Benji Sarah and Max

more thoughts

2012-02-09T21:32:00.001-07:00

Sweaty men = a fine line. It can be attractive in the right situation, but super repelling in the wrong one. (Chopping wood vs. walking around Wal-Mart).

Yes Carly, sneak into the corner in Wal-Mart and paint my nails fast and then leave.

Ya know "objects in mirror are closer than they appear"? Why the hell don't they just make a mirror where the objects are just as they appear, not closer? Seems to be almost a safety issue.

Remember this?

I freaking loved it.

"Lurking in the shadows with thier lip-gloss smiles" conjures up a perfect picture in my mind of high school dances/high school in general and I like it. Good one Taylor Swift.

Is it weird to anyone else that deer poop is in perfectly symmetrical balls?

And, have you ever seen it come out? I don't know why I have (maybe a movie?) but thier hole opens up and it comes out like corn coming out of a cup or something. The whole operation is kind of unusual. Just sayin.

I don't seem to have a problem with the phrase "just sayin" like most people do. I actually kind of like it.

random thoughts

2012-02-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

I came home yesterday from my sister Em's house with hay in my cleavage. Only at Ems.

Clerks: for hell sakes, especially at a drive thru, DO NOT give the change with bills on bottom and change on top. We have to angle our hand all awkward and half the time they slide off. It's really annoying.

Is it bad to go to Wal-Mart and paint your nails and then leave?

The other day at the gas station, I ran into the freaking counter, hard. I serisouly had a lump the size of Cleveland on my hip - not even exaggerating. Anyway, it isn't going away, so my right hip is like an inch bigger than my left and that is the last damn thing I need. I'm already fat, I don't need to be lopsided fat. I've prided myself on being evenly distributed fat, and now this.

I was at the State Drill Competition Friday and of course everyone is dressed immaculately, except one. Let us discuss this. Skinny pants can be worn by few. The biggies are not one of the few. Skinny pants with cargo pockets can be worn by no one. Skinny pants with cargo pockets with things inside the pockets CANNOT be worn. It created a horrible upside-down triangle shape. Cargo pants are for guys who are actively at a construction site - period.

I hesitate to say this because I know a lot of people who say it - but the phrase "too cute" absolutely makes my skin crawl.

And finally - why the hell are vision and dental not included in health insurance? Are our eyes and teeth not part of our health? Are opthamologists and dentists not technically docctors?? What kind of messed up joke....

painting project!

2012-01-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, and I will keep saying it....... I love Pinterest! We did finger painting tonight (he ended up with a paintbrush and Q-tips too....) and loved it!

I told him we were going to color so he went and got these and a piece of paper and sat down at the table - which is cute of him.

I didn't have paint or really any "cooking" ingredients to make paints, so I just did flour and water and food coloring (and let him help mix it). I was actually surprised I had flour. I've used it once since we got married. Yep, I'm cool like that. He was freaking thrilled with the changing of color when we added the food coloring!

He didn't want it on his hands!

From Pinterest: press paper down on the finished product - then let dry! Here are the masterpieces, drying!

They call me.... shredder

2012-01-26T20:46:00.001-07:00

I know, this is freaking disgusting. I debated if I should post it, but you have to see this in order to understnad the next picture.

Soooo..... clearly, I have a problem with dry feet. An extreme problem. This is a few months ago, after a shower, with one of those razor tools the Veitnamese use in the nail places.

Since I was a baby, I rub my feet together to go to sleep. Really, whenever I am tired (at work sometimes....). So this is my bed. My freaking foot got caught in a hole in the sheet the other night. Soo, after much deliberation, and some denial, Benj and I came to the conclusion that the combination of me rubbing my sandpaper/wire-brush feet together vigorously every night and crappy quality sheets = hole in the sheet.

Pretty intense.

(note: I can control it with the Ped-Egg + cream from the dermatologist, I just don't sometimes. I know there are thousands of remedies out there - I get "suggestions" all the time.)

Anyhow, Benj has started calling me Shredder.

Happy Birthday Max!!

2012-01-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

His actual birthday is tomorrow (Jan 22nd) but we had a little shin-dig tonight with the fam. Can you tell what it is he is into lately....?

Cars tent from lovely Liz & kids. He took all his stuff and sat in there :)

Classy framed Buzz for Max's room from Em

New "diaper" bag....

Scooter! He actually knows how to do it!

(not pictured: Balloons, Buzz helmet for scooter + probably more things I am forgetting. He was spoiled!)

Watchin a show with his new buddies....

Isn't that precious??

Happy birthday little guy!!

I quit.

2012-01-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

No more Bachelor blogging. At least this season. It is nauseating -slash- I get too stressed about finding time to do it. Good luck to Ben.

The Bachelor: Week 1

2012-01-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

Sooo, yes I am going to blog it again. I bitched all through last season, and to my dismay, it is even more ridiculous, based on the first episode, than last year. And here. We. Go.

Starts off with a flashback from the humiliating finale last year.
Man I DID NOT miss his sweaty bald spotted flappy hair.
Contrary to popular belief, the phrase "Good things don't end unless they end badly" is stupid. My marriage ceremony ended and it was good. The hot dog I just ate was good, and it is over. Idiot.
Don't sail in a peach tank top.
I cannot believe they chose him.
What should I have for lunch tomorrow? I'm already boredish.
Squatting in the orchard sifting dirt through your hand?? Really? Tractor?
Most promos they do on new Bachelors are them pumping iron and running on the beach. Nope, not Ben. Sailing and manual labor at the winery for him.
Fly aways. Get him some pomade. Good helllll.
Does he even have a home? He has been walking around in the orchard the whole show so far.
OOooh snap. He plays the piano too.
NOSTRILS.
V-neck.
Don't kayak.
Did someone just say "lesbian cream pie"????? What!
****commercial The Vow looks soooo good. Channing Tatum. Mmmmm. Wasn't there a Sandra Bullock movie with the exact same plot??
I'll say this once: the grandma stunt is a horrible staged desperate move by the producers. Hate. Not even funny.
Horse girl is cute.
Dumpsville - population YOU? I can't believe I just saw/heard that.
Cow balls. She is a critical care nurse. Cow balls. Fried.
Oh please don't make a heart with your hands.
Of course model girl "isn't worried". They never are. Nor should they be. Hiya.
Cue the curtain open: "Hi! I'm Jamie!" That wasn't cheeeeese at all.
Just caught myself looking out my window.
Semi-impressed with adopt you siblings RN girl.
London + wardrobe changes + corny sayings = NEXT please.
Oh, this is good. Over analyst blogger girl. That isn't a set her up to fail plan AT ALL......
Holy shit.
Ok, I'm no doctor, and I've only just met this girl, but I'm saying Xanax + inpatient therapy and come back in two years lady...
Don't make a PBJ in an apron.
That could turn into Emily/Brad pretttty quick. Leave kids out of it.
Don't sit on a steer.
Nicki - cute.
Again, did I just hear "share a tampon"? No, I must have misunderstood.
****commercial I cannot look at the Asian girl on Greys Anatomy. She is so weird looking. Creepy. **shudder**
Mom - you said they kind of fixed his hair this season. No, I'm afraid they did not.
Stare at a hummingbird Ben. That is cool. You homo.
Why the hell are the sidewalks always wet at that mansion? Annyoing to drag your dress through freaking water.
Chris H has a really square head.
So I understand Ben's dad died. Why don't we keep talking about it every 3 minutes for half of last season and half of this episode. Ok?
He just went cross eyed.
Oh man, he just turned that sentance into a gay one by changing his tone to a gay voice. Woah.
That, actually would make sense....
That would be a good turn of events one season. Maybe this one.
LOL, the hummingbird is his dad - or whatever.
First car of girls pull up = sounds like hens gaggling.
Verdict comment by law student girl was lame.
"That's funny." He says, with no emotion or smile.
The Baconator? Not a turn on sweetie.
Candadian Bacon?? Isn't that ham, anyway?
She has big boobs.
Woah this one looks pregnant.
Jenna = awkward.
Like really awkward.
More hens.
Model girl reminds me a lot of someone I used to work with.....
Don't play with his stupid hair.
Quit playing with your own hair. This isn't a photo shoot.
"She's pretty" he says. I'm no supermodel, but she isn't that gorgeous to me.
Sash girl - Miss what? What is she? I missed that.
See thru black legs dress is no bueno.
What the HAT?? Derby?
This is getting super desperate.
And here we have anorexia manifested in real life. I missed her name, I was too busy watching her arm to make sure it didn't BREAK IN HALF.
Grandma situation: Ok, I didn't see that coming.
That girl just said: "Sash + HAT + grandma" Funny
Ben: "The caliber is unreal." Caliber of what, those girls? Are we talking about the same thing?
What time do I work tomorrow?
There aren't many cute redheads. Annnnd, still, there aren't many cute redheads.
54 dresses?
London = Cheese. Swiss + Provolone + Bleu + Cheddar freaking cheese. She could be cute if she'd change her personality completely.
What the walk-by girl?
Did Utah just say "oh hell" when she got out of limo?
Don't have a lime green mermaid dress with ashy blonde hair.
He likes a slug on the arm. LOL.
"Do you know how many there are supposed to be?" Didn't they brief you sweetie? Have you ever seen the show?
Oh good. Ben has "never dismounted anyone".
Good thing she is cute. That could have been really really stupid.
Gorgeous. Amazing. Handsome. Tall. Great body. Beautiful. Sexy. Great hair. Are we talking about Ben? Who??
London just did a coyote call when Ben walked in.
I like Rachel. Quit her job about it though?
Nicki is overly excited here. Maybe a little tipsy??
Oh. Bubbly. Bubbly = Ashley = Ben's type, evidently.
"Hooves", he says.
In the promo she said she's been riding since before she could walk. Now she says 6 years old. Umm, was she a non-walking 6 year old or is she exaggerating?
This one has interrupted him twice.
I am an interrupter. I'm working on it. Like really, in therapy, I am actively working on it. I'm supposed to get a notebook and when I'm having conversations write things down I want to say and wait for the person to finish talking. Good when in a meeting at work or talking seriously to Benj.
Grandma again: She could have gone home after the limo stunt. No need to stay and chat.
"I know more about you than you do". That isn't freaking creepy at all.....
Does the granddaughter talk?
"She has a heart" grandma says - LOL
Family impression. She wants to make a family impression. Ok, again, the grandma getting out of the limo thing was good enough, now send granny home.
Oh man, I love this trash!!
There is some plastic & botox up in here!!!!
And the drinking ensues.
Rap = kinda cute. With a side of cheese.
Ok. I'll say it. His personality is developing a little.
Model: "I'm at the point in my life where, I'm a model". Genius.
Jenna is either drunk and/or needs an Ativan.
Did a lesbian activity just happen?
Not surprising that the producers dropped that. I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner.
I'm also surprised they haven't had a black Bachelor/ette.
"You're in my life forever....Beautiful....Amazing....Need your #..... If you are the only thing that comes out of this...." holy hell.
Jenna is hyperventilating. How do you maintain sanity, she asks?
I know it's been said, but is it a staged move to have all the crazies come from Utah? It is the Last Days, for sure.
Don't say "No tears". He just full on watched you crying you idiot.
WTH is she even saying to him? What...?
Wowza - she is a freaking train wreck.
Is she throwing up?
I like the first impression rose girl (horse girl).
Hey Lindsay's parents: Don't spell Lindsay LINDZI next time around. It's stupid.
Cow balls girl looks like the hairdresser on Legally Blonde:

