Monday, March 10, 2014

The Bachelor - Finale & ATFR

Wow. Just wow.

You guys - what a train wreck.

Clare meets the familia while JPG dons the infamous pink shorts (thank you Sean), topped with a tight sweaty shirt. He says he really likes Clare. Hell, I like her too JPG. I think we ought to be past that by now, don't you? We see by his interaction with Camilla just how controlling he is: "Look at Clare, Camilla, say hi to her, come over here, drink this...." etc. Apparently JPG's brother has been let out of Venezuelan prison long enough for filming this episode, while his dad and Clare sit IN a bush and he holds her hands. This is awkward. Let me start the long list of huge RED FLAGS that JPG's own familia points out the the girls:

  1. He is hyperactive. Really she said "eeper-ative" and somehow the producers translated that to hyperactive. Being hyper can be a non-bad thing, but even his mom said it like it was a bad thing. 
  2. His mom says he is "very rude" and makes her cry.  (!!!)
  3. He walks out on problems. He needs someone who is willing to stay. 
I am not wording these - this is what was said. You can't make this shit up. 

JPG changes into purple shorts and another sweaty shirt for Nikki's meeting. And the list continues:

    4. He's not an easy guy
    5. He wants only what he wants. (The english word for this is SELFISH)
    6. You're sure about him?
    7. I'm pretty sure he's ready (said in a trembling spanish voice)
    8. A typical weekend with him will be this: he will wake up, want breakfast, and then watch TV all                   
    day. 
    9. How much fighting can you take?
    10. He walks away when things get hard. 

This is from his family, folks. At this point, we scan the live studio audience, who is stunned. Clare and Nikki are in too deep I think to even notice. This is sad. 

Clare and JPG hop into a helicopter for their final date, literally. All he can say is "aye aye aye, she is sexy, hot, cute, etc". Apparently he says something else, and Clare is pissed. This is like red flag #43 for her. He evidently said something to the effect of "I don't even know you" and then some very sexually explicit thing that no one will repeat. She calls him out on it, which I think sealed her fate. He doesn't want a woman who questions him or talks back. He somehow smooth talks his way back into her pants and things are fine. 

My brother, from the other room, who is semi-watching because he just had surgery and can't move and is waiting for me to flip to the BYU game on commercial breaks: "That girl is crazy. After this, I guarantee she will never have a normal date ever again. All a guy needs to do is google her. She's a wacko and it is all caught on tape now."

Sharleen said it perfectly when she said whatever she said (something about him being patronizing and non-specific). 

Nikki really just wants to know how he feels. And unfortunately she is STILL waiting to find out, literally, on the ATFR. Another red flag:
     
    11. Nikki: what will you do when you don't have a private island?
          JPG: hang out, watch TV

Ultimately Nikki leaves the date crying and feeling awkward and insecure. This is getting interesting. 

Now, again ABC has outdone itself with the Finale set. See here for what I thought about Sean's season finale set. But this, this tops that. No driftwood here. This was more like the show ran out of money because the ratings are so low this season, so they just sent everyone home but the camera guy and Chris Harrison, then paid a tribe of natives to clean up a garbage dump for the set. Old leaves, dead trees, weeds, a rickety gate, the garden tomb rock wall, what looks like kit-kat wrappers littering the ground. I shit you not, I'm pretty sure there was a yellow gardening glove left on set. 

I understand it might be a huge yellow dead leaf, which also has no business being there, but given the situation, it shouldn't be there. 

Clare gets off her orange blow up raft (budget cuts again, I assume), with crooked boobs, and trips her way in the sand to Chris Harrison who leads her through the awkward tribal gate and sends her up the sweaty walkway to meet her dream man. She goes on about how she believes in him, yada yada, and he says "I wish the earth would suck me in" which translates to "I hate you and this and don't want to be here" in English. He tells her he has to say goodbye, and leans in for a hug, to which Clare pushes him away, tells him he is a big idiot, not who she thought he was, and has no respect for him. I loved this part and I've said that exact thing to JPG many a Monday night. What is awkward, is that had he chose her, she would have said yes and I love you and been so happy.... soooo, there's that. As she is walking off, the class-act that JPG mumbles "glad I didn't pick her!"

Nikki pulls up in a slightly better raft and trudges through the jungle to meet JPG. The poor girl. I've always liked her, but I'm beginning to think she too is an idiot. He pretty much says that he has a ring in his pocket, but isn't going to use it. He also has a banana in his pocket, and that he WILL use. He tells her he likes her, a lot, and gives her a rose. LAME. 

After The Final Rose - I don't even know if I can sort through this. Chris is wading through so much awkwardness to try to host this and get it over with, I feel bad for him. Clare comes out and says the same thing she has already said before. She doesn't want to talk to JPG and get fed any more bullshit, and frankly, I'm glad. I am so tired of watching him argue and get defensive with everyone in his dumb spanish accent and repeat things. Nikki comes out and is asked multiple questions, none of which she really answers, and then JPG comes out and does the same. I hate to say this, but she already looks like a battered wife. Scared to answer anything, timid, submissive. No one really knows anything that has happened "after the final rose". He talked to the producers 2 weeks ago and plans "changed dramatically" - which, to me means they told him they would pay him more if he'd propose on the ATFR show. I heard that through the grapevine..... It is clear that he doesn't love her and doesn't want things public anymore. I just love Sean and Catherine. Sean looks like he is going to jump out of his tight gay suit any second and just beat the shit out of JPG. I wish he would. Seriously his veins are twitching. I just love it. Chris has been saying all night that JPG promised a surprise on this show, to which we all thought he was going to maybe propose, and that got real awkward real fast. JPG acted like he had no idea what Chris was talking about and they went to commercial break and Chris is seen walking quickly off stage.... haha, what a train wreck. 

Things didn't turn out the way anyone wanted and we are all sorta glad it's freaking over. 

I love Andi and I think she is adorable. She did, however, say "at the end of the day" at least 6 times in her 6 minute segment, which concerns me for the future of me and her. I hope JPG didn't ruin it for her by making everyone hate the show...... 

Peace out peeps - until May!
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Monday, March 3, 2014

Bachelor - Women Tell All + JPG's Insta

It was kind of nice to have a break from the horrible boring show this week and get some refreshing, sound opinions from people who know what the hell is going on. I am not going to say much, because the girls said it pretty well.

He is an idiot. He doesn't want to get married. He is hot, and there's not much past that. He won't let anyone talk, always talking over them. Eees OK. And he DOESN'T GET IT.  Like the drunkard says, he's lived in the US for 10+ years and learned some English in Venezuela - so quit blaming everything on a language barrier. Really. I think the only girl who really likes him still is Renee, and that isn't saying much because she is really really really nice and probably likes everyone. And she has a boyfriend now so she doesn't care.

I will say that dog-lover looks much better than she did on the show, however still weird looking.

Sharleen is really pretty and sophisticated and I like her more now than on the show. But she is still super awkward.

The Kermit & Miss Piggy bit was HORRIBLE. It was bad. Baaaaad. I almost threw up and diarrhea'd on myself watching it. Then I turned off the TV. Then I got curious and turned it back on. But it was bad.

I wish they would have announced the Bachelorette tonight - I thought they were going to. Chris sure set it up to announce it and didn't. And I love her ;)

That is all I have to say.

