Max's Bucket List!

I saw this idea and thought it was cute. I can barely even function myself, so I don't know why I am trying to get myself into this, but I am. I like Max. This is what I have so far and what he's done already! Let's say this is from now - age 10-15? The he can add to it or make his own. I don't know. I will keep adding and crossing off. I think I will put it on the sidebar. Anyone have any other ideas? {Uggh, the font and sizes and spacing is all screwed up, please ignore}

To GO:

Go to Seven Peaks

Go to California

Go to a Utes game!

Go to the movies

Go to Lagoon


Go camping (in a tent)
Go bowling

Go to Yellowstone

Museum (Discovery @ Gateway, want to go again!)

Zoo

Go fishing
Go on a cruise
Go to a splashpark
Story time at library

Go to drive in movie

Go to a pro sports game

Play hide and seek

Go on a hayride

Go boating

Go on a motorcycle 

Go on a 4-wheeler



OUTSIDE:

Feed farm animals

Ride horse

Ride bike (he won't use pedals yet, still scoots)

Hop over waves in ocean

Pick up seashells

Splash in mud puddles

Make a snowman

Play in the leaves
Play in fresh snow
Pick fruit off a tree
Play in the rain
See a rainbow

Make a snow fort
Have a snowball fight
Play with water balloons

Pick a pumpkin
Play in the dirt

See a falling star
Go really high on a swing

Sidewalk chalk

Play with bubbles

See a deer in the wild
See wild turkeys
Learn to swim

Hold a worm

Scavenger hunt

Go down a slide backwards

Fly a kite

Play football

Have a running race

Play soccer

PLAY:

Bake cookies

Make gak or slime

Play Red Rover

Finger paint in a bag

Play with shaving cream

MASTER the iPad

Play with play dough 

Help mom cook dinner

Choc pudding body paint

Play with stickers

Make a cardboard box house/car

Play with glowsticks in the bath

Play with colored ice in the bath
Build a fort in the living room
Play "I Spy"
Have a puppet show
Color on a whiteboard
Color on a chalkboard
Build a tower of blocks and knock it down

Play drums on moms pots and pans
Try rock climbing (indoor)

Play a piano

LEARNING:

Learn “The Itsy-Bitsy Spider”, “The Wheels on the Bus”, and “Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.

Learn some words in sign language

Learn a song and sing it

Learn to write my name

Learn my colors

Watch General Conference

Learn to write the ABC's

Say a prayer

Count to 5

FOOD:

Eat steak
Eat popcorn at the movies

Eat from a chocolate fountain
Chew gum
Eat a slushee in the summer
Decorate cookies or cupcakes
Eat broccoli and green beans and like it

Eat dessert for dinner

MISC:

Carve a pumpkin

Sit on Santa'a lap

Stay up all night (BOOOOOO!!!!)

Get my face painted

Decorate a Christmas tree

Doorbell ditch someone

Go trick-or-treating

Write Santa a letter

Have a sleepover

Take a bubble bath

You're not failing as a mom.

"You're not.

If you and I were sitting in Starbucks and you had your fave drink and I had my Caramel Macchiato I'd look at you, and I'd tell you the truth - you're not failing.

I know. I'm guessing, you'd wipe away the tears, and look up, and try to nod your head, but inside, inside well, you'd think that those are nice words but seriously she has no idea. You know why I know? Because I've sat in a coffee shop, across from a friend, a friend who looked me smack in the face and told me that I wasn't failing and that I was doing a great job.

I wanted to tell her about the dishes from yesterday sitting on my counter. And how the pile of storybooks wasn't read again. And that I'm a week behind in laundry. And that I got really really irritated at the mixture of 13 toys all dumped in a pile that two days ago was sorted into 13 labeled boxes. I wondered if she knew that some days, some days I get up and just go through the mom motions without even really finding much joy. It felt like drudgery.

How could she tell me I wasn't failing?

Yet, I wasn't.