Model is a bit of a scrunch face.
At this point in the show, Jenna looks like a meth addict.
Woah, sweet little nurse showing some underboob.
Why is the lesbian clapping?
"You're a good hugger" "Get used to it" That was cute.
London = huge head. In addition to her annoyingness.
Woah nelly, Adams Apple on the back row!
Aw man, the redhead.
Jenna, for the love. It has been a rough show and you don't have many fans. DO NOT pout your lip like that. It isn't making it any easier to like you. Plus, you look like a troll. On meth.
Adams apple got a rose. I could see that turning into a transvestite situation here shortly.
That girl on the front row is so botoxed she can't even close her mouth. Ironically, I think it is Hat girl.
Jenna gets a pity rose. P.I.T.Y.
London feels like an absolute failure. It was one night. A little dramatic?
Cow balls just wheeled her hands in circles for a good 30 seconds.
Well kids, there has been lots of F-words tonight. The sweet little ladies.
This promo for next week is a little over the top with drama and emotions. Almost turn-me-off instead of wanting to watch. Good one, producers.
"I want to verbally assult her". That is actually a freaking good line.
I am looking at my notes paper and I had written "love blonde bangs girl" and my mind immediately went to the gutter.
Anyway, I do like the girl who is blonde and has bangs. A lot. Classy.
Again, the 'scenes from next week' cut is really, um, theatrical.
Annnnd they kind of completely give away the finale....? Or is it just me?
Is the finale in the mountains?
Whew. It's over.

Max 2 year old pics!

2011-12-28T23:03:00.002-07:00

I just got them back and am sooo excited! I love all of them! This is only a few of the 50! Isn't he the cutest thing ever?!

upon reflection

2011-12-18T14:14:00.002-07:00

Pondering the last few shit filled days with max & just in general, I wanted to point out some of the positives......

That diarrhea wasn't involved.
That child abuse wasn't involved.
That a psych unit wasn't involved.
That I was able to get sleep.
That I have meds to help me.
That all of a sudden Max will just lay in his bed and go to sleep without the milk sippy + holding in the recliner at night (as of like 3 days ago).
That I have family to help me.
That my boss/Amanda are flexible and understanding.
That grandma Tam was able to come to the picture event. I'd have never made it.
That Max gave kisses and "please" and "ank oo's" in between the terror moments.

He just diarrhea'd all over the recliner - which was still drying from the clean up of the puke. So I take back #1. I was going to keep going, but I'm pissed now.

a rough one.....

2011-12-15T23:31:00.001-07:00

It all started Wednesday night. Benj wasn't feeling well (we all feel like shit, is it going around??), so I was trying to be nice and picked up Max from the sitters and took him shopping so Benj could rest. Yeah, well that was a dumb idea. I stopped home and grabbed a go-gurt and some juice, just incase he got munchy, and we headed to Old Navy. I'm hunting for a shirt and/or some khaki's for Max's pictures the next day. Put Max in a cart, take his huge puffy "Christmas Story" coat off and leave his hat on. Immediately he tries to get out of the cart, and I immediatly put a stop to it. And there it started. Freak out cry cry, hit me, throwing shit, opened my purse and threw contents all over. As I am on the ground searching for my belongings, one arm up trying to keep the damn kid in the cart, I see a rack of boys long sleeve shirts - clearance for $5. Yay! So many colors and options! So I roll over and start looking thru. I knew I wanted some sort of blue to bring out his amazing blues, and of course there are 12 different blue ones. He is screaming. Thermal fabric or normal? Hell I dont know. I personally would hate thermal - would he? Here comes my anxiety. I look around. A lady with freaking newborn twins, like right out the canal, is pushing around a 12 foot double stroller complete with 2 huge diaper bags, blankets, coats, and half the baby section piled on top. Who goes out shopping with a newborn? Or 2?? Or any kid? Of course she is taking up a lot of room, so I have semi-stuck, which causes clausterphobia. More anxiety sets in. Another couple, 2 kids, 2 carts, 4 huge purses (it seemed like). Mom yelling "Honey, does this match? How about this? Go find a worker and ask if they have this in 24 months. Hurry! Sam GET OVER HERE," etc, etc. And dad is screaming back "Hey Jennie, look, here are matching sweats. Did Annie get boots this year? What was that shirt she had on last week that I liked?" Kids all of the place. At one point thier boy was on the bottom of one of the carts, driving it with his hands, and of course, hit the back of my ankles, which causes me to scream "shit!" to which I get "the look" from the parents. In the meantime I have tried to take pictures of 4 different shirts and text them to Rae and Manda (the only ones who were responding out of all my friends and fam) and the text wouldn't go thru. Damn AT&T. Max screaming he wants down, out, cry, cry. At this point I was almost in hysterics. Sweating. Tried to call Benj, who is home in the tub watching a movie and he doesn't answer, which pisses the hell out of me. Try to email Rae, the pics, they won't go thru. Max has taken everything out of the cart again and thrown it on the floor. Where is his shoe?? I give him a drink of his juice and he promtly spits it out onto merchandise. It was all I could do to not smack his face. So I slapped his mouth, not hard, and told him NO. Of course the lady next to me looks at me like I am a damn child abuser. Whatever. So I park my cart, gather Max and go outside for breather #1 of the night. Re-group, go back in. Put Max in the big part of the cart, trying to change it up for him. There are zeroooo khaki's in his size. I found one labeld 2T that literally could have fit me, if you know what I mean. Do they have shoes here, like to buy? What the hell are those? They look like the penny loafers I wore to the first day of school in Kindergarten. I don't know what color to get. I narrowed it down to 3. They are $5 each, to hell with it I will get them all. I'm standing in line and Max has emptied half of one of those ball bins, from his seat in the cart, I don't even know how. He does have a really long torso. Throwing them at customers. As I get all the balls back into the bin, some lady 'nudges' me telling me the line is moving. Hoe. Next thing I know Max has 2 nail files and is poking some little kid. As I am putting those back, he takes some gum and throws it at the cashier. Somehow finds his juice and dumps it out everywhere. Ok, in the back of my mind I am nervous because the shirts I picked out are all that thermal fabric and I don't know if I like it. Plus they are 3T because the 2T looked too small. Shit. So I get out of line, sweating, and go back to the rack. Try 19 more times to call someone, anyone, for an opinion. I get Amanda's finally and just go with it. Back to the line. One of the workers is walking back from the back room with a "Caution, Wet Floor" sign + a mop forhis juice, glaring at me. It wasn't enough for a mop about it you big snot. Pretty much the exact same thing happens again, I pay and get thru. And it's a damn good thing the guy didn't ask me to open a credit card because he would have gotten a bitchy response. So I'm by the door, which isn't easy to get out of with a cart, so I'm trying to back out of it like a big fat dumptruck and and mentally looking around thinking "where the hell is Max's hat?" I love that hat. So back freaking in we go. 3 rounds and 2 employees looking later, nothing. I literally got on hands and knees and was looking under racks. Pissssssed. So I get in the car and immediately started crying. I gathered myself enough before I walked in so Benj wouldn't be stressed, but the minute I looked at him I started crying again. I told Benj to please clean Max's shoes for pictures tomorrow and went in my room for timeout #2. Re-group. Come out and get Max in the bath. I get that done, while he yelled and cried for ice the whole time, got him out and was trying to get him dressed. He was crying so hard he almost threw up. I looked at Benj and told him I was leaving. I was in my garments only, so I put a jacket on and went outside for breather #3. I felt like a smoker, sitting on my front porch crying and puffing air in the cold. Ahhhh.