I follow JPG on Instagram (don't worry, the minute they air "After The Final Rose" he is getting un-followed). WHY DOES HE CAPITALIZE RANDOM WHOLE WORDS? WHY???? It drives me crazy, yet I still follow him.  Just look thru these and say them out loud to yourself they way he typed them, emphasis on the random word he capitalized. I bet you will be pissed off after you are done.








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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Bachelor: Hometowns and Overnights

I have two whole nights of a complete disaster to blog about - so here goes. 

Both nights he has countless lame/gay/ugly/dumb outfits on I can't even talk about it. And both nights he says soooooo many dumb things. I tried to write them down and document them but may have missed some. Please just know that I know, it was noted. 

HOMETOWNS:

Just the mere fact that he is doing M&M commercials should tell us all a little something about the ratings and success of this season. 

Nikki has TINY hips. Like wowzers. If he wants more kids, I'm not sure those are childbearing hips. I'm just saying. She decides she really wants him to be a cowboy (or to see if he can be a cowboy) or something, and takes him to get BBQ and ride a mechanical bull. Because that is what is important in a relationship, BBQ and bull riding. He is wearing a weird non-puffy puffy vest over a normal shirt. Evidently they don't have BBQ sauce in South America and JPG devours like 3 racks of ribs and then squirts remaining sauce on his fries. That should tell Nikki something. He meets her family, and her dad is refreshingly normal. He tells JPG pretty much he knows this is all just bullshit and not to propose unless he is 10000% sure and there is no way he can be with other girls there, soooo don't. She really wants to tell JPG she loves him and it got really awkward and she never did.

Andi is awesome and takes him shooting. This is very telling to me and should have been to her too. He comes in wearing a 3/4 sleeve pink shirt with a cutoff basketball gym shirt over it. 
Andi wants him to be uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable looking at that shirt and watching him awkward stand trying ask the guy at the range how to hold a gun. He seriously doesn't even hit the paper the targets are on, while she is capable of murdering someone, easily. They get to her home and her sister looks exactly like her, just a married version of her. Meaning a little more rundown, you know how that happens? Dad is NOT impressed with JPG or any of their stories or really anything. He does like the meat I noticed. I loved how they were telling the family all the "amazing places they have been" and the reaction when they said "Vietnam" was "Ooooh...." with raised eyebrows and awkward side glances. This whole family night was really awkward and poor Andi tries so hard to be positive and happy. She tells JPG that her parents have been married 30 years, to which JPG, the idiot, says to the parents "Oh, so how is it going?" What the hell are they supposed to say to that? "Eh, not that great."? Mom has really no questions but wants him to salsa dance with her, which was weird. Andi sums this up pretty well, admitting she is really not feeling anything "yet", she is still trying for a connection. Her dad sums it up better when he says "He can go home by himself."

Renee starts off her segment by saying "I'm literally going to eat my son". I love the word literally and use it often, but that may have gone too far Renee. Renee is looking more and more haggard as the show goes on, and she is also wearing a curtain today. They go to her sons baseball game and I just kept thinking "These 2 are too good for him. He is such a douche." They go home and Renee leaves JPG to talk to her fam while she goes up with her son to shower, brush teeth, read stories, etc. That was cute I thought. Her poor little boy was all awkward on camera, he was probably so confused/embarrassed. Renee's poor mother looks like a mushroom. Wearing tie dye. A tie dye wearing mushroom. Her mom did have a good one liner however - she said, in regards to Renee being "in love" with JPG, "we can love our pets" meaning you can love a lot of things, but you aren't in love often.

Clare's ice heart is melting, evidently. It is black, dirty ice, but it is melting. She takes him to the rose garden (ironic) and she tells a few cute stories about her dad. Fairly boring, these two. Just a lot of kissing and surprised eyebrows and top lip stuck on top of her teeth. I have been excited to see her family even since Nikki said she was excited for JPG to meet her family because "the crazy has to come from somewhere," And it does. It comes from Laura, to be exact. First of all, I don't know that I realized how old Clare was, meaning her 19 older sisters must be in thier 40-50's. It really threw me off, I was expecting a bunch of cute girls, and got a bunch of old maids. Not sure if Laura is dominant, over-dominant, Mexican, trying to be her father, or just plain bat shit crazy. She is walking around picking wedgies out of her butt, doing the "oh no you di-ent" black lady hand shake thing, interrupting, and talking for "mamma". Hovering in the trees, hovering in the shadow of the house. Weirdo. Evidently "mamma" doesn't speak, so at one point I thought maybe she was going to translate or seomthing. My hell.  **Disclaimer, I take back making fun of Clare being part Mexican. Clearly, after hearing mamma speak, she might be 1/4 or something** There is one little white lap dog here that has been getting a massage for a good solid 2 hours now. Lucky guy. One of the sisters is always holding it, rubbing it down. Anyway, mom finally talks and says to JPG (the only part I could understand) "You'll be very loved and welcome in our family." No. No JPG, you won't be. So good luck there. 

Clare = BOOBS at the ceremony. That is all I can see. And all I can hear is JPG saying "will you ass-ep dis rose?". This rose pretty much means he wants to have sex with them. So, there's that. Renee predictably goes home.

OVERNIGHTS:    Wow. Seriously.

JPG says at least 13 times "no cameras" or "complete privacy" during this episode. Think he wants to freaking hide something? Oh right, it is a *language barrier*....

Clare and JPG hop into a POS fishing boat and drive to a yacht to spend the day (such a contract to playing soccer in a poor village with little kids, but I digress...). They immediately start making out, do the obligatory Titanic scene at the boat front,  then jump in the water. I find it interesting they have 1-2 camera guys in the water waiting to get under 2 minutes of footage of thier dangling legs. Isn't that kind of a big setup deal for some lame footage? I guess it would be cool if a shark killed one of them. Or both. Anyway... Some lame JPG quotes: He is "ess-eye-ted to have some real quality time" as if nothing up until now has been quality. Then he says "We are going to get to know each other. A lot better." **Smirk**

By this time I think you all know I think JPG is a controlling chauvinist jerk off douche bag, and if you didn't, I do. As much as Clare bugs the hell out of me, I think she is smarter than him. Too good for him, I might even say. Do they ever really eat food on the show? They just got up to go to the sex suite and left their cute mini-burgers on skewers sitting there. JPG is wondering why on earth Clare would be thinking, and thinking a lot. Um, could be getting married/having sex in a minute, just let the girl think. Someone in the relationship has to.

I wish they'd leave a day between the overnighters. He literally probably pulled it outta Clare a few hours ago, aaaaaand here's Andi! They wonder around a market, in his lame tank top, 
I'm wondering if he got ahold of some pot in St Lucia, he looks stoned the whole last hour of the show.
see him interact with littles, play soccer in the dirt. Eat hell knows what. This is what I was saying, Clare wouldn't do that. She is too prissy I think. They drive to a really pretty waterfall (flashback to another one of their dates) and she again has a darling one piece suit on. She is not confident in this process or in him, at all. Amazingly, really, amazingly, JPG picked up on something, a real issue, and brought it up. She saying she "badly wanted to fall in love" bugged him and made her sound desperate and he wanted to clarify. After yesterday he told Clare to stop thinking so much, she now says to Andi "there's nothing wrong with thinking" He has himself set up in so many double binds. He then says to Andi, "If I decide I like Andi..." which was red flag #1 of about 50 that come later. JPG thinks the overnight date went fabulous. Had a great time.                   hehehehehe

Nikki, bless her heart, shows up looking like an Aztec threw up on her. She literally (see what I did there?) could have said "Oh, did someone order a Pocahontas stripper? Maybe I'm in the wrong place." and walked off. What the hell. And this girl is tiny, but it makes her not look tiny. Then JPG has on another gay tank top.