Somehow in the mixed up media world we've got these thoughts of moms being perfect. Society doesn't give us a break. I mean read this article in the New York Times about the pressure on moms to look a certain way after they give birth. And then? Then we're to be ultra creative, crafty, humorous, happy, chipper, up before dawn, to sleep after dark, with our sinks shined, and the laundry folded, and tomorrow's breakfast in the crockpot, with tomorrow's dinner - pulled from our once-a-month cooking thawing in the fridge, while we work out for 20 minutes on odd days and 40 minutes on even days, and our hair is always done, we're makeup ready, our fridges are stocked, and the craft closet bursting with ideas for that quick perfect afternoon art project that we'll place on our recycled wood and mod podged adorned hand painted chalkboard.

And, in reality, it's 8am and we're just getting up. The baby was up all night, or the toddler sick, or honestly, we were just tired. We get our coffee and flip on facebook and our stream is flooded with stuff people have already done {I always tell myself -- different time zones} and we're racing to catch up with this never before except for the last hundred years perfect never feel like you're failing mom ideal that is exhausting.

You know what my friend told me? She told me to slow down. Slow down? How in the world when I felt like I was failing was I to slow down? I had way way way too much to do and I needed to read that parenting book to work on my attitude and and and...and. And she told me enough. And that I was a good mom.

You know, you're not failing.

You need to start to see all you do accomplish in a day. All the smiles of encouragement, meals made, clothes changed, books read, and more. Just like I wrote yesterday - we make mistakes {ten things moms need to remember} - we just need to learn from them. We're out of breath, racing, and exhausted, but truly not failing. Failing means stopping. Not getting up, not trying, not giving. That's not you.

I want you to stop telling yourself you're failing. Instead I want you to replace it with I can do this.

You can do this.

Those soundtrack words and feeling about failing are just feelings. Don't let them define you anymore. If you hear I'm failing replace it immediately with I can do this.

If you were across the table from me that is what I would tell you.

And, of course, I'd tell you do one thing. I'm going to write and say it again and again and again. Write your list of things you want to do, need to do, and would love to do today with your family. And then, do one thing from each list. If you stumble, brush yourself off, and start again. Don't worry that the neighbor across the street seems to be doing twenty or the pinterest pin tells you that the perfect home can be achieved in 6 Easy Steps. This is your life - and you - you are the perfect mother for those children. God knew when he blessed those kids to you.

Remember that.

You are a good mom. You matter. You are making a difference.

You can do this. One step, one day, at a time.

From me, one mom in the midst of motherhood, to you."

A friend sent me this link and i loved it good stuff. {i didn't write this!} Original link: http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/08/dear-sweet-mom-who-feels-like-she-is.html?m=1

Crazy's back.