Fast forward to today. We slept in, kind of, got up at 8:30 to get ready for Max's pictures. I wanted to make sure he got something to eat so he wasn't fussy. His breakfast of choice was yogurt with bread chunks in it (I used to do it, don't ask.....) so halfway thru that he gags on his flegm and throws up projectile all over the recliner. In the crevices. Cry cry cry. I didn't have time to properly clean that and get both of us ready, so out of the 3, I'm the one who didn't shower and do my hair. I couldn't get it cleaned up very good so I just did my best and tried to hurry and get myself ready. In the meantime you better believe I opened me a Dr. Pepper. I turned on Buzz thinking he'd sit and watch it. He started crying so I went in there (I was naked at this point, don't judge) and sat my ass right in freshly spilled apple juice. Like right in my crack. So I go back in and am doing my makeup and of course he has to be all up in my business. He emptied my case into the sink and turned the water on, on all of my makeup, before i could even blink. I slapped his hand and told him no, to which he starts bawling, borderline throws up again (meaning a handful of spitty stuff) and falls into the tub backward. I give him loves, wipe the sweat of my face, and try to continue getting ready. I'm thinking this whole time that I'm glad grandma is coming with us to pictures...... Next thing I know, my fresh DP is being poured all over the wet makeup I had just set out to dry. Ok, now I'm pissed. Deep breaths. Yada yada yada, We go pick up grandma and are on our way. I knew the general area of the place but couldn't find it exactly. So we were a pinch late and they are kind of nazi-like, which made me nervous. Max is immediately flustered; thinks we are in a doctors office. They take us back, with our male photographer, which initially made me nervous, and started trying to get Max comfortable. The guy was awesome, trying to get him to throw balls, play with cars, jump, eat fruit snacks, M&M's, anything. Nope. Max cried THE ENTIRE TIME. Tried to get out of the doors. Was clinging to grandma like a damn spider monkey. At one point the guy had me & grandma leave, which didn't work. He said this is the first kid who has stumped him. He said they normally get 50-80 shots and by the end of it he had 15, maybe. He told us it was no-charge and we could reschedule. They are awesome there and I love them, it was just Max was a TERROR. He said he would edit the ones he got and we could come back and look at them and just see. So we went to get lunch. The adults wanted Cafe Rio, but with the way Max was acting I knew damn well he wasn't going to sit in a highchair and eat beans, so Carls' Jr. playplace we went. Of course he was a darling angel once we got there. Laughing, smiling, playing in the playplace. Ate a little. Pooped. This was the best part of the day. We got back to look at the photos and ther are 2 cute ones and 2 semi-cute ones. Both semi-cute ones you could see a HUGE MASHED UP BALL OF KOOK on his shoe (hmmmm, didn't I ask someone to clean his shoes?). So they call in the office manager and the 'photoshop expert' to see if it could be fixed. It's a $5 charge and maybe was the answer. I just say to hell with it, let's reschedule. I don't know if Max is sick of what, so I did it out a few weeks. They are booked thru January but she found me a place at 8PM one night after Christmas, mostly because she could tell I was going to lose it any minute. I don't know how well 8PM will work, we will see. Did I mention that serisouly probably 90% of this story Max was crying????? We were trying to keep Max awake on the way home so his mother could get a nap with him. Yelling in his face, pinching his feet, etc. He was pissed. I was pissed. We get home, I give him some more Tylenol and a dash of Benadryl since he as so mucous-ee and let him run around until he gets tired. He was asking for Buzz, but SOMEONE lost the remote and so I tryed to get it on my phone. It kept cutting out and he kept crying everytime, so I finally just turned it off. Well, he wasn't having that. He rolled around on me and cried and kicked for probably a good hour. I was frantically texting Benj, calling my mom, etc. He wouldn't stop. I finally put him in his bed and shut the door. Not 20 seconds later he puked all over his bed and the floor. Get him out, rip off his clothes, he is clinging to me bawling. I feel semi bad for him. We lowered his bed so even I can't reach the matress, so I was trying to hold him, bend over and get the dirty sheets/blanket, and pinch his leg. CRY cry cry. At this point I am crying too. I try to lay him in my bed with me. He is soooo tired he can't keep his eyes open, yet he won't freaking sleep. He wasn't having my bed, so we end up on puke drenched recliner, still wet. I put him in a headlock and tried to give him his sippy with milk. Finally he drank some and spit it out. AGHH you are kidding me. Sitting in puke, milk all over. I smell something yucky, besides the puke. Yep, the milk is sour. Terrific. I get up to change it out, which I don't even know why because he doesn't drink it anyway, and he freaks out because I left him on the chair alone. He chases me into the kitchen and trips on his sock. I trip on a freaking toy on the way back and full on fall to the ground with a stubbed toe. I can't even see straight I'm crying so hard. Max is turning the Christmas tree lights on and off and on and off, crying. We are about 3 hours into it now. I put him back in his bed and he actually layed down!! Ah! So I sit by him for a second. Once he starts breathing normal I am assured he is asleep and get up to walk out. NOPE. Freak out cry scream throw up again. Whole scenario again, start another batch of wash yada yada. We are both hyysterical again. I call my dad to see why the hell my mom ins't answering (I thought there better be a damn good reason, like she is in the hospital, for example) and he was quite alarmed at my state. He called around and found her, but by the time she called, Max had FINALLY fallen asleep on me on the chair, so it woke him up. I cannot even explain how horible this whole thing was. I swear it was worse than it even sounds. Something is off with my meds anyway because this whole week I have been a wreck; crying, mad, upset, tired. I packed him up and took him to the brother-in-law and left him there. I came home to see if I could lay down for a while and I was so damn anxious I couldn't sleep. And now here I am. I'm a wreck. Arguably one of my top 5 worst 24 hours ever. Right up there with Physch unit entrance #1 and the postpartum poo day.

Ugh, I feel better venting. Hope tomorrow is better. And I am not proof-reading this - sorry Amanda.

are you kidding?

2011-12-07T23:20:00.001-07:00

I was flipping thru a magazine at lunch today, which I haven't done for a looooong time. The 65 year old nurse I was eating with knows more about the Kardashians than I do. I just found out today thier dad was the lawyer for OJ Simpson...... Anyway, I came across a few things that I just couldn't resist taking another half hour talking to my friends about and then scanning them in to my work email and so I could post them. Maybe I am over-reacting.

Favorite Holiday tradition: Vanessa Hudgens says "opening presents in the morning"

ummm

Isn't that what everyone does?? Does she think that is just her tradition? Does she know what a tradition is? (Do I?) Stupid comment. Stupid. She is, however, hot. (p.s. - here's a fat joke for you: I was eating chips during lunch and see those two dark spots on that lady's dress? yep, greasy finger spots. pretty sick.)

I know, it is obvious that "snooki" is a big idiot. I thought everyone was aware of that. Apparently, someone isn't though because they went and let her "write" not one, but TWO books. On being a "Guidette"???? What the hell even is that? No, really? If she was a tour guide, maybe, maybe she could pull that off, but isn't she just a sluttly little fowl mouthed puke? Are people serious? Like 3 people looked at that ad while I was there and no one said a word - like it was normal. Wake up pale? I understand the eyelashes. Whatever!! What a freaking joke.

And finally. Carmelo and Lala. That's right, I said LaLa. As in, "La de freaking da-la". Please don't tell me you read that name and thought it was normal just now. Are you kidding me? Carmelo is one thing, and if Caramello candy bars weren't so good, I'd be bitching about his name too. Call me rascist or whatever, but a lot of African Americans have some messed up-made up names (Shaniqua, LaFonda, Quarlisha, SNOOKI, etc) (is Snooki black?) and this, my friends, is a perfect example. Don't. Even if it is a nick-name, for hell sakes grow out of it already. At the very least use your real name for the magazine. Seriously. {Let me just interject here that there are plenty of "white" made up names I could whine about too.... Talon, Canyon, Timber, etc}.

I either won't be reading magazines for a while, or I will and have to continue bitching about the dumb celebrities. Until The Bachelor starts again....

funnies

2011-11-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

I just can't handle how funny these are. They always make me giggle, at the very least - sometimes LOL, sometimes LMAO. The pictures crack me up. I've posted some on FB & Pinterest, so some of you may have seen some already. There are thousands - but these particular ones are very "me" I thought. Enjoy!

thankful thursday #6

2011-11-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

Nov 28: Benj's patience. Benj in general, but folks, you have no idea how patient this man is. I must be difficult to live with and he, well, he is still here.

Nov 29: The smell of rain on cement.

Nov 30: Random texts and calls from Benj everyday, just to check in. :)

Of course there are many more things I am grateful for (one being that November is over and I am done with this posting sequence), yada yada.

thankful thursday #5

2011-11-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

Nov 18: Bleach

Nov 19: My brothers. Albeit we are 20 years apart, they are both freaking delightfully funny and when push comes to shove, very loyal. Love em.

Nov 20: Miss Kitty. This is Benj's dads cat and she is just lovely. She has more personality than most people do. She talks, smiles, sits on your lap. A perfect cat. She even lets Max body slam her and kiss her. She makes me happy.

Nov 21: Pinterest. Ob-freaking-sessed.

Nov 22: Laughing. Like really, genuinely laughing.

Nov 23: A good pair of fingernail clippers

Nov 24: Leftover turkey sandwiches at my moms. Arguably the best thing ever.

Nov 25: My "eye" for things. I can usually tell if things look good/put things together well.

Nov 26: My house. Although I bitch about it all the time and I really hate it here, at least I have a warm place to sleep.

Nov 27: My parents. Emotional, mental, monetary support. Laughs. Lessons. I love that my mom was the "cool mom" and that she still keeps in touch with my friends. I love her talents, her laugh, and her creativity. I'm grateful for her example. She has taught me more than she will ever know, especially about the gospel, the Temple, and the Book of Mormon. My dads humor (we are mostly on the same page). He will drop anything to come help you - any time of day or night. I'm proud of his accomplishments in his career and working for Lehi City. I know he has a super stressful job, but he works with dignity. Both of them have spent so much time and money on me and my family and I am so grateful. I could go on and on.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T22:44:00.001-07:00

Things said on Thanksgiving that may or may not sound naughty......

Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants - I'll burst!!
That's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry - do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

Happt freaking Thanksgiving! :)

how freaking cute is THIS??

2011-11-18T22:05:00.001-07:00

Turn on your volume...

thankful thursday #4

2011-11-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

Nov 13: Mas-freaking-cara. I literally look like a completely different person without it. It is a blessing. A huge blessing.

Nov 14: All fonts that are NOT Times New Roman.

Nove 15: My in-laws. It is weird to even call them that, they are just my family. They are so patient and understanding and comforting. I love them! When I am down or having a bad day - it always makes me feel better to be with them. I used to be scared of Benj's dad when we were dating, and I also couldn't say his name (Blair - just feel awkward on the tongue), but I am over that and doing well. Love them!

Nov 16: Max's kisses. I don't know why he is so lovey-dovey, neither me nor Benj are. He gives us kisses good-bye everyday. He kisses babies. He kisses his cousins & uncles. He kisses the cat (RINGWORM???). He kisses his toys. Sweet boy.

Nov 17: Soldiers. I am SO dang proud to be an American. I love patriotism, I love the hard-ass, kick-ass, truly GOOD men and women of the armed forces. Everytime I see a solider around (airport, etc) I want to run up and hug them and tell them thank you (and my mom DOES!). I just think they are amazing and I am greatful for each and every one of them.

thankful thursday #3

2011-11-12T21:40:00.001-07:00

Nov 10: Gas stations that have a "put your lid on and get your straw" area. I hate when there is no place to prepare. I'm already in a panic wanting to get it in my belly - so I'm grateful for stations who have designated, clean, lid & straw areas.

Nov 11: Del Taco Chili Cheese Fries. When I have a bad day, a really bad one, or I'm pissed = chili cheese fries. It really is like maybe once a month - but man, yummm. I know, I'm fat.

Nov 12: That my freaking car is paid off. Serisouly.

thankful thursday #2

2011-11-09T20:28:00.002-07:00

Again, I know it isn't Thursday.

Nov 7: Snow/winter. I love it. I hate the heat and sweat and heat. I love cozy houses, hoodies, snowmobiling, red-tipped noses, warm socks, leaves - the whole bit. Can't wait.

Nov 8: My washer and dryer. My parents bought them for us for our wedding - nothing fancy - but they have worked well and I'm so glad we have our own and they aren't the landlords, so we can take them with us. I would die if I had to go to a laundry-mat. Die.

