benj.
• Grandma again: She could have gone home after the limo stunt. No need to stay and chat.
• "I know more about you than you do". That isn't freaking creepy at all.....
• Does the granddaughter talk?
• "She has a heart" grandma says - LOL
• Family impression. She wants to make a family impression. Ok, again, the grandma getting out of the limo thing was good enough, now send granny home.
• Oh man, I love this trash!!
• There is some plastic & botox up in here!!!!
• And the drinking ensues.
• Rap = kinda cute. With a side of cheese.
• Ok. I'll say it. His personality is developing a little.
• Model: "I'm at the point in my life where, I'm a model". Genius.
• Jenna is either drunk and/or needs an Ativan.
• Did a lesbian activity just happen?
• Not surprising that the producers dropped that. I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner.
• I'm also surprised they haven't had a black Bachelor/ette.
• "You're in my life forever....Beautiful....Amazing....Need your #..... If you are the only thing that comes out of this...." holy hell.
• Jenna is hyperventilating. How do you maintain sanity, she asks?
• I know it's been said, but is it a staged move to have all the crazies come from Utah? It is the Last Days, for sure.
• Don't say "No tears". He just full on watched you crying you idiot.
• WTH is she even saying to him? What...?
• Wowza - she is a freaking train wreck.
• Is she throwing up?
• I like the first impression rose girl (horse girl).
• Hey Lindsay's parents: Don't spell Lindsay LINDZI next time around. It's stupid.
• Cow balls girl looks like the hairdresser on Legally Blonde:

• Model is a bit of a scrunch face.
• At this point in the show, Jenna looks like a meth addict.
• Woah, sweet little nurse showing some underboob.
• Why is the lesbian clapping?
• "You're a good hugger" "Get used to it" That was cute.
• London = huge head. In addition to her annoyingness.
• Woah nelly, Adams Apple on the back row!
• Aw man, the redhead.
• Jenna, for the love. It has been a rough show and you don't have many fans. DO NOT pout your lip like that. It isn't making it any easier to like you. Plus, you look like a troll. On meth.
• Adams apple got a rose. I could see that turning into a transvestite situation here shortly.
• That girl on the front row is so botoxed she can't even close her mouth. Ironically, I think it is Hat girl.
• Jenna gets a pity rose. P.I.T.Y.
• London feels like an absolute failure. It was one night. A little dramatic?
• Cow balls just wheeled her hands in circles for a good 30 seconds.
• Well kids, there has been lots of F-words tonight. The sweet little ladies.
• This promo  for next week is a little over the top with drama and emotions. Almost turn-me-off instead of wanting to watch. Good one, producers.
• "I want to verbally assult her". That is actually a freaking good line.
• I am looking at my notes paper and I had written "love blonde bangs girl" and my mind immediately went to the gutter.
• Anyway, I do like the girl who is blonde and has bangs. A lot. Classy.
• Again, the 'scenes from next week' cut is really, um, theatrical.
• Annnnd they kind of completely give away the finale....? Or is it just me?
• Is the finale in the mountains?
• Whew. It's over.