Well, you know. The past month has pretty much sucked it up. I was doing sooo good, work was good, I was stable, and BAM. Everything fell apart. Seriously, just driving home one night I remember turning to Benj and saying how I felt super depressed all of a sudden. Since then it's been serious lows and a few highs. And a lot of missed work. After about 4 days of missing work, (which really was/is horrible timing......lots of important things going on) I scheduled an appointment with my crazy doc. I got in a few days later and good thing! My bipolar usually presents in low depressive episodes with my 'manic' stage being mild irritability. Well my friends, the day before and of my appointment, I hit a whole new level of 'manic'. I was off the walls. Laughing, talking loud and fast, couldn't sit still, couldn't drive straight, couldn't think - thoughts scattered. It was weird, I'd never had that happen before. Benj was even really thrown off. So the doc changed my meds and sent me on my merry giggling way. Of course a few hours later I was curled up in bed hysterical. Now, doing a 3-4 week med change, I've hit a rapid-cycling bipolar, again something that I've never had. Literally minute to minute, laugh, cry, laugh, cry, thoughts all over. It's SLOWLY improving, though I think he will make more adjustments. {insert: my crazy doc is a straight up weirdo. His office = voodoo Moab which is a huge turn off. He wears sweater vests, doesn't touch (nooooo shaking hands) and crosses his legs. Plus just talks weird. Had I not had rave reviews about him I would steer clear of such a whack job.} Anyway, I just kind of needed to vent. I have never in my life felt so out of control. I literally don't dare go to work or to the store because I don't know how I'll be. It's been super hard. It makes it that much worse that I did so well for so long (I thought). I feel like I fell back 100 steps. I actually would have prob been back in the psych hospital had I not lost all hope in that system. NEVER again. I've missed a bunch of family events, work, and moments with Max. He's been so sweet (mostly). He gives me lots of hugs and kisses and is genuinely concerned when I cry (every 10 minutes). He will kiss me and say "Sad ma? Cry? Love you". I've been so impatient and snappy to him. And Benj. I try to actually stay away from them because I feel like I'm hurting them. I lash out, then cry and feel guilty, then get anxious about feeling guilty, then giggle. It's just a mess. {insert: Max in the meantime is having troubles with health. His ears bother him, he still won't sleep, has headaches, etc etc. In the middle of everything we took him to another ENT for a second opinion, which they gave. Needs tonsils and adenoids out, asap (Oct 1st, inpatient hospital stay). Tube was half out, sinus infection. I feel so bad for him, yet it's so hard to be patient with all his whining and crying and not sleeping!!) Might I add that just a normal standard fact of bipolar people: don't mess with their sleep. They need it and they need it regularly and they need it more. So not having more that 4 hours straight of sleep a night for the past 6+ months is kicking my ass. And Benj's. And Max's. It's a wonder we are all here and semi happy. And alive.

As a side note, I've been wanting to get this off my chest. I soooo much want more kids. I just know there are more that are supposed to be with us and it breaks my heart because there is NO WAY that it will happen. I keep thinking, I'll get better, I can handle it, one day soon. But realistically I know, I can't. I can barely be a decent mom/wife now, let alone add to the plate. It's something I think about a lot and it just tears me up. My mom says to wait until the millennium, there is plenty of time :)

Anyway, hopefully things will look up soon. Voodoo is wanting to add lithium to the cocktail of meds I'm on now (that's what the psych unit had me on) and I'm not thrilled. It made me super groggy and feel 'out of it', not to mention jacked my thyroid up. But I guess I'm kind of out of options. I wanted to say thanks to EVERYONE at work, my family, friends, and especially Max and Benj for sticking with me. I could have easily been out of a job, been on bad terms with family and friends, and lost my boys. I know how hard it is on my end, I can't imagine the other end of dealing with me. So thanks. Gahh.

I have a ton of pics I want to post but I'm trying this new Blogger App and having troubles with it, so watch for those.

dinosaurs, mattresses, clippings.

I got thinking about dinosaurs. I've always thought, "when I get to heaven, that is one thing I want explained....it just doesn't make sense." Then, in talking it thru with Benj, you know how our planet was made up from other planets? Maybe the damn dinosaurs were on the other planets and we just got the bones of them scattered randomly on our land. Whatever! It all makes sense now. Intriguing.

I saw a sign the other day for "Mattress Land". They had the guy out on the corner, dressed like a mattress, dancing around (which that could be a whole post in and of itself.....). Then I thought of a place like Osmond Designs. Notice the difference you feel when you say the 2? Mattress Land conjures up a peed on mattress in the alley, Osmond Designs makes me think of high end, polished granite, triple stuffed down comforter, chocolate covered strawberries. Just sayin, if I was looking for a mattress, I might lean toward the triple stuffed, even with the sure price difference. There is a lot in a name (and a presentation).

I'm pretty clean and anal about having things straightened up, etc. But fingernail clippings? Nope. I don't care. I will clip in my bed, on my desk at work, in the car. All over the floor, whatever. Let em fly! Kinda weird. Benj freaking hates it. Well, Benj, I hate that you can kill a spider and leave it smashed into the wall and walk away and never think twice about it.

Thank you.

Max and Anna Banana!

Dinner!

Pillow Fight!!

notice the hand holding :)

They sure love each other! They are so cute together!!