Nov 9: My job. Not to be cliche - but really. I've had some ups and downs with it in the past 2 years, but in general - it is amazing. I have a great boss who is sweet and super flexible. I have such AMAZING co-workers!! I love the girls on my team!! I am also lucky to work hand-in-hand with one of my best friends Amanda and also my sister. Seriously, I love each one of them! Plus the rest of the staff, and the providers! We have awesome CNM's and a NP who will knock your socks off - not to mention 3 amazing doctors. I love all of them. I love womens health - love to hear about it, be around it, visit with the patients, I love all of it. I miss being a coder sometimes. A lot. But I am loving what I do. I am super lucky to have such a good job. I feel bad for Benj and for people who don't love their job - it makes my life easier to have a job I like.

thankful thursday

2011-11-06T21:34:00.001-07:00

I know it isn't Thursday - but it sounds better than "Thankful Sunday"

I guess I'll go ahead and do the whole 'write something I'm thankful for every day until Thanksgiving' thing that everyone is doing on Facebook. I can't bring myself to do it there. Let me just get it out in the open that I am grateful for my family, friends, the gospel, etc. I think it almost goes without saying. I'm going to focus on more specific things.

Nov 1: I'm grateful for how Max says "I lub oo" (I love you) and "ank oo" (thank you). It melts my icy heart and makes me happy that he understands and can talk and is on track for his age. I love it.

Nov 2: Lysol Wipes.

Nov 3: My fertility. No, I'm not trying, for hell sakes. I just see so much infertility around me, especially working where I do, and am so grateful I don't have to go through that. I was able to get pregnant twice, and some people don't ever have that experience. Although it has been HARD (the pregnancies, the labor, and everything since), I am super grateful.

Nov 4: Dr. Pepper. I know it sounds vain, but man, there are some days I literally cannot get through without it.

Nov 5: Good medical insurance. I have fairly good covereage. We have A LOT of prescriptions and I see a psych once a damn week, just for basics. Let alone sick visits, Max stuff, etc. Super glad we have insurance.

Nov 6: My sisters. We go thru phases where we don't talk as much as others, but I am so lucky to have them both. I have learned a ton from both of them. More than anything they are an awesome support to me. They are always there for me without question. And, they are freaking funny.

glow sticks in the tub

2011-11-01T19:53:00.001-06:00

Apparently, you have to have a cool camera - or be really cool and know what you are doing, to take pictures of glowsticks..... so there are some with flash and some without.....

He freaking loved it! And I love Pinterest!

Hallo-freaking-ween

2011-10-31T22:30:00.000-06:00

I was soooo excited for Halloween this year, until Friday. Panic set in. I hadn't really prepared a costume. I wanted for Max to have fun so bad. I was planning on going to the Legacy Center party and couldn't bring myself to do it. I was going to do trunk-or-treat the next day and couldn't do it. Anxiety. There is a "Halloween House" in AF I wanted to go take him to. HeeHaw farms. Nothing. I just broke right down. Thankfully he has an amazing babysitter who took him with her to the kids school parade, so he got a little taste of the holiday. I got home tonight and built up some energy and dressed him up. At first he wasn't having the hat part so I told him he could never ever play with Anna again if he took it off. He said "ok" and left it on the rest of the night (Call me a mean mom). I took him to Em's and attempted door to door trick or treating. He pretty much just ran around behind the big kids and eventually found a play slide in someones yard and stayed there. He didn't get the candy thing. We would knock on a door and he'd try to hand the people something out of his bag. Whatever. {My mom made the costume for my BROTHERS like 40 years ago, then Owen wore it when he was little - purty cute huh?}

isn't he cute?!

he got a dum-dum and that was all he wanted....

waiting for Oliva at my mom's gate.....

another sucker

He has a serious love/hate relationship with Miss Kitty. One minute he is body slamming her, the next, kissing her.

Getting pissed about the hat

annnnnd, he's done with it.

It all turned out just freaking fine. Benj was right when he said to take an Ativan and calm the hell down about it. Kinda glad it is over.....

the damn deer hunt

2011-10-31T21:56:00.002-06:00

It has taken so damn long to upload these pictures for some unknown reason, at this point I am way over the deer hunt. Let me try to muster up some excitement....

Ok... So Benj got a deer. Proud of him, but hate it. Hate deer meat, hate carcass hanging in the shop, hate boiling the freaking skull. Hate paying $$ to get it processed when we won't eat it. Hate.

Other than that, it was fun to camp and hang out. Max was a little sketchy at first, but ended up liking it. There are a thousand pictures and I am not going to even edit or comment on them in a fashion that I normally would. I just don't care.

2 funny stories though:

Some people we were with brought horses. Benj had already gotten his deer, so he was at camp alone one day. He wasn't asleep all damn day like any other normal person would be, so in his mind he thought it was a great idea to "saddle up" one of the extra horses. Mind you, he has never owned horses, probably only ridden a few times. He is smart enough, though. So he went and got the horse and led her over to the 4-wheeler trailer (easy access). He "saddled" her up and went to get on. She got a little skittish, and the saddle wasn't tight (since he DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING) and it slipped down under, with Benj, and then she stepped on his leg. I'm just picturing this, laughing my ass off. He serisouly kind of got hurt. Turns out, the horses name was Crazy Betty. Haha.

Soooo...we aren't hikers. Clearly. Benj is so flipping lucky, all 3 deer he has gotten have been like 20 yards away from his damn 4-wheeler. Anyway, so the boys go out opening morning. Benj's dad made them get off the wheelers and hike. Of course, Benj is pissed off. It's freaking 6AM, which is annoying anyway, and now they are freaking hiking. So they start up. About 3 minutes into it Benj is ripping off clothes cause he is hot. At one point he took off his gear and stashed it behind a tree. Dripping sweat, legs burning, ticked off. They get to the "halfway" point and his dad says that was the worst of it. The rest a minute and off they go again. No shit, they were full on scaling the mountain. All 4's - that's right, it was that steep. He didn't say it but I think Benj all but took his shirt OFF. Like rock climbing. He was so pissed. By the time they got to the top, he is screaming at his dad "MY ASS that was the hardest part!!" Then the rest of the day he pretty much tried to sleep on the ground and couldn't; rock in his back, hot, cold, noise, hungry, etc. He ended up just freaking going back to camp. It wasn't that specific drive home, but one drive home he just "stumbled" upon a buck....

Me and Max just came up during the days and played. I brought chalk and we colored on rocks and logs (I liked it more than anyone.....) but we had fun. We made breadsticks on the fire, roasted lil smokies & s'mores, and went on 4-wheeler rides (me and Benj went on a 100 mile ride on the damn RESERVE tank. Yeah, we are smart like that. I told him had we run out and I had to hike home, I's just take my pants off so my white ass was showing, take all my orange off and lay down in the weeds to get shot.)

I was so pissed when I drove up and saw this.

Aren't they cute?!

Whittling

My awesome log.

He played in Wesleys truck for a good solid hour. Loves trucks!!

Add caption

my favorite pic!

my dad

2011-10-26T22:20:00.000-06:00

I have a bunch of deer-hunt pictures and stories and am having a hard time getting them uploaded - soooo, I thought I'd share a funny or two about my dad. In leiu of the Halloween season, I memory came to mind. It was 2007. Me and my mom and dad were on vacation in California. We were on a beautiful beach at sunset. My mom had her pants rolled up and was searching for seashells in the surf. My dad and I were sitting on a big rock, just talking. There was a slight breeze. It fell quiet for a bit and then he says, as he points to a bowling ball sized rock, "Have you ever wanted to pick up a rock and just bash someones skull in?" Now don't take this as a creepy thing, he was totally being a smart-ass; I assure you he isn't violent. Do you see where I get my randomness/drama?? Also, he came to visit me at work the other day, but wanted me to come outside to talk to him because he didn't want to get "pap-smeared". Oh, daddy!

cabin trip

2011-10-05T22:04:00.001-06:00

my cutie patutie workin on the deck

watchin daddy

watching the kids

the whole trip - Max about 20 feet behind the big kids...

that kid loves a broom!

4-wheeling with grandma (he looks extra owl-ish here)

wearin uncle Wes' hat

There is a squirrel at the cabin - VERY friendly. We made him a little "house" out of the water pipe cover thing. This fall, he has moved.....

to the new woodshed! cute house, eh?

Max's cousin Brylee

Max's cousin KJ

We love the cabin! Can't wait for snow + snowmobiling!

dyshidrolic exzema

2011-10-01T13:13:00.001-06:00

This is my lovely "dishydrolic exzema" 3 weeks into treatment. They look worse in real life. Benj, who isn't real compassionate, even feels bad for me.

Want. To. Die.

Actually, I really want to cut them off and freaking put them in a garbage disposal and feed the shredded pieces to a homeless freaking dog. It hurts so bad. Cannot bend fingers. Look like I have leprosy. That open spot you see serisouly goes down to my bone.

Please pray for me.

more from pinterest......

2011-09-28T21:20:00.001-06:00

So we did colored ice cubes in the bath tonight; another idea courtesy of Pinterest :)

He freaking loved it! Put them all in one bucket, held one and looked at it until it melted, ate some, put them all in another cup, ate some more. We will do this again. I thought it might stain the tub a little but it didn't at all.

{The flash obvisouly only worked on a few - making the rest of the pictures look shitty}

I love Pinterest! It makes me a better mom!! Hiya!

p.s. my brother and sister lovingly told me I really needed to change my blog because they couldn't read it -slash- it looked crappy. I hope they are satisfied.

p.s.s the comments on the last post from "Sarah" are really from my mom. I was signed in at her house and she didn't know. Just to clear that up; I don't comment on my own posts, although I am desperate for comments sometimes.

p.s.s.s. speaking of which, she CANNOT leave comments on blogs. She has made like 30 google accounts because it keeps telling her her password is wrong, makes her re-type the whole thing, etc (that is why she was so excited she could post). Anyone know what the hell?

happy birfday!

2011-09-27T20:24:00.000-06:00

From my sweet hubby :) He has a whole line of *owl jewelry coming from China... (it's cheap there, that is just his style, leave him alone. At least he remembered.) + he did laundry and deep cleaned the closet :)

And from my parents.... my mom was very saddened by the earlier pic of I posted when my last guy died. She understands the need. **

I was spoiled by in-laws and sisters too - it was a great day!

* My latest obsession is Owls. Mostly because Max looks EXACTLY like one, but I think they are cool. NOT real ones necessarily, but I like the jewelry/decor. Well there was a cool barn owl at the zoo. I just don't want it to fly. If they just sit there and move thier head side to side and "whoo" I'm good.

** Those who are wondering WHEN I will ever get my 13 inch roots fixed and get a damn hair cut, it is coming soon. I promise. Then, my friends, I will use my new friend: Chi-Chi.

Balllllooooooons

2011-09-27T13:03:00.000-06:00

This is what has been going on the last hour. At least.

proud mama

2011-09-25T20:41:00.001-06:00

This, folks, is where Max houses all his prized possesions, his favorite toys, his "go-to" toys. His Buzz car.

I'd like to point out who's picture is there......

