nuts

This hits home today......

taser story

I'm sure some of you have heard this, but my hell it is funny. It is SOOOOO Benj. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would have thought Benj was narrating this little diddy in the first 2 paragraphs. Sort of long, but worth it. Enjoy.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF SAM . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

classic

I got this randomly in the mail from Cher. It pretty much sums up our friendship/past together. Honestly, I don't even know what to say, other than please, everyone, notice her foot.

the egyptians were smart

I love these things. The penguin is my fav.

Dear Tess,

I HATE YOU.

NO!

White jeans= NO

White skinny jeans = HELL NO

White skinny jeans on a guy = HELL TO THE NO

White skinny jeans on a guy with his package visible = PLEASE, PLEASE NO!!!!

cuerno grande

Just some cool pictures of my parents property down at the Big Horn Ranch. They have really made our camp look amazing. Right out of Better Homes and Gardens. I'm new to the 'collage' deal, obviously, and deleted some of the pictures while posting them and I'll be damned if I am going to re-do anything at this point. You get the gist.

good words

pet peeve #496......

Honestly, Benj, is it that hard to make it in the basket? Ok, so you suck at making baskets: PICK IT UP. Grrr. Love you though.

smart idea

Genius marketing idea. This appeals to the 1% of people who are just randomly driving around looking for a house, and the other 1% who didn't mapquest what they were looking for and just happened to 'drive right by it'. Chances are, if they missed the whole subdivision, they are going to also miss the 6x8 sign. Wouldn't it be more effective to put the signs before the community? I'm just sayin.

birth control

Can I just take a moment here and talk about the last 30 minutes of my Tuesday babysitting adventure. I know I have brought this up before, and I'm going to bring it up again. Close your eyes (not literally) and picture this:

In the background: 6 hound dogs, a "coyote" dog, and 2 mutts, barking/howling, not even exaggerating, for 1 hour straight. A tired bronchitis Max semi-whining. I also have Em's 2 kids and a neighbor kid. Neighbor kid is going to the bathroom and I hear glass shatter. I run in and a piece of pottery or whatever had fallen and broke. I'm holding whiney bronchitis, mind you, who is now also sleepy AND has started to throw himself backward, you know how they do.... I tell the kid to go outside and play. 400 dogs still chiming in the background. I lay down bronchitis and tie a balloon to him. Go in and try to pick up the glass, which for some reason is all wet..... Insert: Owen yelling from the back door: "Sardee, you have to come squirt off my foot!" I'm sweaty sweaty and shuffled, bronchitis is hysterical, pick him back up. ME: "Why, Owen, do I need to squirt off your foot? For hell sakes!!" OWEN: "I didn't see and accidentally stepped in poop. I didn't see it Sardee," Meanwhile, one of the hounds has gotten out and is on top of the neighbors 20 foot hay stack, her saggy nipples flopping all over. I had to add that part because it specifically pissed me off. Sweat. Tell Owen that under no circumstance is he to step foot in the house. Go wipe it on clean lawn, dip it in the pool, and I'll be out in a second. Bark bark. He's crying because "coyote" dog is following him around licking him. I yell at dog. I yell at the 4 other dogs who have migrated on the back step and are howling and licking and trying to get in. I might have kicked one. I hate those damn dogs. Flip through the pantry to find a cardboard something to put the glass in. Dump out oatmeal, head for the bathroom. Bronchitis cry cry, grab my hair, flop backward. Sweating heavily. Why is the house so damn hot?? OWEN: "Sardee, hurry!!" ME: "Hang ON!" OWEN: "Dudley (the 'coyote' dog) is licking my face!" ME: "Kick him!!" Bronchitis cry, whine. Pick up glass in bathroom. Why is it wet? Bark. Go outside, sweating, turn on hose. 45 dogs licking, 'nose-ing' me, etc. Tell Owen to sit his butt down on the step, I'm going to spray. Spray poopy foot. Doesn't come off. Try to get back up the steps, sweat. Dogs in the way. Bronchitis. I get in, find the box of baby wipes and throw them out the door. Tell Owen to wipe his foot as good as he can, put on his crocs and come inside and sit his ass down on the couch until I can gather myself. Bronchitis whine, thrust backward, grab my hair. Step on wet carpet. What is this? Oh, Owen spilled milk on the rug earlier and didn't tell me. Warm milk rug kuh-kuh on my foot. Speaking of my foot, while outside, I evidently stepped in mud or dirt or who-the-hell-knows-what and tracked it thru the house. Owen comes in, looks like he peed his pants. I know I squirted him, but not up there..? Owen, did you pee? No, Sardee. Whatever, I don't even care. Also, in the meantime, the neighbor kid's brother comes over to get him, didn't shut the front door, 9 million of those 'listless' flies come in and are hovering around. I hate listless flies. Bark. Howl. He doesn't dare get by the dogs who are bursting through the back door. I am yelling for kid to go home, his brother is here to get him. Poop foot. Sweat. Bronchitis. Then it dawned on me why the glass was wet. Kid was peeing, scared him, pee all over the floor. Em came home and I hit the door runnin. My hell. In her defense, the kids really were good, it was just a shuffle at the end there, and thank goodness Anna slept thru it....geez! Pretty much Max is looking like an only child. **SIGH**