They saddle up and go horse riding, which was beautiful actually.
Just a couple of asses
JPG says a lot today to Nikki "You are thinking a lot." Binding his weird self into another bind. Nikki's night dress is cute. The predictable fantasy suite card comes - really meaning "put out or get out", and they skeedattle off. {As s side note, does anyone else think Chris Harrison's handwriting is super girly? I'm sure a producer wrote it and he signed it, but they ought to either have him write it or type it. Oooor, maybe he is just girly. Not that there is anything wrong with that....) I couldn't hear very well over the flock of birds mating or ripping a part a small animal outside, but I did catch "total privacy" "she's a good kisser, I can't wait for more" "she will get the real me" - like everything up until now has been fake. Nikki finally drops the L word.

Chris Harrison meets up with him to chat. Call it a language barrier, call it JPG is a dumbass, or whatever you want, but the convo went like this:

CH: How are you?
JPG Good.
*pause*
CH: Ok. What does that mean?
JPG: Yeah, I like these girls. 
*pause*
CH: You're an idiot. 

I threw in the last part, but you get what I mean. There is no depth to this guy. He has to watch the video messages, which was nice to see. He had to watch, not interrupt or touch their face/hair. Just listen. Andi's message said she was coming to talk to him, and then it started. 

To paraphrase Andi: This was a train wreck. *JPG interrupts* He thinks it is ok to just respond to everything with "besitos" and "it's ok". It is not serious to him at all. *JPG interrupts* He just wants to kiss and talk trivial things. *JPG touches hair and tucks it* I want to die if I hear "it's ok" again. He never asked anything about ME. He doesn't even know me. *JPG touches the bridge of her nose and outlines her eyebrows*
To paraphrase JPG: The word default isn't even in my language. It's ok. I may have said "you barely made it here" (like that is any better!!) It's ok. You are taking it the wrong way. It's ok. I've never used the word 'default". If you wanted me to ask questions about you you should have asked (asked him to ask questions?) When i say "it's ok" is is just natural. It's ok.

Yada yada. The short story of this is: He is a complete idiot. He has no idea what he is doing or what is going on. And it is not a language barrier. I love love love Andi even more now. I love that he went to touch her eyebrow and she pushed him away telling him not to mess up her makeup.She finally caught onto him, as did Sharleen, and it disgusted her. Good for her. I felt bad for her while they were talking, #1 he had NO CLUE what was going on, #2 he interrupted a lot and #3 he didn't get it and #4 he didn't get it, at all.

Now the true character of JPG comes out here after Andi left and they interviewd him. He says - If she would have just come and said she wasn't feeling it and wanted to leave, I'd be heartbroken. So sad. But she argued with me. And I didn't like that. That ruined her for me. Controlling much? (que "look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me" episode)

Everyone is sweat glazed at the ceremony, while JPG kind of skims the surface of why Andi left. Nikki is worried because they are BFF, Clare is just glad there is only 2 left now and she will be getting married soon. I love how she says "It will be telling about JPG as a person" referencing who he is going to pick, since her and Nikki are so different. That will come back to bite her. 

The bit for next weeks WTE episode.... Oh Chris, you make everything so dramatic. "The most controversial season of the Bachelor EVER" and "shocking finale". Come on. I've been bored out of my mind this season, only blogging it so you good folks don't have to watch it.

Phew.
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Monday, February 17, 2014

Bachelor week 7

My mom and I were cleaning of bits of chocolate cake from the grandkids before the show and the first scene is JPG with a big piece of what happens to look exactly like chocolate cake on his face. For a minute we thought it was on the screen, but nope, it was a crumb on his face. Classy, JPG. 

 Sharleen the OPRAH (as in Winfrey) singer gets the first one on one. Yep, JPG said Oprah instead of Opera, and that, folks, singlehandedly sums up why she left. Also, did anyone else notice she has freaking pliers in her cleavage???? 

So weird. But like Clare says, "(Sharleen) is an anomaly" and it is so true. I wish she had just come right out and said - "JPG is hot, but dumb as a rock and I am too good and smart for him".  Anyway, on to the date. Sharleen is looking for a cerebral connection that she isn't going to get. JPG doesn't even know what cerebral means.  He gets on the yacht and lays right down expecting to make out, because that is all he knows how to do. That and calm frazzled girls down (I'll get to that later). She is really searching, anywhere, for a brain connection, and this guy can hardly speak english still. The footage of this date establishes what we already know - they have a physical connection. And she is a weirdo. In fact, Chris Harrison recently said: “I find their relationship so intriguing. In New Zealand, she didn’t even say hello before he jumped on her and started making out with her. Even she was like, ‘What was that?’ It’s like, ‘I don’t know what to say to you, we have very little in common, so I’m just going to make out with you.’ " She goes straight home to talk to momma Renee for counsel about leaving, and this Oprah singer decides to leave - she is just too good for JPG. And I am kind of relieved for her. 

Nikki gets the second one on one - which pisses everyone off - and he decides to have her meet his family 2 weeks early. Did the other girls know this? Namely Clare?? Strange how Nikki is kind of the villain this season, and she isn't even mean. She's a pediatric nurse for hell sakes. The poor girl showed up in super short shorts and a super low cut shirt, which was unfortunate for a dance recital with the parents. They go to a flower store, and JPG picks out a cilantro and tulip mix for his precious Camilla. I picked cilantro off my Cafe Rio salad today, but the way. Holy shit this guy sweats a lot. 

Wow. I am a known sweater. I take medication for it about it. So I know a little something about it, so I'll go ahead and give him some advice. #1, don't wear a gray shirt that is 2 sizes too small #2, don't hike up 3,000 rows of bleachers when it is 100 degrees out and out are on a date (take the elevator).  Nikki drops the L word to him and then says "He hit a home run with this date". 

Oprah decides to leave and goes to tell him. Her pink high waisted shorts are giving me a pink wedgie I don't want to see. Why are they whispering? He is taking this so well I don't know if he understands she is leaving? I actually think he may have picked her in the end if she was still there. And the next girl I'd think he might pick ends up leaving too.... maybe that is why things don't work out for him this season. (BY THE WAY.... the whole naked text picture that got leaked out by the winner is freaking funny and ridiculous to me. He claims to be sooooo into being Mr. Good Dad, yet is sending out pics of his erect pepe? And then she tweets it! Hahaha, he is an idiot!)

GROUP: I am very distracted by sweet Andi's dress on this group date. And then the water shoes. She pulls him aside and starts crying, needs some affirmation, doesn't know what to think, etc. JPG is the damn Horse Whisperer and immediately calms her down. I am very interested to see what happens on the overnight dates that pisses her off so much! I bet he is  He is super controlling, clearly, and I wonder if that translates to overnighters with her, if you know what I mean. Anyway, Andi ends up with the all important rose and the others go home. Clare's CRAZY comes unleashed here get a little taste of the selfish bitch that is Clare. More to come later. Andi and JPG go to one of the worst places imaginable, a latino freaking karaoke bar thing. The man singing is black, singing spanish, sounding female. Fast forward to my favorite part of the evening. Clare starts bitching about not getting the rose and saying it is probably because Andi needs reassurance, all in her permanently surprised looking botox face, and it is just too much for Nikki to take. She gets up and leaves, and Clare decides she is not going to let Nikki keep being a bitch. The fight goes like this: Nikki tries to talk, Clare interrupts. Nikki tries to talk, Clare interrupts. Nikki tries to talk, Clare interrupts. Clare talks, Nikki tries to talk with her, Clare freaks out.  Clare talks, Nikki tries to talk with her, Clare freaks out. Clare talks, Nikki tries to talk with her, Clare freaks out. My take on this is that Clare is a complete crazy bitch, who peed on JPG first.  She needs to literally and figuratively shut her big teethy mouth. 