He likes his mom :)

love, actually

2011-09-21T18:21:00.000-06:00

I got this from www.loveactually-blog.blogspot.com (which has some cute stuff on it, by the way, like this http://loveactually-blog.blogspot.com/2010/11/12-lays-of-christmas.html, but I don't know if I am quite up for it...) and thought it was freaking funny/soo true and wanted to share.

It's been a long day. You've changed 43 poopy diapers, 27 of which were full-on blow-outs. You swept up cheerios, grass, and McDonald's toys at least 15 times already. You've made several small meals for the kids, listened to endless complainings and wants, and still haven't showered. There is mold growing on the grout in your shower, dust on the blinds, piles of laundry, and the garbages are overflowing. You start to notice that your armpits stink, and there might possibly be mold growing on you.

You begin to organize the 3 foot stack of papers on the kitchen counter....throw some out, file others, hang some on the fridge, etc. Meanwhile, a little rascal spills orange juice on the floor then slips in it and cries. Another kid is begging for you to take him to his friends house. You lose your organizing focus and realize you have been eating half the pan of brownies that was left out. You wish for a second that you were bulimic but instead decide you are done eating for the rest of the day...except for green beans.

You clean up the orange juice, wipe away tears, and run the dude to his friends house and run out of gas. The cell phone rings and the school needs you to make 3 dozen cookies for the end-of-the-year party, and could you attend to help out? Ugh, another poopie diaper. You can smell it all the way home. At least for a while...then your nose just gets used to it.

You pull out the Hamburger Helper and suddenly, the man responsible for all of this madness walks in the door, drops another foot of papers onto the pile, grabs your butt and asks if you have a minute. You look at him like, "Are you kidding me?" He tells you that it has been 2 days, 6 hours, and 39 minutes since "it" happened last and he's sick of waiting. You give him a nasty look and he gets upset and says that he's not in the mood anymore. Your nasty look ruined it. He's mad. At least the brownies were good.

He goes and turns on golf, super loud, and falls asleep. You go turn it off and he instantly wakes up and says he was watching it. You roll your eyes, sweep the floor again, and then roll your eyes some more. Not only have you had a stressful day but the hubby thinks your a jerk and isn't helping out at all. Ugh...what to do? Run away while everyone is sleeping? See if Wal-greens sells arsenic? Curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb? You purposely let your husband stay mad so you can avoid "pleasing him" as long as you can. Cause, frankly...you're too tired and so not in the mood. You're even thinking about making him mad again tomorrow.

Please say this sounds familiar. Not that it does to me...at all. I'm just totally creative, that's all...I would never be happy to get "off the hook" with my husband. I mean, seriously. How rude would that be? Besides, I'm horny all the time. It's out of control. Oh, and what luck! I found a picture that reminds me so much of us! See below...
Hahhhaaa - I can so relate!!

a craft and a complaint

2011-09-16T20:56:00.000-06:00

I saw this on Pinterest (surprise!) and it really isn't that cute and I thought Max might be a little too old, but he freaking loved it. Just tied a bunch of scraps of fabric, an old tie of Benj's, a sock, and a strand of beads at the end. Shove it in and he gets to pull it out. He was all sorts of excited. Don't mind my ugly carpet and Max's weird toenail. I don't know what is wrong with it. Whatever.

And this. I just cannot take it. I don't want to share the road. I want them to get on the damn sidewalk like the good old days. I want to hit them with my car is what I really want to do. I don't know the "rules" of bikers, but everything about it just pisses me off. I hate that they ride in car lanes, especially when they go way slower than us. I hate that they blinker with thier arms. I hate thier spandex. I hate that they ride on roads with no shoulders so we all have to freaking slow down and swerve into oncoming traffic so that we can "share the road". Hate it. I actually have two fairly good friends who are bikers and I just don't even really care. I still want to hit them.

Harriet Carter

2011-09-15T13:59:00.000-06:00

I got this magazine today and was flipping through; I can't help but comment on a few of my favorites:

Nail Perfect™ (C4627)

Nail Perfect™ gives you a salon-perfect manicure without the salon prices! Hand rest makes it easy to apply nail polish cleanly and evenly—just slide each finger into the appropriate size nail slot and brush. Polish only goes onto the exposed nail surface! Keeps your hand steady, too! Includes a holder for your polish bottle, sizing discs, built-in storage area, 200+ nail decals. 5" diam. x 3½" H.

Ok, if you can't paint your nails without getting it all over your skin (see insert picture), you are an idiot.

Out of breath? Lung cream helps relieve wheezing, coughing and shortness of breath, so you feel better fast! Powerful herbal formula contains ingredients known to thin mucus, control phlegm build-up and help restore normal breathing. Simply rub onto chest; works in minutes! Ideal for colds, bronchitis, asthma, emphysema and smoker's cough. 4 oz. jar.

Ok, if you CAN'T BREATHE, you need to see a physician. Not order "Lung Cream" out of a Harriet Carter magazine. Good hell.

Kegel Exerciser

Super kegel exerciser helps tone and strengthen pelvic floor muscles that aid bladder control. Regular use of this resistance exerciser helps ease incontinence-related “accidents”, slims and tightens thighs, buttocks and lower abdominal muscles. For men and women. Vinyl-coated stainless steel with adjustable tension setting. Includes instructions and exercise chart. 9" L.

Oh. My. Hell. I about died when I saw this. Borderline masturbation. Horrrrrible picture!!! YOU DO KEGEL'S ALONE, PRIVATE, WITHOUT ACCESSORIES!!

Easy Feet™ & Foot Wash

Easy Feet™ cleans, massages & exfoliates your feet from heel to toe ... without bending or stretching! Brush attaches to any tub or shower floor with built-in suction grips. Over 1000 rejuvenating bristles gently clean top and bottom of feet. Built-in pumice stone smoothes rough and cracked heels. Enhance the experience with invigorating Pepermint Foot Wash!

Yeah, this is actually pretty awesome. Especially for us fatties who can't bend over! Ha!

If this held cans - I'd get one. And I'd wear it, seriously. It actually would really help.

Fat Magnet (E4644)

Amazing fat magnet removes excess fat & grease from foods in seconds! Here’s a great way to cut calories and make healthier meals: just place fat magnet in freezer till cold, then glide over surface of hot, greasy foods. The chilled metal surface changes the fat to a solid on contact, making it easy to remove. It’s that simple! Use it for stews, soups, gravies, sauces, chili and more. Easy to clean. 6" H x 4¼" diam.

Yeah, that is pretty freaking sick.

If you can't put on mascara without a "shield" - again, you are an idiot.

Toilet Tissue Aid (C9374)

Easy-to-use bathroom aid extends your reach. Ergonomically-designed bathroom aid features a soft, flexible head that grips bath tissue or pre-moistened wipes securely and easily. Provides a sense of personal independence and assures discretion. Ideal for arthritis sufferers and others with limited range of motion. Unique quick-release button allows for fast, sanitary disposal. ABS plastic with silicone grip and pad. 15¾" L.

Now, at first glance, this is ridiculous. However, when I was prego and HUGE, I actually thought about buying this. You HAVE to wipe, and wipe good, and if you can't reach.....Just sayin.

Furniture Risers. Yeah, they look pretty safe.

Landscape Curtains

Transform any wall or window into a room with a view! Create your very own oasis with these landscape panel pairs—all you need is a curtain rod! Two-panel design fits a window or wall up to 70" wide. Set of two 36" x 84" panels have 3" rod pocket; hardware not included. Wrinkle-resistant polyester/cotton fabric is machine washable. Imported.

And finally, one of my favorites. Seriously?

if momma 'aint happy, 'aint nobody happy

2011-09-15T13:35:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so I'm over the 30 days of truth thing.

In counseling today - a brilliant metaphor was brought up. I'd like to share.

You've all heard the saying - If momma aint happy, aint nobody happy", right? This is sooooo true. And not just in a funny way, but really. The mom is kind of like the "hub" of the family. Everything runs through her, over her, under her, she knows about it, she's in the middle of it, she did it, etc. We are like a 16 oz cup. Benj is a straw and Max is a straw and they are constantly sucking (not in a bad way). In my case, I have a few leaks in my cup in addition to the sucking (depression, anxiety, Bi-Polar), thus, I feel constantly drained. To feel better, I need to find things that make me happy (there are very few right now) and fill up the cup. I need help and reinforcement from Benj. I need to be positive. All these things to fill 'er up. As far as the leaks, I need to patch them with coping methods, medication, therapy.

Anyway, it really hit me and made sense. I hope you enjoyed it - hehe!

day 27 - what is the best thing going for you right now?

2011-09-09T19:26:00.000-06:00

Definately my job. I love the girls I work with, love what I do, love the break from being home, love the flexibility, love working with pregnant patients and women. Love uterus's, va-jay-jay's, boobs, cervix's! Love!

Just thought I'd throw a few pregnancy pictures in from awkwardfamilyphotos.com - enjoy!

Really? My mom will hate this. You do, don't you mom??

A Wal-Mart studio best seller. He wants to impregnate her again RIGHT. NOW.

Daddy's got a gun!

Tire? Anyone??

day 26 - have you ever thought about giving up on life?

2011-09-07T20:15:00.003-06:00

If you have read my blog before, you know the answer. I don't want to talk about it.

I heard the Brad Paisley song "Letter to Me" and it got me thinking. I want to write a letter to me when I was young.

Dear young me,

A few words of advice from a much older, smarter you :)

To prove it's me, I know what you did with the rock in the window. Enough said.