Max a few days ago playing.....

Playing with vinegar and baking soda!

It's been forever!

Holy hell it has been almost 2 months! I have been busy! I have so much to say, but first and foremost - LOOK AT WHAT MY MOM MADE! Max's room is almost done (now for the other 4+ rooms......)

Isn't it the cutest thing ever!? Cuter than the Pinterest one. I love it. She hand-picked each one and came and helped me hang them all. LOVE!

And these cute book shelves/reading nook...!

Sweet storage bins - and the awesome fishtank nightlight from Grandma Tam!

Love love love!!

I've been keeping a small list of things I LOVE about my new house:

1. Not hitting my hands in the ceiling fan when I am getting dressed or folding clothes (Although I still hestitate. One too many injured fngers....). I also love that it doesn't bobble. In my old house it sounded like someone was steadily hammering all night, but it was either that or sweating like a fat man doing Zumba. I chose hammer.
2. A DISHWASHER!!!!!! And it is quiet to boot! {Side note: I had no clue what 'rinse aid' was. I did my first batch like 13 times because it wasn't drying....} Sometimes I just stare at it while it is going, partly because I love it and partly because it is so quiet I don't even know it is on.
3. I love the shelf in the tub in my bathroom. Roomy for all my supplies.
4. NEW COUCHES! I can actually sit on them and feel comfortable. I have even slept on them! Our old ones the seat was so shallow my cheek didn't even fit. Super awkward.
5. I have a place for LAUNDRY! An actual room! It used to be in the kitchen..... Sometimes I like to just go in the laundry room and bask.
6. Not getting hit in the face with swamp cooler water as I walk around. Not only do I not have a swamp cooler - but glorious CENTRAL AIR!! (Wait until I get the first bill, then we can talk about me probably being a pinch less excited about it...)
7. Functioning blinds! It works wonders for my depression to be able to have sunlight shining in my rooms.
8. My new cooshy carpet! It feels fantastic on my feet. Sometimes I just pace around (usually because I am searching for something in a damn box somewhere) but I get distracted by the lovely carpet. 2 things: 1. we have a tall bed. Like if I dropped something off of it I used to have to like repel off, Benj holding my feet because it was so far down (as opposed to actually getting out of bed, who has energy for that?). Anyway, I kept thinking somehow our bed shrunk during the move because I could reach things without repelling, but I realized it is because the COOSHY carpet is like 2 inches higher than our yucky apartment carpet. And 2. Max is Mr. Throw up and in the morning there are little spots of throw up all over, like a damn dog. He gets up at night coughing and goes from his room to ours coughing/puking every 7 steps. {Also, another side note, he closes all the doors on the way thru the house too, and the garbage can. While crying/coughing/puking. OCD much??}
9. I love that I can blog right now without worrying about Max in here because guess who has thier own room! Woo!

I freaking love the Bachelorette this season. She is gorgeous and so NORMAL. No drama, just good, solid TV. I really really really hope it works out for her.

The whole world is on fire. Seriously, it is time. Hope you are all paying your tithing. Between the dump fire and the Herriman one, I thought we'd possibly get evac. We packed a small bag (which was pretty much all my meds, because no matter what, I NEED THOSE. We can deal with whatever else). Our family property down by Indianola was right in the middle of the chaos and for a few days we thought for sure the fire got it. We were able to get our trailer and one 4 wheeler out before the evacuated. Anyway, as of now, it literally burned everything around our camp. Miracle. On 34th Street. My sis-in-law Brandy and her hubby got sealed this week (it was awesome to go thru the temple with them!) but we came out of the temple and I thought we'd been bombed. The Alpine fire was just starting and was super out of control. I know there are 90000 pictures of it all over FB and the news, but here are a few I snapped...

This is from the temple parking lot.

This is from the road by our house in Saratoga.