JPG has resorted to a Peanut M&M commercial. This is a fantastic article on why JPG has ruined the Bachelor.

Renee looks horrible this episode. I love her, bless her heart, but she looks like she was rode hard and put away wet. Aged 10 years. Not good. Chris didn't announce the final rose this rose ceremony and it really threw me off. As much as I bitch about it, I kind of had grew accustomed to it. He sends home Chelsie, obviously, and to solidify her character, Clare whispers "huge mistake, huge mistake" to the other girls, referring to Nikki. What a brat. Chelsie gives a classy exit, keeping positive, and JPG cries like a baby. Is it wrong I like to see him cry? If it is wrong, I don't want to be right. 

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Monday, February 10, 2014

The Bachelor - week 6

Aye Aye Aye. I was so bored this week, had I not had to blog about it I would have gone to bed an hour ago. My summary of the whole show is this: I am SO TIRED of watching him kiss. I feel like half the time he doesn't understand what the hell the girls are saying {bolt, cut to the chase, chivalry} or what is going on, so he just makes out. And tucks their hair behind their ears. He does that to every girl, it is so annoying. I hate my hair tucked when it is 'done' and I would be pissed. It's like a bad spanish soap opera (thanks Manda).

New Zealand is gorgeous and my hair would be fuzzier than a black lady's hair after it has been brushed. Of course, just like {San Deigo, Spain, LA, New York, Korea, Bora Bora, Scotland, Veitnam, Brazil, Canada, Sweden, Italy, Fiji, Hawaii, and the 900 other places they have been the last 19 seasons}, it is the perfect place to fall in love. Cassandra's ski pants distracted me all thru the first scene, but apparently Andi got the date. Then the 2 moms cried next to the fire, and again I'll tell you Renee needs to switch from being a Real Estate Agent to being a therapist. Andi and JPG get in a very large jet ski, where everyone is wearing life jackets but them, and go 3000 mph, put booties on and hike thru the narrows (which were called "the Squeeze" and I thought for sure he said "The Queef"). I'm so sick of his accent. The camera men seemed to fit fine in the narrows because they followed them the whole way to the hot waterfall where of course they just made out. I think JPG has trust issues, he is always talking about the girls just trusting him, and if they would just trust him and "look at me". Man was it refreshing to see a one piece swimsuit and she is darling. Then ABC puts the dinner table too close to the active exploding geyser and it ruined dinner and they couldn't really talk so they walked to a bridge and made out, surprise surprise. He wore a silk gay scarf, and I felt like there was no content here, just kissing and bland talk {yada yada, I want a family, me too, I have a daughter, blah}.

Cassandra calls him just 'Juan' and somehow it makes me more uncomfortable than full on saying Juan Pablo. She is young and you can tell. 22 to be exact. She repeats things a lot (remember the whole "I haven't been on a date since I was like 18" she said 3 thousand times on their one on one?). The ball thing looked really fun actually. The entrance and exit were quite awkward however. They literally looked like they were being birthed when they came out. Wet, cervix, plop, screaming, etc. They go to Hobbitville for their night part and I can't think of anything worse. I hate the hobbit and Harry Potter and all things like that. Sharleen is "geeking" out and that comment out of her mouth solidifies that I can't stand her and I am happy she leaves (whoops, they made it look like it happened this week and it isn't until next week!). Renee's eyelashes are bordering on too clumpy and she didn't need to carry the hobbit lamp around, there is a lit camera following you for hell sakes. ***EVERYONE!! It is Cassandra's 22nd BIRTHDAY!!! AND SHE WOULD LOVE A ROSE!! IT WOULD BE, LIKE, THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER!*** I told you she repeats things.... Anyway, instead of a rose she gets immediately sent home. Evidently the producers told him to watch the limo until you can't see the taillights anymore, even tho it is a torrential downpour, and then sadly walk around the Hobbitvillie grounds sulking for 20 minutes before you go in and tell the girls, because that is what he did.

Clare's facial expressions bug me, and she talks in fragmented phrases. I can tell this because I was so bored I started picking out things. They pass over the beautiful lush green grass and find the rockiest place they can next to a river to lay down and kiss. She still has some PTSD from her days in 'nam, and kind of demands an apology, and he gave her one kind of, and that was really it. I like that they got in sweats at night. Also, if he he has never done anything - not even hold hands - in front of Camilla with a girlfriend, that little girl is in for a show when she watches the season. I call bullshit on that.

It sucks if you have a bad headshot for the little table that the Bachelor/ette contemplates before each rose ceremony. Kat tells some bullshit story about how she isn't aggressive with guys {Um, isn't she the one who had JPG's head in her crotch for like 2 hours and thought for sure she was a pro dancer in Korea??}. Renee is wearing pants and a leather jacket, and Sharleen is wearing a full on opera costume. It looks weird, i wonder if one of them didn't get the memo of what to wear tonight. One of the most exciting things about this whole episode was how the camera showed Renee with a rose before the ceremony started. I got confused/excited for a second. Must have been an editing thing, because they showed her again with no rose before he started calling names. The next best thing was the sheep shit fight they got in. I wish they had shown all of that, that was freaking funny. Kind of a good parallel to the show this year, just a bunch of shit.

This episode was full of the same things every other episode ever of the Bacherlor/ette has ever said.

  • This was the perfect day
  • This is the prefect place to fall in love
  • I'm taking a chance
  • For the right reasons
  • I'm doing this for Camilla
  • The most dramatic rose ceremony yet
  • I have trouble opening up
  • I don't like to feel vulnerable
  • This was the best day of my life
  • He is the perfect guy/girl
  • It is really starting to get serious
  • I want to find love
As much as Sharleen bugs me I do like that she is not buying the idiot that JPG is and claims he is not. And another girl does too, later (spoiler!). I think it is a record for how many girls eliminate themselves. I think he just really wants to be on DWTS.
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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Bachelor - week 5

Preface: I have been sick all day, taught FHE to my extended family tonight and cried the whole time, missed the show, stayed up late to watch, Max woke up with horrific growing pains and cried so hard he threw up all over my bed, been doing baths, laundry, etc for an hour now, aaaaand so I'm a little out of sorts.

JPG rides into 'nam on a fishing boat like Leonardo DiCaprio on the front of the Titanic. I thought for sure a croc or a bitter war vet was going to jump out of the murky waters and kill him.

Ok, ok, some of Vietnam is pretty.