Don't be such a slut. By the time you hit High School, the "guys you've kissed" list ends up in the mid 40's. Not impressive to anyone, especially your future hubby, who is the only one who matters in the end.
BE NICE! People are scared of you!! You will feel bad later in life when you hear of people who ran from you or cried because of you. Knock it off. You aren't that cool.
Your boobs are awesome. They will sag like a rock in a sock later, so wear 'em proud (but don't let guys touch!).
Don't slow down after High School. I know you probably want to "take a break" and whatever, but don't. You have potential to do great things. Go to college. And stay there.
Quit going tanning. It's ok for prom (Jr. Prom, you will fall in love and look hot and tan, by the way.....), other than that, stop it. Your best friend gets skin cancer about it. Not worth it.
Wear a bikini and like it.
ENJOY Drilll Team. It is one of the best things that will ever happen to you. Learn, grow, relish. Awesome.
When you go on a date with David Berry, keep your damn eyes on the road. If you don't, you will total your dad's new Honda Pilot. And you are right, he doesn't like you.
While we are talking about that - be a better driver in general. A day comes, my dear, when daddy doesn't pay car insurance anymore. What is car insurance, you say? It is a big fat chunk of change is what it is. And the shittier you drive the more it is. And let's just say by 25, your driving record isn't "clean" per se.
Be nice to your mom and dad. They really are freaking cool. And funny. And they really like you. And they will REALLY help you a lot when you need it later.
You will have a hard break-up. It will actually haunt you for years. Sorry to bring bad news, haha. It will be hard not to mope. But don't. It isn't attractive to anyone. But just so you know the tears will stop, the pain will ease, and the memories will fade. You weren't meant to be, you'll find someone else, really, you will.
You will have a ton of health problems in the future. Take care of yourself better and some of them might not be so bad.
You will stay friends with your friends. They will always be there. Treat them good.
You are pretty. You are. You won't always be, so enjoy it. Be confident.
You know that nerdy kid in your ward Benji? Yeah, well, be nice to him........
Being "responsible" sucks. One word: BILLS. Enjoy being young and carefree.
SAVE YOUR $$. Don't spend just cause you have it. Start a savings account. Please. I'm begging you.
You are going to start balding. No shit.
You will do pretty well at staying active in the church. The more the better. You'll need all the help and good influence you can get.
Pretty much in 15 years most of America will be taken over by spanish speaking people. Pay. Attention. In. Broadheads. Class.
You probably think this is crazy (no pun intended), but if you ever go to the ER because you are feeling crazy, don't let them put you in a psych unit. No, I am not kidding.
Keep on keepin on. You should see your little boy! He is the cutest thing ever! Cuter than your nieces and nephews! Seriously!

That's all for now kiddo. hang in there.

Love, old me!

color game for Max

2011-09-05T20:49:00.001-06:00

I've been pretty much living on Pinterest......thought maybe I'd actually DO one of the crafts...!

Got a 6 part container (at Pioneer Party.... :) taped cardstock colors in the bottom of the bins, found some tiny toys that matched, and wha-la! It even has a lid so we can clean up and put it away! Woo!

day 25 - the reason you believe you are still alive today

2011-09-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

In no particular order.....

MEDS!!!
A promise to Benj
Max
Therapy

day 24 - also dumb, am skipping. We went to the ZOO!

2011-09-03T22:43:00.000-06:00

(make a playlist for someone and explain why you chose those songs. Not dumb I guess, just time consuming and I'm not in the mood)

Some kind of skunk flying monkey. Creep-city.

Barn Owl. Way cool.

This guy would change poses every few minutes. Like dramatic ones. Next he'd hang from his tail, then he was on his hind legs with his arms flexed in the air. He knows he is at the zoo, for sure. Like the lion on Madagascar.

I'd just like to point out right after I took this picture, a damn CHICKEN shuffled out of the bush next to me and flapped around in my face. HATED IT.

Baby elephant Zuri in the background :)

He was totally playing a game with a bug on the rock. Poor guy, must have been bored out of his mind.

CREEPY LEEMER!!!

Love this!

Notice he is well over 16 feet... it was kind of wierd, he was standing in a tiny pile of dirt and right under a fan. Poor guy. And it WAS a guy.....

This dude (also, for sure a dude) was going to town licking the wall (see movie below)

His friend (not pictured) was freaking out flapping his HUGE freaky ostrich wings the whole time. I can't think of anything worse than a huge flapping bird that runs really fast.

Linx

I like this guy. Even though he kind of looks like Obama....

Sick!

These 2 were GETTIN IT ON!

Thought they were kangaroos. But they aren't.

gater

his tummy was sooooo wide.....

unknown monkey/chimp/baboon/ball of sleeping fur

baby flamingo

I hate birds.

Looks like a house cat. Could prob eat you though, that is the difference.

Pretty colors!

I hate that he can run fast.

Fox

Another cool owl. Couldn't get good lighting.

I shit you not, you could ride this. He was HUGE. There was a kangaroo in there with him and it looked like a freaking mouse next to him. Holy hell.

Merry-go-round! Didn't think he'd go for it - but he liked it! (See movie below)

Nose.....

eyes.....

teeth.....

Huge ape, very far away. (This is zoooomed).

Close, but no cigar. Arms shorter and about 300 pounds lighter. Isn't he cute? He really kind of looks ape-ish.

Nipples.

Isn't this a pretty picture? She was just hanging out on the grass in the middle of nowhere.

Another show-off. Notice his wang.....

Pein-dog anyone?

Getting ready for the much looked forward to train ride.

Horrible horrible terrible no good bats.

Hell. A few minutes after this picture, Benj and I looked away for like literally 4 seconds to look at a scorpion glowing in the dark....Max was gone. We searched that mole hole for a good 5 minutes, panic.

Came out of the mole hole and found this......Happy as could be in the freaking log.

Out like a light once his head hit the seat.

It was actually really fun! Sad there were no bears or zebras, but other than that, great times! Zoo + college football = a great day today!

day 23 - something you need to let go or wish you didn't know

2011-09-01T22:02:00.000-06:00

I wish I didn't know about child abuse. I cannot even fathom how a gorwn adult can hurt a child. And bad. Like to the point of death about it. I've smacked Max a few times, but not super hard, mostly just a spank to let him know I'm serious. But I can't imagine beating a child. The story of little Ethan really pissed me off/hurt me. I Don't know what would posess a person, a parent at that, to do such horrible things as beat him in the head, burn him in water, drug him, dismember him, etc. HOW?? I've been pissed before - and frustrated - but be an adult. Control yourself for hell sakes.

Sexual abuse, on the other hand, I can hardly talk about. I think of my sweet niece and can't even dream of a man taking her and abusing her that way. The story of Jaycee Dugar that I just read too - 11 years old and raped over and over, horribly (and then PREGNANT!) I think sex offenders should be put to death, or at the very least have their genitals removed + prison for life. I hate that some people get away with it or just get 5 years and get off in 2 for "good behavior". If the jail is crowded - start killing the worst crime guys. It isn't a hard choice. Simple really. I could go on about that.

Anyway, the point is I hate hearing about child abuse. Bad. I wish I didn't know.

skipping day 21 cause it is dumb

2011-08-31T21:35:00.000-06:00

Day 22 - something you wish you hadn't done in your life

1. I wish I didn't neglect Terris so much while she was battling cancer. I only visited her a few times. We were very close growing up - she was a HUGE part of my life and my childhood and I wish I'd have been there for her at the end.

2. Been so dang skanky and rude to people in Jr. High.

3. Gone to SUU after high school. Not ONE good thing came of it. I hated every second of it. All my problems seemed to stem from there or that time period. I wish I'd been close to family and friends during that time. HATE. (Glad Sheriece was with me though!)

day 20 - my view on drugs and alcohol

2011-08-30T22:01:00.002-06:00

Well, obviously, I don't think anyone would have much of a different answer than they are stupid. The are bad for your body, addicting, and ruin lives. We have all seen it. I've seen it in my family and with friends and just random people I don't know. I see patients at work who are in the gribbing hands of addiction. Losing thier family, their lives. It is horrible. They turn people into different people. They make people do things they normally wouldn't. They impair judgement. They take away free agency. No good.

On the other hand, at my low points, I have read up on, reasearched, looked into trying some things. I felt so alone and wanted soooooo badly to feel anything different than what I was feeling I was almost willing to try something, just to alter my mood. I felt desperate, like I needed an out, and at that point I didn't care. I didn't care that it was breaking the Word of Wisdom, I didn't care about the effect it might have on my family, my job, etc. I just wanted to escape the horrible, crushing depression.

But I didn't :)

day 19 (er....26, er whatever) what do you think of religion

2011-08-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

Sooo, obviously I'm behind. Whatever.

Religion. I'm LDS. I swear a lot, but, yes, I'm LDS and active :) I believe that this is the only true church on the earth right now and that Joseph Smith Jr. restored it. I believe the Book Of Mormon to be true and I love to study and read it. I love prayer and have a testimony of the power of it. I also have a huge testimony of tithing. I was sealed in the temple for time and ALL ETERNITY to my hubby and Max is sealed to us and I love it!

Religion in general I think is good. I think a set of values and morals and looking to a higher being is usually a good thing. There are a lot of good churches (and people) out there, they just don't have ALL the info, if ya know what I mean... :)

On the other hand, there are some whck-job religions out there right now.......good luck to them on judgement day.

day 18 - my views on gay marriage

2011-08-27T18:36:00.000-06:00

Touchy subject in the world right now. My view is simple - no I don't believe in it. I believe marriage is between a man and woman - period. It doesn't mean I hate gays or I don't want them to be happy, etc, etc, I just think marriage is for a guy and gal. I'll leave it at that.

day 17 - what if you found out you were pregnant, what would you do?

2011-08-26T22:10:00.000-06:00

SHIT WOULD HIT THE FAN!!! It would not be good. I am NOT at all in a mental or physical place to have another baby. Someone would end up dead for sure. And I'm not talking abortion.

Sad.

Love my IUD!

day 16 - a book you have read recently

2011-08-26T22:07:00.000-06:00

I haven't read in a long time. My dad had this on his Kindle and I thought it sounded interesting. Holy hell. I am about ahlfway through and it just makes me sick. Phillip is one JACKED UP A-HOLE!! So glad they found her!

day 15 - something you could not live without

2011-08-26T22:04:00.000-06:00

No, really. Like I would have full on physical symtpoms. I am addicted.

day 14 - something you could live without

2011-08-26T22:03:00.000-06:00

Chapstick. Don't ever use it. Hate it when I do use it.

day 13 something you wish you had done in your life

2011-08-26T22:01:00.000-06:00

For sure wish I had kept the momentum going that I had in high school, after high school. I kinda slowed down and it really set me up for some bad craaaaap. I don't think i'd be where I am had I just put a little more effort in and stayed in school, stayed active, etc.

Lake Powell

2011-08-25T12:09:00.000-06:00

I only had my camera the first day - then I lost it. So this is only one days worth.....

Max did really well, despite the fact he had an ear/sinus infection the whole time (found out yesterday!)

Notice Benj looking like an Arab......

Napping was easy - we just put him in the nose of the boat and it rocked him to sleep :)

Hate catfish/carp/whatever they are. Gross.

This was our day sanctuary. The closest arch was our swimmin hole. It was awesome!

Benj said this looked like a penis and to take a picture.....

THANK GOODNESS FOR GRANDMA!!!!! They loveeeee each other!!

My head got fried, despite my attepmt to shade it....

My cute boys!

Our beach

We went to visit the "Defiant House" and defiantly, I didn't want to go. You had to hike up to it and I am NNNOOOOTTT a hiker. Especially in 115 degree heat at 300 lbs. It was really neat though, a little Indian dwelling at the tope of this ledge.

Them Indians must have been short.....Blair is just a tiny guy and couldn't fit in the door.