great expectations....

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with all the expectations I put upon myself and I feel like other put on me. No wonder I feel like crap-o all the time, I feel constant guilt because I can't physically or mentally keep up! I made a list of all the things I feel expected to do and whether or not I am meeting those, pretty much to show Benj because he didn't get it. Of course he thinks it is ridiculous. Just to name a few: Daily scriptures, personal prayer, family prayer, spouse prayer, visiting teaching, enrichment activities, attending all church meetings, food storage, attending temple (church stuff), at least dinner each night (should be all meals really), deep-ish clean once a week, daily sweep, counters, general clean up, vacuum if needed, keep yard up, get the mail and go thru it, dishes, pack Max's diaper bag at least twice, make bottles, do all feeding, Max meds, diaper changes, bathing, lotioning, put to sleep, clean up throw up & dirty diapers, teach Max (gospel, crawl, walk, books, etc), keep different stimuli going with him, work part time (there is a lot involved in that = STRESS), meet Benj's emotional & spiritual needs as a wife, keep him 'satisfied', visit & keep up relationships with both sides of family (& friends), keep myself fed and dressed and halfway clean, etc, etc, ETC. Let alone anything extra, like helping family, Dr. appointments, or going on a date. And no really, that is not all of them, I just can't think of them all. My hell, I can't take it sometimes. I really don't feel like any of these things are asking too much, just normal for a mom & wife & employee. I don't want to hear the 'welcome to motherhood' line, I KNOW that this is part of it, and maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe I wasn't ready for marriage. The whole "He won't give you anything you can't handle" idea sometimes just doesn't make any sense to me. I guess I'll go take an Ativan. Or two.

good one

Saw this tonight - freaking funny! Loved it!

clarification

Let's just get something straight. Regarding the Hannibal Post, the whole point was I thought it strange for the movie Hannibal to get me in the mood. Not about the no sex for 9 months thing. No more 'poor Benj' crap - it's not like he didn't get his rocks off for that long, it was just actual intercourse I'm talkin about. Geez.

things only women understand

• Cats’ facial expressions
• The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
• Fat clothes
• Throw pillows
• Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
• The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
• Cutting your bangs to make them grow
• Decorative towels
• Eyelash curlers
• The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
• How painting your toenails can make you happy

just to name a few.....

musings on the peri-bottle

Yeah, I pretty much think this is a bunch of shit. For those who may not know, this is the device they give you to 'cleanse' the place between hole #1 and hole #2 after you deliver a baby. Swollen, bloody, scab, stitches, blah. They tell you to use it each time you go to the bathroom and in the shower. One problem: gravity. Even if you fill this guy to the brim and give it a hefty squeeze, you aren't getting much water on the skin, let alone enough to clean it. No water pressure. Plus, try being a biggie and getting your hand and a bottle between your legs, down into the toilet bowl, & trying to aim without some kind of painful accident or hand-getting-wet fiasco. No-can-do. I get the point, keep 'er clean to avoid infection. My solution:

This one looks like a rattle snake, kind of creepy, but this is a much better option. For hell sakes. I made Benj go out and get one in fact. Use gently, of course. Baby wipe when you pee, use this sucker in the shower. No infection. No need for the stupid bottles. Max freaking uses it as a bath toy now.

love it

would you do anything different?

THIS is a moving story.... wow. (On the right hand side is "Preslee's Story)

go utes!

Max is ready for football to start!!!!

I owe you, mom

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because, I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there until all those peas are gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out"
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until your dad gets home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE . "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Thanks mom! Love ya!