Renee
What the hell does it mean that JPG makes her hands hurt? She acts like its a good thing, like butterflies. I'm guessing maybe arthritis? Weird. They literally walk around sweating like hogs for their date. His shirt was wet about it. The custom dress stunt was kind of cool actually, very personal, and a good keepsake. However, the "this is the perfect setting to fall in love" comment wasn't. You are in a sweatshop that makes dresses in 'nam, sweetie. Not ideal. I did like that he bought her a fan. A nice way to ease the awkwardness of your date dripping like a fat man doing zumba. Benj has also bought me fans, but in more of a "quit bitching" kind of way. Renee is almost too mature for this whole show. He needs to take her on an adventurous or slutty date and see how it goes then. Also, she has been talking about their first kiss now for a solid 5 weeks, every time she gets camera time, so I sure as hell hope it happens. Again, they are talking at dinner, he notices her sweating, and MID-BITE blows in her FACE. TWICE. Wow. I don't know if that is cute or nice or gross or just really annoying. He says her eyes "hemnatise" me, but he still won't kiss her because he is worried what her son at home will think. Which is clearly an excuse, he kissed Cassandra, and pretty much everyone else...

Group
We pretty much go from a scene of him telling Renee he can't kiss her *respect, example, yada yada* to him almost immediately putting Claire in a dish and rowing her out to the jungle to pin her down and make out. Anyone else see a problem here?? What a prick. This whole thing was pretty much just catty bitching about how they all felt like it was a one on one with Claire. Which would be annoying, but, I kind of don't blame her. She maximizes her time. I often wonder what the producers tell the girls to wear. Clearly today they were told to wear a flowy tank top, cut off jean shorts as close to your crotch as you can without showing your vagina, and tennis shoes. Chelsie looks like a hillbilly. Andi is getting flusterd, rightly so, and tries to talk to him. Holy hell JPG could calm a tsunami if we gave him the chance to talk to it. For the night part, JPG choses to wear capris, a pink shirt, and flip flops. Just sayin. Another d-bag move to #1 grab Claire first, and #2 full on take her back to your house and get in the pool about it. That must have taken a while - and did NO ONE notice her hair wet when they came back?? Sharlene has a pretty back, and she shows it a lot. She mumbles something about an organic panda not showing her cards, then he just starts making out with her because he doesn't know what the hell she is talking about. And neither do we. Claire just *cannot* have this perfect night end, so, now that she conveniently knows where he is staying, she goes and gets him to have sex swim in the ocean. I thought this was actually kind of fun and romantic and dangerous and liked it. I'm pretty sure they rounded 3rd base, at least, out there.

Nikki
This girl has chicken legs, bad. I would have told JPG to go to hell, pun intended, if I were her. The crew of non-speaking (any language) Vietnamese guys manning the ropes at the top looked like they knew exactly what was going on.... for sure... I kind of pride myself on Nikki being a lot like me, personality wise, so I was super disappointed when she blurted out the whole "Repelling is like falling in love" comment, that we've heard 19 times over the past 19 seasons. Also, cliff diving, bungee jumping, rock climbing, etc, those are all like falling in love too. Mmmmmmhmmm. Well they make it to the bottom of hell, which was covered in a ton of creepy statues. An overweight squid eating a mermaid, a dead octopus, what looked like mannequins from Nordstrom, etc. {{{They just showed a commercial for an IHOP gift card and KY His & Hers Jelly for a "special" date night. Holy hell. }}} She obviously gets a rose after they chat at dinner in his BRIGHT yellow shirt and things are good.

I've noticed, especially this episode, JPG is either all over someone, making out, neck, touchy, rubbing, humping in the ocean (Claire, Andi, Sharlene) or he is very mature-like talking about being a dad, life, etc (Renee, Nikki, Cassandra). I smell something and it rhymes with smoushbag.

Ceremony
Renee starts off her camera time yapping still about kissing him, and thank goodness he finally did. Oh, because she talked to her son about the show and he knows, it is ok now. Whatever. He starts feeling guilty for the romp in the ocean last night, rightly so, and calls Claire out on it. She immediately loses control and is hysterical with allergies the rest of the night. He said the phrase "look at me" literally 300 times in the 2 Claire segments. I counted. My hell girl, just look at him. I thoroughly enjoyed that some of these girls aren't so gorgeous with all their makeup sweated off. It must be freaking hot and miserable there. He sends the predictable 3 home, and for some reason Sharlene completely loses her mind and is crying like crazy after they walk off. She is a strange one.

I kind of feel like I have PTSD now.




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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Bachelor - week 4

Well the Sunday night Sean & Catherine wedding show was full of more to talk about than this episode. Let me just say this: There was absolutely NO NEED for that segment to be 2 hours. It could have been easily summed up in 30 minutes. But no, ABC decided to fill an hour with them talking about awkward sex, lingerie, and wether or not they "are ready to get married". Good hell, I hope they are, it's too late now. My mom literally got up and walked out when Sean was shopping for lingerie. Sean donned is famous gay pink shorts and they road-tripped from CA to TX - and please don't tell me they didn't slip up during a week alone on the road. I know it's a cute idea and all, to save yourself, but I'm 101% sure they didn't "save themselves".  Hell I drove to St. George with Benj in high school and we screwed around (not all the way, but you get what I'm saying). Come on. The term Catherine, bless her Filipino heart, made up of "grown sexy" was absolutely stupid. It doesn't make sense, and even if it did, her wedding decor certainly didn't reflect it. It was more "fluffy pale rose" or "drab and tooooooooo long" if I were to use words. It was clear she just wanted to jump his bones, and that is all she could think about. Sheesh, she even said she wanted people to think about going home and conceiving that night after being at the wedding. WHY on EARTH was there a "honeymoon suite cam"????? Really what purpose does that serve??? I wish they had spent more time interviewing Bachelor people that were there (Arie, Jef, JP & Ash, etc). I actually really like Sean and Catherine, I think they are cute, and I teared up a little with their vows. I was anti-Catherine until like the second to last episode, but now I think she is darling. But WHY the camera in there? I'd be nervous all night ABC still had it running somehow and were going to blackmail me later.

The show tonight started with Camilla saying she has a wedgie, JP proceeding to pick it for her, and then we flew to what I feel like is one of the 2 armpits of the world. I thought we were at freaking war with Korea... apparently it is NK we don't like, but it is all the same to me. Anyway, they yap about how beautiful it is, while the camera spans a street packed with buildings, people, dirty uuky stuff, neon signs, prostitutes, and slabs of raw meat. Not my idea of beautiful.

Group Date:
Evidently JP was saying k-pop, and I thought he was saying "gay-pop" for a good 10 minutes. I'm thinking Beiber, N'Sync, Boyz2Men, etc. My mom thought he was talking about cereal. When I said I thought the 5K glowstick date in Utah was worst ever - that wasn't a challenge for JP to come up with something worse - but he did. A k-pop (what IS that???) concert, in South Korea, where the girls back up dance for an unknown techno-ish girl band at a mall. I sat there with my mouth open the whole time, not even knowing what to say.