It was a fun trip all in all! Thanks Blair and Tam for taking us! I know I am missing a ton of details....but we had fun!

catch up

2011-08-23T12:16:00.001-06:00

Day 7 - someone who has made your life worth living: Quite literally, Max & Benj.

Day 8 - someone who has treated you bad: I have been quite blessed really. Most of those around me are good to me, I try to weed out the rest. I have had a few patients at work come unglued at me about their bill....

Day 9 - something that makes you mad: LOL - I have a ton of things that piss me off {SEE SIDEBAR OF PET PEEVES}! I don't know if mad is really the right word, but I cannot tolerate animal cruelty. Can't. It makes me sick/sad/upset. I have pretty bad road rage when I'm worked up. Obama really pisses me off right now.

Day 10 - something people seem to compliment you the most on: Max. Everywhere I go someone says something about his eyes and how beautiful they are. Then they look at me and Benj to see where they come from and as they stare at me it gets all awkward because they didn't come from me really, mine are blue, but not like his blue. Also, I get compliments on my writing/writing style a lot.

Day 11 - something you don't seem to get compliments on: this is a tough one. Most of the time I think I get complimented and recongnized for what I do right/good. Sometimes I feel like I am a better mom than some think, but maybe it is just better than it was, but really it isn't good. I don't know.

Day 12 - A band/artist that has gotten you through some tough days: I'm not a huge music listener when I am down. I SLEEP. Monster Ballads always made me happy though. Country music got me through the hardest breakup of my life. Don't want to go into details.....

my bi-polar baby

2011-08-17T18:50:00.001-06:00

Playing with monkey toy at restaurant, jovial........

Hysterical. Had to leave and drive him around.

Takes after his mommy :)

P.S., I will be gone for 4 days, so I'll catch up lata

day 6 - something you hope you never have to do

2011-08-17T18:38:00.000-06:00

The first thing that comes to mind is this:

Hiking up a steep rocky area, in mid August, in Arizona, on day one of my period with only a pad (no tampon), without my sweating medicine, with a toddler. And a huge moth attacks me. Horrible.

But really, I hope I never have to be a single mom. I don't know if I could do it.

day 5 - something you hope to do

2011-08-16T12:15:00.000-06:00

Three things:

I hope to get my issues under control enough to have another/more babies. I do make cute ones. Don't even argue with me, because I know he is cute and I would know if he wasn't. I am aware he sometimes has the "Ekins" look come out, which isn't good, but overall he is damn cute.
I hope to, again, get my issues under control enough and have the opportunity to go back to school and become an L&D nurse. Dream job.
Also, I hope to be normal weight again sometime. I'm not even asking for skinny, just normal.

day 4 - something you need to forgive someone for

2011-08-15T21:47:00.001-06:00

Well, a few things come to mind, a few of which I cannot talk about on this blog because I know who reads it and it involves them......which leaves of course the jerk-off boys in 7th grade. The two standouts are Jon Hatch and Shane Wilbur. They were so freaking rude to me. Everytime I'd walk by them or one of their friends they would yell "RuPaul", throw things at me, constantly mock and make fun. Shane even spit on me once. I remember missing the bus more than once because they would throw pop bottles at me while I ran to the bus. I got reamed in the head pretty good once. Whatever, but that is when the depression really got bad. 7th grade sucks, for anyone, but they made it especially hard. I missed a good 3 months of school I think due to struggling with self-esteem and bullying. I have had a hard time forgiving them, still to this day. Benj grew up with Jon and they are actually still friends and I have such a hard time even accepting that. I know I need to forgive and forget, but I can't help but think they got the stone rolling that has now turned into a mountain. I know I need to forgive them and get past it. They were immature 8th grade boys. Jon is really a nice kid now. I am a big girl (literally) and need to grow up and get over it. It was a long time ago. I'm sure it would help me in my journey if I did.

Day 3 - something you need to forgive yourself for

2011-08-14T12:23:00.000-06:00

Soooo....when all my medical problems started happening in 2003, some things were out of my control, some were in my control. Obviously something extreme was going on hormonally with my body that I couldn't control. Yes, maybe had I kept rigorously exercising like I had been for drill, maybe if I had eaten a little better, maybe if I had kept up with studying scriptures, praying, etc etc, it wouldn't have gotten as bad. I still to this day beat my self up for that. And to top it off, it is still going, every day. Maybe if I had exercised today, maybe if I had played a little more with Max, or read him one more book, etc, etc. It is hard for me to accept that the whole thing isn't my fault and I am where I am because of me.

Another thing I need to let go of is my perception of me being a mom. I feel like such a horrible mom. I feel guilty all the time that I brought Max into this situation, mostly because I "wanted a baby". I clearly wasn't ready, and that it not fair to him. Of course I will try not to, but I am sure any time anything goes wrong in his life I will contribute it, as least a little, to me not being an adequate mom.

I am hard on myself for a lot of things. Some I feel are valid, others, maybe not. I wish I could learn to be nice to myself and accept things. I have felt better about things going through therapy that if I know in my heart I am trying my best, I feel ok about things. My best sucks usually, but if I honestly know I am trying, it makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Hell, this is turning into a big counseling session.

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

2011-08-13T23:07:00.001-06:00

Well, it's a shitty day for this post. Worst day I've had in a long time.

If I had to chose, I'd say my ability to make people laugh and feel comfortable. I think I'm a pretty good people person, when I'm up for it.

30 days of truth

2011-08-12T21:46:00.004-06:00

I know, I know, it isn't as cool as witty Bachelorette commentary, but a friend of mine is doing this, a good friend, and I am learning stuff I didn't know! So, here goes:

Day #1
Something you hate about yourself:
Wow, where to start. Bad question to ask a depressed person. I guess really, that is it, the depression. It has ruined my life. It has hurt Benj, my family, and I'm sure Max. I hate hate hate it. I am working hard to get it under control. Even 1% better is still better (learned that in counseling!). I just hate that it is so hard on my family and friends and is so debilitating to me. I had so much potential and I hate that it is gone and a lot of it is my own fault. I wish I just had more willpower and more strength to control it. It is still so hard to get out of bed each day. After what, 15 years of dealing with it? Sometimes it is all I can do to just get through the day. Or the hour. Blah!!!

my little fish

2011-08-08T20:49:00.005-06:00

I took Max and his huge head to the Highland Splash Park again tonight. He can't even stand it he loves water so much! He has been sick-ish (I know, I prob shouldn't have taken him, don't judge me), but man that kid just has a ball. Today he caught on to climbing the little rocks and that is pretty much what we did - rock climb. (These are pics from my phone - not the best quality)

Aaaand, we both stepped in dog shit or throw up or something. The second video gets a good shot of it at the very end.

lucky duck

2011-08-05T23:19:00.000-06:00

Sooo... the last few years have really sucked for me personally. Buuuuut, I was just thinking and wanted to point out how blessed I am to have such an easy-peasy son. Minus his extremely large head coming out and causing irrepairable damage; the BIF and extra large right boob he left me, his reflux, and the first 10 days in the NICU (+ the normal kid stuff) - everything else with Max has really been fairly smooth.

He has always slept through the night - or at the very least 5-6 hours at a time. A HUGE blesseing for BiPolar working mom and full time working dad. I don't know what I would do, literally, if he wasn't such a good sleeper. AND, he never sleeps in my bed!
He seamlessly went from formula to milk.
He eats anything. Veggies, fruits, meat. He is a super good eater and will try most things. He is a good drinker. I try not to give him too much sugar and candy (minus DP) because I'm sure he will become fat one day; he's destined to, right?
His development has always been right on. He is growing great, talking and walking at the right times. He is a super smart little guy. Says words and colors, animal noises, etc. He even signs for food and drink (I didn't teach him, I don't know where it came from....). He is able to communicate really well. He doesn't have any weird hang-ups with talking/hearing/health, etc.
He doesn't fuss too much. If he is fussy, I can usually figure out what it is by talking it thru with him and we can fix it and he is fine. He is hardly ever ever ever whiney for no reason.
He has only been really sick once or twice. Nothing that wasn't cured with a preisthood blessing, motrin, and a day or two.
He is fairly active and entertains himself pretty good. He will watch TV, but not excessively. He is pretty good about playing on his own/with other kids. It is so hard when kids need to be constantly entertained!
He likes everyone. Even from a baby, he would go to anyone and be lovey and sweet. He loves people! I have been blessed, with an exception once or twice, that he will go to anyone (after moms screening, I'm not talking strangers), and be happy and nice.

I could go on and on. My point is, I don't know how I would have ever done it had he been a hard child. God knows what is going on, and he likes me enough to give me Max. I am so grateful for my little guy!

Bachelorette Finale: Jape takes the Cupcake

2011-08-03T21:58:00.001-06:00

I skipped the "Men Tell All" show - for obvious reasons. I did catch a few bits and pieces of it during commercials, which I will comment on. The most significant things being: Ames' orange spray on tan and polio (I know I said polio, not polo)shirt, ready and grinning for the Pachelor Pad, CH looks exactly, exactly, like an Eagle, and there is no need for Michele $$ to be there.

So I decided why these posts are getting more and more bland. The less people on the show, the less going on. Ashley and Ben are two of the most boring people alive and you can only say JP is cute and has weird shoes so many times. Soo, there you have it.