I know I've said it all over FB, but THANK YOU to all the firefighters and for thier sacrifice. It is a hard job and I am so grateful for them keeping us safe. It is close to my heart because I come from a family of firemen (Dad, T, Uncle Kim and Cousin Jake) + many many friends. I love and support them all and pray for thier safety. My dad has 2 of the Lehi crews out currently on some of this craziness, which is a huge sacrifice for thier families. They are gone 14 days, home for 2-ish and usually called out again, especially with the way things are going. They sleep on the ground, eat on the run, don't shower for days. T has been called to the Indianola one, one in Cedar City area (I didn't even know one was freaking there...) the Herriman one, and I believe the Alpine one. Anyway, I am grateful and thankful for all of them. I pray this shit ends soon! Glad for a rainy day today!!!!

More to come soon. I hope to get in the swing of things again! If we don't all burn to death before then....

Man, I am used to auto-correct on my phone.... sorry for any spelling/grammar errors....

new house + Siri

The story:  We have been right on the borderline of being able to purchase and with Benj's new job, we had just enough boost to start looking. We of course wanted a house with yard/garage, etc, but after much consideration, we looked at mostly condos in Eagle Mountain. We had a realtor and were plugging along and he just didn't have the gusto we wanted, so we found someone else thru a friend. Within 3 days we were out looking at newer/different ones. On kind of a whim, we stopped at one in Saratoga Springs. It is still under construction (which makes me SOOOOOO happy that no one has lived in it = clean!!!!!!).  Anyway, it was on the second floor which we really didn't want, but after seeing it we absolutely loved it! And it has a garage! Thne everything just fell into place. We decided to put in an offer (it WASN'T a short sale, which was nice, and rare) and within like 2 hours they accepted (on a Saturday)! We will close on June 15 at the latest! I am so happy to have a new fresh start and PAINT and decorate!! I can't even stand it! Here are some pics:

The Office

Love the doors and door knobs!

Walk in master closet

Master bath

Peep window from kitchen to front door. My dad really likes the fire alarm.

Benj on the balcony!

It doesn't have carpet so we got to choose which one (out of the 5-6 they have), this is what we chose.

Laundry

Max's room closet

Love the door frames. They remind me of Terris for some reason.

Already has great light fixtures. No more 1980 brass!!

The kitchen is gorgeous. Love the cabinet colors and stainless steel!

spacious pantry

We asked for a fridge in the offer and they are providing a matching one.

Big front room (Benj = pondering)

Cute architecture on the porch

2nd bath

I like the window panes, how they are triple on top and open on bottom.

Arch

It could have had these door knobs and a dishwasher and I'd be sold.

I am so excited! I am just overloarding myself with pinterest decor ideas and organizing ideas. I've worked myself into an Ativan actually.

My conversation with Siri a few days ago: She kept popping up uninvited so I said "why does Siri keep popping up"to Benj, and of course she was up and heard me.....

Siri: "I can't answer that, but I could search the web for you, if you'd like."

Me: "screw you!"

Siri: "Ask nice, now"

Me: "Did you really just get bitchy with me?"

Siri: "Hmm, is that so?"

Me: "I'd like to bitch slap you"

Siri: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that"

Me: "Ok, we are fighting"

Siri: "Now, now"

Me: "I hope you have your period in a shark tank"

Siri: "Sorry, I don't understand 'I hope you have your period in a shark tank'. Search the web?"

Me: "You suck"

Siri: "I don't really like these arbitrary categories, Sarah"

Me: "DO NOT say my name at the end of things!"

Siri: "Why not, Sarah?"

Oh my hell I was so pissed off. Damn technology.

The Hut + my moms finishing touches :)

My mom has this little hut behind thier garage. It has grape vines covering the top (awesome in the summer when they are green and it's shady!) Here are some pics of all the little finishing touches she adds - as always, makes everything super cute.

 The "front door". The gate is mostly to keep Olivia OUT.

Little old-fashioned wheelbarrow hold the "dishes" for the kids

Fresh flowers!

Vintage toy that I think was my dads when he was little, displayed in the garage window.

Olivia

Max loves Marnee's!