Neon 80's Zumba clothes, is I guess what I could say. One of the band members had on some sort of horse harness bondage thing, and the other had huge stars on the sweater on her boobs. JP had tight red skinny jeans on. Not 10 minutes earlier, my family was talking about how NO guy, hot, gay, straight, whatever, looks good in red skinny jeans. I just couldn't even focus. It was very visually disturbing, all around. I don't know how in the world that situation can help him decide who he wants to marry. Kat seems to continue rapidly climbing the annoying scale, thinking she is FOR SURE the most amazing dancer ever to walk into that mall in South Korea. Nikki brings up a good point - maybe she should stay there and be their backup dancer. After all, she REALLY liked it. Kat even muttered "everyone is watching me!" at one point in her little boastful schpeal, and I giggled. I kept thinking I really wish he would have brought Sharleen on this date. Drama would have happened I think. I bet she would refuse, leave, or look really awkward, which would have been good entertainment. For the night part, they go to some sort of outdoor garden thing, the sign in front said "Furniture Museum"????? and Nikki actually starts a bit of unnecessary drama. While describing Kat she shook her boobs and said "who wants some guacamole!!" and I have no idea what that means but it is freaking funny. Really Nikki was just pointing out the obvious, that Kat is annoying, especially when it comes to dancing. Tall girl dancer was a dancer too and never said a word about it. I bet I would be painted as the biggest bitch if I were there. Just me being so blunt and not taking shit, then for sure the producers would flip it and edit it to make it worse, like they did here. There has been talk about awkward kissing the last few weeks. I think I have pinpointed it. It is him. He prematurely sticks his tongue out, before lips touch. (I will insert here that it is extra awkward with Sharleen because she also does that, so America sees a whole lotta tongue we didn't want to see.) I'd be fine if tongue wasn't a part of a kiss in the first place, just in general, but I for sure don't want to see it.

Let me deviate for a moment here if I may, and talk about Clare and her face.

I will preface with: I like her a lot. I think she is really super cute and pretty and nice. I would be very possessive if I were in her position too. However.... Her eyebrows are an inch too arched, making her look chronically surprised. Aaaand her poor mouth gets stuck in this awful half opened state, making her look like she is about ready to "swallow something big" - as dog girl so eloquently put it. Or like she was smiling, but forgot. Anyway. 

Sharleen
He must see something here that literally NO ONE ELSE IS SEEING. Her social skills are level awkward. JP even went as far as to say "She's my favorite right now" - wow. She somehow thought it was ok to dress in high-waisted shorts (could be ok) with black nylons underneath (NOT ok) for this date. She also painted on her Korean eyebrows, just for the occasion. Their date is filled with awkward street strolling, sitting in a weird sacrificial building in their socks, and a lot of me trying to figure her out. For dinner she puts on her best opera dress, while he wears a deep v-neck sweater and jeans. To raise the level of awkward, he makes her stand in the middle of a courtyard and sing opera, and even more awkward, he stops her after like 2 seconds. More gross kissing. I was crossing my fingers that him asking about kids would send her home, clearly she doesn't want them and she would be a super weirdo step-mom, but nope. To quote - JP: "how many kids do you want" - she avoids question for 10 minutes - JP: "so really, how many kids?" Shar: "me?" No, the other girl standing behind you - you big idiot. Of course he's talking to you. I just want her to go home. 

Group Date
Seriously I wrote down like 2 things for this, because the first part of the date - dog girl walks out in this

and I was so distracted the rest of the time. You know how I love onsies, but with those boots making her a foot taller than the other girls, and 3 feet taller than the Koreans, and her ugly face, I just couldn't let it slide. Anyway, they find a sweaty, horribly wallpapered 6x6 room on the 18th floor of a building to do some Korean karaoke in (sounds so fun!!.......), go in some duck shaped paddle boats, and then do the fish pedicure. Eh. A tiny bit of drama happens that night when JP makes it a point to say he isn't kissing anyone else because of his daughter. Good concept = too late. Now it is just awkward for the girls who have 1. already kissed you and now you don't want to, and 2. for poor Lauren, who I think may have been a touch drunk, and tried to kiss him, he gives a BS excuse and turns right around to kiss Clare. Which was pretty ballsy and actually quite a bullshit move of him to  after all that. If you say you are going to do it JP, do it. Don't do the "I love my daughter, I am a dad, have to be an example, BUT her lips were so nice, her teeth, mmmm, I just couldn't help myself..." yada yada. Come on.


Ceremony
It is at some palace. The girls are gawking at how gorgeous it it when my mom mutters in the background "it's not beautiful, it makes me sick. I hate it." Agreed mom. ABC has the set decorated with huge drums all around, not really clear on why. I was hoping they might use them for some sort of going away party for the girls leaving. Sharleen, oh Sharleen. She comes out in this pale yellow jumpsuit with gray cheetah print. Maybe she didn't care because she already had a rose. Maybe I'm way off. Holy shit. And whoever had on the neon yellow dress was bad too. BUT by far the worst, was Elise and her green pageant dress, boobs hanging out, and glitter shorts on underneath. To make matters worse, as she stumbled down the rock path of misery to the awaiting limo, she held the dress so that we could see the lining and the full short. Gag. Glad she went home. For a fun little side story on her..... check here. I think the blackish girl who never talks needs to go too. 

I was pretty bored with this episode. 

I honestly couldn't think of any place worse than South Korea to go, except maybe Boliva. Again, JP thought that was a challenge and surprised me with Vietnam. Good ole' NAM. It is such a great, romantic place that like 80% of the soldiers who were there in the war have now committed suicide. Should be fun. 

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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor - episode 3


This is prob going to be a short post - it wasn't full of dog porn and drunken crazies like last time...

It starts off with Chris coming in in wearing this little getup - making me question why I am watching:


Cassandra gets the one-on-one, and true to her emotionless-zero-personality self, she seems ecstatic......  As kind of a side note - there is a lot of talk this week about kids. The phrase "single mom" was said minimum 4 times and I stopped counting. We get it. JP has a kid and he loves her and stuff. A lot. 2 of the girls have kids (and probably more of them) and yada yada. Got it. Before the Cassandra date, JP is force feeding his little girl el pollo while he and his parents have a picnic on the beach. Pretty sure his dad had garment tops on under his open button up.

Cassandra date:
She gets out of the car in a red onsie. Yep, I just said that. I don't give a shit who you are, onsies are for babies 24 months and under. Period. {{Please ignore the fact I wore a one-piece flesh colored onsie jumpsuit for Drill Team in High School. We were cool tho, so that is different.}} They get into a jeep that is painted like the Mexican on the movie Planes:


and, to be honest, I was semi annoyed. I'm thinking to myself there is NO NEED to get in an obnoxious Mexican jeep like that.                   Aaaaand, just kidding, they just drove it into the lake. It actually is pretty cool. Jeep turned jet ski. Cassandra is her awkward self and just squealing, looking at him awkwardly, not knowing what to say, dressed like an idiot. Thus far (haven't gotten onto the yacht yet) she has said "This is my first date in 3 years" x4. Scratch that, now it is x5. Got it, sweetie. It's been awhile. He takes her home to his pad and they cook dinner, which I think is cute. Again, she has awkward pants on. He can tell she is weird - he calls it shy - but whatever, and his idea to loosen her up is to salsa dance. Um, JP, **unless she is Mormon** the best say to loosen someone up is to get em drunk, not salsa dance. K? She is again carrying around actual photographs of her baby. Can you even get those printed these days? And she has no purse, is she literally just carrying them? Baby daddy is black. Just pointing that out.  To me this date was a lot of "This is my first date in 3 years", ugly clothes, and one too many uncomfortable pauses. I'm not in love with her, but she gets a rose.

Group date:
Reason # 44335645 I'd be a shitty contestant on the show, I hate soccer and being sweaty. Bat girl - I don't even know her name. Oh, I guess she is dog girl too, so dog-bat-looking girl: please go away. You aren't cute, you aren't nice, and again, you aren't cute. I wish she would shut her yapper. And also break her nose and leg. 