We start with CH saying "This is the moment we've all been waiting for" with a little sneer in his voice. We all know what he is really implying there.
More freaking shots of Fiji beaches.
Ashley, fresh off her latest course of antibiotics from the Fantasy Suite dates, meandering through the deep sand, repeating over and over "no regrets, yada, yada, amazing, yap, yap, not sure, blah blah" in her see thru tank and white pants.
You can tell the producers, those idiots controlling this shit, have told Ashley to pause and stare off into the distance a lot. You get a good example here as she boards the plane.
Again, Fiji is THE perfect place....
Ashley is so grateful her family came all the way here!! Not like #1 they had a choice, and #2 they prob wouldn't have come if ABC hadn't paid for the 4 of them to stay in a million dollar resort.
Her sister just patted her ass. Football game?
Woah nelly, rewind your DVR and check out mom's chest sweat. That is pretty sick. I am a sweater, but man, on national TV, I'd do whatever it takes (which, strangly enough, could just mean walking into the perfectly air-conditioned cabana right freaking behind them!)
Moms hair dye is melting onto her freaking arms.
Who the hell is that hoodlum with the towel over his face? They didn't introduce him.
JP looks military :)
"JP is first up to meet the family—or be prematurely judged harshly through the eyes of the oldest child of an abusive, alcoholic father who married someone just like him and has spent the last few years covering up her pain with tattoos and projecting her anger at an absent male role model and a failed marriage onto her little sister and anyone she dates."- Guy in Austin
Towel man? Brother? Yes. He is going to town with that towel. Why would they make then sit outside while it is clearly 200 degrees?
Poor kid. Looks like Balboa in between rounds with Russian man.
He needs that bottle of wine JP is carrying ASAP. He needs a few swigs before he full on passes out from dehydration.
Now Ashley has the towel.
Now Ashley is looking for her boobs. You see, as a normal civilian, even I would know to probably edit that out. Her, wiping the sweat off her chest, looking down her shirt, etc.
Notice sister isn't sweating. She's used to the heat on her little porch patio in hell.
She just cracked herself up.
Is that milk in those wine glasses?
Sister is hung up on the laugh question. ASHLEY is the one who didn't answer it "correctly", and sister thinks JP is now not the one.
Ashley starts crying her left eyelash off and fiddling with her bangs.
Mom is missing something. They haven't shown a frontal shot of her. She is slow.
INSECURE!!!!
She has no idea what she wants. I bet Ali had her mind made up in week 4, Ashley is one day away from proposal and still doesn't know.
Here's towel man. Little brother, 15 years? Gang? HYPERHYDROSIS!
Ash chews her face.
It literally must be 120 degrees.
Sister is kind of a bitch really.
She totally just laughed in his face.
She is pretty, minus the tats.
Wow, talk about judgemental!
This kind of explains why Ashley second guesses herself all the time. I bet living with that strong headed crazy does a number on your head.
"Proving that she’s an experienced ball buster, Kat Von B*tch doesn’t immediately go for J.P.’s jugular vein. Rather, she waits patiently like a cheetah in the high grass eyeing the smallest gazelle in the herd. That gazelle was Ashley and the editors took great pride in filling the space between the hunt and the pounce with naive quotes from Ashley about how comfortable she was having J.P. meet the family. Ashley reminded me of a cow running toward the slaughterhouse in search of fresh hay ignorant of the high pressured bolt gun in her sister’s tattooed hands. When she finally did emerge—fangs unfurled—from the bushes, I actually felt sorry for Ashley." -Guy In Austin
Ash needs approval sooooo badly!!
She is probably having flashbacks of thier childhood tea parties or whatever - getting bossed around and bitched at.
She should run down to the local Fijiian tattoo parlor and get the word TACT tattooed on her freaking forehead.
She clearly took the brunt of daddy's alcoholism issues growing up.
This conversation pissed me off :

ASH (to JP): I just need to figure it out.
JP: I thought you had it figured out......

This is the guy that put up with her, in general, but also 2 Bentley issues, a Ryan comeback, and a hell of a lot of face chewing. The least she could have done was reassure him a little.
I'd be pissed if I were him.
Drop her like a 2 foot putt.
Says a lot about her.
Did the mom and dad even talk to him?
Her fam is jacked up. Mom is 'slow', dad and bro didn't hardly say a word, and then there is sister...... and Ashley is clearly the step-sister.
Ashley, for like the 2nd time ever, brings up a good point. I don't want you to sugar coat things, just don't be a bitch.
High School girl fight.
This got out of order somehow (my timeline). Whatever.
Her gut reaction has been wrong before (meaning, it will always be wrong?) Dumb point tattoo.
Holy, rewind the DVR again. Moms hair, first of all it is in a fuzzy mullet ish style, but she has blonde horizontal stipes at the bottom there. Wow.
ABC leads us to believe JP won't propose.
They also lead us to believe, via 300 confidence comments from Ben - that he is the weiner. I mean winner.
Ok, does she even have pants on? She's just completely taken that right out of her wardrobe now.
Keep bringing up the elephant mural. She reallllllly liked that.
He is such a freaking dork.
He has stomach sweat. Don't wear a gray shirt when it is 300 degrees outside.
Her sister wanted to see the "real" Ashley with JP, which apparently involves monkey-like movements and "dog talk", so Ashley is giving it to her. Scripted.
If that right there was what sister was looking for to determine if Ben was the right one, so help me, something is very wrong here. Like it is not even funny.
Ben: this is a perfect example of why not to have your hair like you do. Sweat, curl, fuzz, makes your nostrils look way worse. Come on.
Sister just yelled "ballsy" hehe
Again, mom has something wrong. They just did a frontal shot and something is off. You know, like with Ames, you can just tell?
It is too hot to touch/hug. I am pissed just watching it. If Benj touches me when I am hot, he gets a bitch-slap.
Ben looks like a gay clown golfer in this little gettup. Whatever.
Did he just say "swimmingly"? I had to google it, but yes, it is a word.
Surprise! A helicopter!
I am sooo ready for this 2 hours to be over.
I have seen Fiji at least 4 times on a helicopter on this show. At least. Haven't I?
He's giving her a breast exam again.
Oh, she's giving herself one!
She full on just told him she wanted to give him a handy.
He has said "lube" at least 13 times.
I want to scream "la la la la la la la la la" and fast forward. I'm afraid I will be charged pay-per-view later for a 'entertainment' video. Good hell.
I need some hand sanitizer.
As a side note, a patient called in today and was talking about a colonoscopy and said her last one was was "kind of foul". Don't use that verbiage when talking about a colonoscopy. Really.
He is now sporting a mexi-stache.
NERD
He hopes things are "well received" - is that a sexual innuendo?
Again with his hair.
It is awkward when they say they love her she has to just look at them.
She really is probably thinking she wish she could take off her denim Build-A-Bear shorts right about now. (Yes, I did finally see shorts).
Ok, since we have almost seen her naked this season, minus the vag, she almost sealed the deal right there on the bed with her legs in a deadlock around him and practically no pants on.
Did she just call him "Jape"?
He looks halfway like a crossing gaurd in that shirt.
But, it doesn't matter. And that is saying a lot, because I hate crossing gaurds.
Every now and again her boobs look normal. Makes me wonder if she got a B job done mid-season.
INSECURE
He is too good for her.
JP does show some balls here and call her out.
Love him.
But, then there are his eyebrows.
Ah, a new see thru tunic.
Aww, the letter/scrapbook is dang cute :)
But, why, is it in a wicker basket?
***Men Tell All freaking funny how they make fun of Ames being a robot and not moving his head. so true!!!
***Men Tell All Ames looks like a Ken doll that got melted in the sun
Yeah, nevermind on the mid-season boob job.
Are Ben's fingernails painted?
The jeweler must had been instructed to get the guys to tell thier 'love story'. No need to spill your guts to that guy. He's a creepy jewelry salesman.
Aaaand, his little tapestry under the ring display is distracting.
Ben = scrunch face in the sun.
Ben's scrunch face = enlarged nostrils.
I can't believe how many people are rooting for him.
I'm crying over this shit.
The "final rose" area is no good. Driftwood circle with fake flowers dotting it? Also, out to the side there is some sort of log raft surrounded by fake flora. She looks like she is being sacrificed.
He has absolutely NO CLUE.
Hair again: It must be 300 degrees. Sweat + wind reveals a bald spot on Ben.
WHY ISN'T SHE STOPPING HIM????
Holy AWKWARD!!
Couldn't he see the look on her face??
Wow. Bet he feels dumb.
Nope, apparently, he feels pissed.
Woah, way pissed.
It's not possible to leave on good terms. True, but you are kind of being a jerk off.
Love how he stops her and says not to sugar coat it. Her WHOLE LIFE is sugar coating. Remember when she told Ryan he was exactly what she wanted before she dumped him the 2nd time? I guess she is a cupcake.
Good line: Good things don't end unless they end badly.
That was over her head.
My hell, don't cross him. He turned into a douche.
JP = the safe choice? What does that even mean?
Where the hell are they taking him in that raft? There is no land in front of them. Are they just going to dump him in the water? Drive him off the horizon?
I wouldn't be surprised if he shanked the boat driver and came flying back to the sacrifice area and killed both Ash and JP the way he is acting.
Ok, ok. Really, just borderline sore-loser, but kind of has a right I guess.
***commerical or something, I lost track Jake (old bachelor) is a DICK!!!!! Holy crap!
Love JP!
CH escorts the men directly from the plane to the sacrifice area - keeping things running - doesn't want anything to stall the end of the show at this point.
Don't play a Titanic song.
If I were Ashley (I'd be in counseling and possibly inpatient therapy) but I also would have told the guys NOT to wear suits. She owes them that much. Good hell. It has got to be 900 degrees at this point. If it weren't for the wind, they would burst into flame.
She is pacing the sacrifice altar.
I LOVE how JP lights up when he sees her.
I'm unsure of her dress. Scrappy mermaid muppet.
Damn, I am crying.
They are attractive kissers. Her and Ben, not so much.
She says "It was so good to see you walk down those steps" - Yes, my dear, yes, it was.
Cue REO Speedwagon "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" LOVE!
Somehow, this made this jacked up season all worth it.
Oddly, they immediately run into the ocean.
I guess not so odd. It is hot as hell and she didn't pay for that dress.
I bet that dress was 5 grand, at least.
Oh my hell, there is a whole hour more of this!
My dad was headed in to watch the news, when I broke the news that there was another hour.
I told him he could stay and hang out with us.
His response: "I'd rather sit naked in the bathtub with no water." And walked off.
***After the Final Rose
Ben and Ash both greatly benefit from a freaking flat iron. Holy hell.
Women are gasping in the audience for him. What. The. Hell.
Her bangs are now on the other side. Good. She isn't fiddling with them now like she did the whole damn season. Wish someone would have caught that earlier.
It somehow makes her resemble a penny. Not Abe Lincoln, but an actual penny.
This litte half hour segment of "Take The $ and Run" Is kind of a disk-tease, isn't it.
"To be honest" is one of her favorite things to say.
***Commercial How does that show Wipe Out not just flat out kill people? Really?
Love that JP winks at her.
Who the hell let CH on the set with his hair all puffy like that?
Too much kissing.
Too much open mouth kissing.
My mom is crying.
CH says he likes sports + mom is convinced he was/is in the military (there is no evidence to support this) = she is crying. Her dream man. While my dad sits naked in an empty bathtub.
Ah, guess who has on the see thru tunic now? Sister bitch.
WHY IS SHE CHANTING "TEAM CUPCAKE"?
CH looks straight into the camera, almost desperately, and says "Thanks for watching this season."
And, it's over. ***SIGH***

R.I.P.

2011-07-29T21:07:00.000-06:00

Wrapped up, ready for her final resting place.

My beloved straightner died this week mid-use. She's been on her last leg for a while, but she full on popped and smoked. So sad. You don't even know how far we have come together. She enhanced my self esteem when nothing else could. Most times I won't leave home without her - even camping. Good thing I am on my way to accepting my curly hair cause I definately do not have $120 to replace it. You will be sorely missed.