Do you think Miss Free Spirit shaves? I just saw armpit and wondered. Maybe it was JP's pit. Red team kicks ass and they are on to the night part of the date, where the girls are more comfortable in their skanky dresses and lots of makeup. I like Nikki. I REALLY need her to get some dark low-lights, preferably before next weeks show. But I like how she wants to learn about him. All the other girls wait for him to ask questions, but she is aggressive and asks him. Andi got a little hanky panky in the kitchen, and I wish ABC had spared me watching her straddle the counter and come 1/2 inch away from seeing her blurred va-jay-jay. They make out and she is SURE she is getting the rose. Charlene. This chick confuses me. Starting with her ethnicity. But she seems different, and old soul? A friend text me about her, and I quote: "Charlene. Gag. Can't. Stand. Hate. Puke. Worst. Kisser. Those are all words you can use in your blog about her." Hahaha, so some of you don't like her, some do I guess. JP seems to really like her. Free spirit girl - I think her hair was wet at the end of that date, and there was no swimming. Take what you will from that. 

The one-on-one was between Chelsie and Elise. Elise (age 27) was 300000% positive it was her. Confidence was shining beams out her face.  Chelsie got the date {FUNNY} and then Elise continued the rest of the show to bitch about it and how "young" Chelsie (age 24) is and how she isn't ready to be a mother, etc, etc. 

Chelsie:
Still undecided on her. She seems a little playful and I haven't seen a real serious side yet. She does look a lot like a friend of mine Bridgette (Let it be known I think my Bridgette is gorgeous and cuter than Chelsie **and single**  ;) cheeks? smile? )

The "car dance" to Mexican music - reason #44565 I'd be a bad candidate (I'd tell him to turn that shit down immediately and pull over for a DP with extra ice so I can pop an Ativan on my way to an air-conditioned airport). He takes her to try Venezuelan food, and after she takes care of the violent diarrhea I'm sure she got, they head to jump off a bridge. We shall back up here and take a gander at his shirt that is WAY TOO SHORT and pause for a moment and soak in the awkwardness. It is almost a belly shirt. 




We jump back to the mansion where Elise is still whining about Chelsie getting the date and how young she is and how she isn't ready to be a mother.

I hate to break it to these 2, but if the rope breaks, that dinky helmet will then be wearing YOU for protection. She gets super freaked out about jumping. He is like the calm whisperer, my hell. He can calm anything down. Side note - NO ONE looks good in an ass harness. I've worn one once on a date and I pray I'll never have to again. We did end up married, so I guess my date didn't think it was that bad. She decides it wasn't the diarrhea that was making her sick and choses to jump. They jump and he immediately kisses her, which I thought was kind of a strange time. Just because it will be cool to tell someone about later "I kissed a girl upside down hanging from a bungee on a first date 10 seconds after we jumped" doesn't mean you should. He seems to be trying to talk serious-ish at dinner and she has a lot of funny, light-hearted-dumb remarks but nothin real solid. He gives her the rose anyway. They then get a private concert from Billy Currington and he isn't looking so great. His back up guy has also seen better days.

It was awkward half-fast half-slow country music to dance to -  but they improvise.

Last day:
JP sneaks in early morning to cook breakfast for the girls. *Cute* He's looking to see them in their "natural" habitat - LOL. The first one down is bat-dog girl, who literally covers her face and runs. What a loser. Seriously rude. And vain. That food looks good, and I love how JP says "pee-yam-as" for pajamas. They decide to have a pool party instead of cocktail, and they all dawn their swimsuits. Then, the producers thought it would be a great idea to scan the boobs of all 15 girls, close up, while they rub themselves up with lotion. Classy.
Again, i'm confused with Charlene. I just can't tell if she is just super classy and not reality TV material, or if she is a bitch, or asian?? or what. I like Clare. Reason #43 i'm a bad candidate = if i let my hair air dry after the pool I'd look like this. Older, of course, but the hair part. And the expression on her face part. Not to mention makeup.
Renee again takes on the mom role as Clare has a minor breakdown. I think she is a dark horse. By the way, that bathroom is a MESS. With 15 (or whatever) girls and I'm sure a maid or two, can we not get things picked up?? I'm working on that with my 4 year old son for hell sakes! Man, I bet JP, and all the Bachelor's in history, and men in general I guess if we wanna take it that far, are so tired of crying and whining and bitching. Wowza. 

Rose Ceremony:
Charlene is wearing an origami dress and I do not likey. The black girl with the frizzy hair and neon flower in her hair - I don't even know her name - but come on - really??? I felt like I was looking at my 2nd grade yearbook. Elise, the pageant girl, has donned a red sequin pageant dress and is ready for action. What's that? - free spirit has her hair semi-done? And a dress on? Huh. Too little too late. You all know how I feel about bat-dog girl having her dumb dog there (see last post), but he DOES NOT NEED TO BE WITH YOU AT THE CEREMONY ON A LEASH AND WALK UP WITH YOU TO GET THE ROSE. REALLY. REALLY???? Man she annoys me. ABC apparently thinks it is still necessary for Chris to come out and announce the last rose, like no one can see it. Free spirit goes - great. Christy (never noticed her, other than bad makeup) goes. She is wearing sequin shorts and walks out to interview and says she thinks her time was botched because she wasn't very outgoing. No, honey, I'll give you 3 reasons other than that. #1, you cannot do makeup. This is actually a really good picture of you and it's still not good. Please stop using white eyeliner, it makes you look like a frightened deer. Nude. Nude is in. 

#2, You wore a wedding dress and a head piece on the first night. Enough said. #3 You sealed the deal when you somehow decided to put on sequin shorts for the rose ceremony.

Misc:
I call bullshit on Sean and Catherine not having had sex yet. Big. Fat. B.S. I'm excited to go to Asia and see if we can do some genealogy and find out Charlene's roots. I call for a one-on-one to the Family History Library!


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Monday, January 13, 2014

Bachelor episode 2

Clare: First of all, Clare, you aren't part Mexican. I don't know who told you that but I can easily look at your and your family and see - nope - no latinos there. Please quit saying it. She is one of my favs tho. JP pulls up in his batmobile to pick her up. He actually comes inside the house to get her so we get to see Cassandra with her lame cat shirt on again (see previous post). **Side note, I thought the girl with the dog was pulling a "hey, here is something to remember me by" stunt by bringing the dog on the first night. No, no, it is actually in the mansion with them, has it's own bed, the whole 9 yards. I hate that. Really bad** I thought it was strange and awkward how all the girls followed the two of them to the car, but really cute that he blindfolded her (which was semi-unfortunate because it screwed up her hair). At this point I am very distracted by her sheepskin coat lapels. He whisks her to the winter wonderland and she happened to find some snow boots, and they play like kids. It actually looks way fun, I'd like that I think. They jump back to the mansion to interview some girls and what do you know - Lucy is standing there naked - and everyone acts like it is normal. Of course no Bachelor scene is complete without a hot tub scene, so they have a portable one there and Clare cannot keep her hands off him. I can't even pay attention because of her rubbing his back, his thigh, his face. She of course gets a rose, which he has to trek thru snowbanks to get. Couldn't they have put it on a pedestal next to the tub?? Now Clare dons some kind of another weird collar, a furry one, maybe a dead rabbit? and they are lead away thru the fake forrest to find an incredibly hairy Sasquatch man singing for them. I think it is weird that auto-correct just auto-corrected Sasquatch and capitalized it. They sway and rub and make out and she says something about how she knows her dad is watching. I kind of hope not, I was pretty risqué but I wouldn't be bumpin and grindin like that in front of Chief Ekins. I like Clare, and this was just the "tip of the iceberg". 

Kat: She is pretty fun and bubbly. She has a weird shaped face, almost like her chin is so skinny it disappears. She is pretty though. They drive to an airport and she is dreaming big - New York, Miami. JP comes out wearing a modern Richard Simmons sweatsuit that lights up. Re-read that sentence. I never thought I'd ever have to type that. Wow. Anyway, and hands her some neon 80's workout clothes. At this point, if I were her, I'd tell him to take me home. Well, her dreams didn't come true and she ended up in none other than our very own Salt Lake City, actually in Lehi at Thanksgiving Point (how did I miss that??!). The "date" is them running a *?#@?": 5K glow in the dark rave bullshit thing. Wow. Next to this date with Selma and Sean, it might be the worst ever. {{IF you go to that link, mind you, let us just have a word about Sean's pink shorts. Whatever, we remember them from his season, and you can clearly tell what my feelings are about them. BUT did anyone else notice HE HAS THEM ON AGAIN when he and Catherine visit JP and have their feet in the pool??!?! Catherine needs to reign that in ASAP}} One thing I noticed on this "date" was that both her and Clare said they needed to use self control and restraint around him to keep from jumping him. I understand he is cute girls, but get ahold of yourself. JP said the word "spontaneous" and pronounced it sponta-knee-us. Keep working on it buddy. Soo, they pretty much ran and ran and danced and possibly did some drugs and then he gave her a rose. I don't even think they talked. Kinda weird. 

Group date: I hate to even waste time talking about Lucy, but I will say this. She likes to hold hands with the other girls and run around. Then she randomly flashed the camera. Benj happened to walk by during that and muttered something under his breath about how bad he hates the Bachelor. So they are doing a photo shoot with dogs. A guy comes in with a BLUE beard and says who knows what because I was staring at his dumb beard. One of the girls says "there was a lot of sex and pooping" and I'm glad Benj didn't walk by then because he would have been pissed off. They have to dress up like the dog they are assigned and it is all "in the name of charity". The dog lover girl gets put in a flesh colored jumpsuit (reminds me of my high school days) and gets painted like a bald alien dog. 2 girls get assigned to do a naked shoot, which I think is BS of JP to even ask of them. Elise pawns hers off, smartly, to Lucy, who is practically begging to be naked, and poor Andi is upset. Blue beard tells them it is ok to be uncomfortable because it "isn't about you, it is about a good cause". Bullshit. You could tell a girl, "hey, sleep with me, it is for a good cause" or "go kill that little kid, it is for charity" and that doesn't make it ok, or comfortable. I kind of wish Andi would have told him no. She tells JP "I'm the only one who brought a one piece" which I kind of love about her. He calms her and she decides to do it. Random camera change to Lucy, outside walking a dog, butt naked, down the street. Whatever, wants attention, crazy weirdo, but really, isn't that illegal?? Back to the shoot, they are doing the naked one and Andi is sitting with her leg up (hello va-jay-jay!) and Lucy is all open and JP there with just a sign over his genitals, and guess who walks by again? Benj. Makes me pause it and yaps at me about watching weird dog porn and how trashy and stupid this show is, yada yada. Unpause. Night portion of the date gets crazy, and cold apparently, because they are all wearing blankets. Victoria is clearly completely wasted and twerking by herself in the pool. Some of my favorite quotes she mumbled before her breakdown: "Juan Pablo is my boyfriend. If he was my boyfriend (huh?) I'd straddle that every day. That is what life is about, straddling people." and "I gave him the hymen maneuver today, he owes me". I assume she means the pretend heimlich maneuver she did at the photo shoot? She likes her hymen, that is for sure. And one more "who's leg do I have to hump around here?". She then has a complete breakdown. She went from twerking in the pool to hysteria in the bathroom in about 2 minutes - all because she hadn't had her one on one time. Mama Renee tries to help and calm her (as did nurse Nikki) but to no avail. She tries to leave the building and the crew won't let her go cause she is so out of control. Someone tells JP, who comes to try and talk to her, and she is a complete BITCH and ignores him. Apparently she was then hauled to a hotel to de-freaking-tox. JP was cute with the girls about it and pretty much said he felt sorry for her. He gives the rose to the dog lover, who I have now pinpointed, looks exactly like a cartoon bat. I think she is annoying and not cute and needs to leave. And take her dog. Her response to the crew about getting the rose was "I don't have to pack my bags! That is a lot of stuff. I can just sleep in!"

Victoria: He finds her in a hotel the next day, like a pimp finds a whore, and she acts like a 13 year old little shit girl. She says "I guess I should apologize" about the "bathroom issue". I use the term "bathroom issue" when my tampon leaked or when I have diarrhea, not when I have a crazy breakdown. I have other words for that ;) I feel bad for JP, like he is dealing with his 6 year old, explaining why it is wrong, why she has to go home, etc. I am so glad he sent her home right then. Classy. 

Rose ceremony: The reporter Amy in the green dress awkwardly smiles all the time, and, well, it is awkward. Who is in the long sleeved gold dress? She looks like the Golden Globe Trophy. I think it is the half blackie girl with her hair straightened. Her hair looks much better straight. Poor Cassandra brings pictures of her son to the ceremony, for an unknown reason, and cries over them. I'm not saying she doesn't miss her son, I'm just saying, don't bring something that will make you emotional or sad to an event like that probably. It's like bringing a picture of the person who murdered your mom to her funeral. Kind of. Anyway, so she has a mild breakdown and again mama Renee is right by her side and talking her thru it. JP gets there and calms her also. He really is very comforting. He is good at empathy. In the meantime, however, I think her right nipple is showing. I am good with the girls who left and feel satisfied. 

Misc: 
  • Lucy. Needs. To. Go. 
  • The girls all seem to be pretty friendly with each other. Talking, hugging, etc. 
  • I really like Nikki but I think she might be better with darker hair. Her hair is so blonde and her brows so big and dark, it freaks me out. 
  • I feel like JP puts out a lot of the drama on the show, making it hard to blog. They clearly have the normal producers back again this year so I can't make fun of budget cuts. It is just too normal to have any good material thus far. Sorry folks. Here's to more alcohol, crying, nakedness, and craziness next week. 


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Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Bachelor - episode 1

First of all, every time I hear the name "Juan Pablo" I want to throw up {enchiladas} in my mouth.  I hate his name - can he not just pick Juan or Pablo - or GARY or BILL - or something normal? He is cute,  I'll give him that. At least they didn't chose another Ben.
Juan Pablo says he wants to find someone who is a good example for his daughter. I hate to break it to him, but the Bachelor Mansion is *probably* not the best place to find that.... I like Sean. I like that the producers are making Juan Pablo take english lessons, his accent is as thick as my thighs (and ultimately causes a problem later in the rose ceremony). They do the obligatory "bachelor-running-shirtless-lifting-weights-etc clip that we can all do without, and throw in a shower scene, which was very unnecessary. I think it is cute that his fam and daughter are staying in LA about it. I thought it was cute to do a Photo Booth and a dance party. I hate that the cement is always wet. 

So I watched the desperate Sunday night pre-show and the first episode and I'm having a hard time getting my groove back (damn ECT), so here goes my first extremely judgmental post of the girls.

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