Haircut time.

THIS is how you do a 2 year olds haircut. Get him good a freaking tired.... Worked awesome!! (until the last little part) (don't talk to me about holding my phone the other way to do videos)

Notice the bubble. Total la-la land.

And here is the "last little part". It's like freaking steer wrestling. I should have videoed this too but I was holding down limbs. It was hard enough to get this picture. And yes, he threw up a little AND we nicked his ear so he did bleed (My FB post pre-haircut: "Have to shear hair and trim Max's nails tonight. It's like trapping a wild animal. Headlocks, throw-up and blood are not uncommon. Wish us luck.").

Yay! We love haircuts! Now for his nails!

Halloween!

Well, Max was ketchup, and Max loves Anna.

Scheels!

Dinner @ Daddy's fav Fazolis

Scuba guy in a fishtank

On the ferris wheel!! He was way more brave than mom! Mom didn't want the damn thing to move back and forth and wanted Max to sit still and shut up until we got down!

At the verrrrrry top!

Self portrait - no hands!

Shootin the big guns

I love this - he wanted his picture by the airplane

Workin on the truck

Stinky skunks!!

Fun way to kill time with a 2 year old!

Thanks-freaking-giving

I just couldn't stomach the "Thankful post a day" thing on Facebook, so I am going to sum it up real quick right here.

Obviously, like everyone else posted, good family, friends, health, car, a roof over our heads.

But really: tampons, caffeine, Benadryl, sleep, baby wipes after #2, that I didn't have to deal with infertility, our HSA fund, doing crafts, a fresh hair cut and color, good lotion, mascara (despite my bitching), Max's laugh, naps, proving someone wrong, driving in the car with the windows down singing Monster Ballads, coloring, fall and winter = hoodies, hot chocolate, family, football. The Office, that Max got his freaking tonsils out and that it is over, chocolate pudding pie with graham cracker crust, that my new house has lots of natural light (among many other things), forehead kisses, clean public bathrooms, kittens, pulling out a weed and getting the roots with it, chicken salad from Costco, Costco, our soldiers!!, that I wasn't a Pioneer crossing the plains (periods, giving birth with no meds in the dirt, no makeup, walking a lot.....), q-tips, sippy cups that don't freaking leak, falling asleep knowing you don't have to wake up at a certain time, ketchup so that Max will eat certain things, pedicures and especially pedicures with non-English speaking people so I don't have to talk,  falling asleep to the sound of rain, A Walk to Remember, finding treats in my drawer at work, that I have tile instead of linoleum now, that Benj is really tech smart and it has saved us $$, central air, the cool underside of my pillow, Bob Ross, vacations with no kids, kids drinks that don't stain when they spill, my boss, being romantic, that I once was a dancer, avocado, drinking from the hose at my moms on a hot summer day, suckers at the pediatricians office, cookie dough, and pebble ice.

Thank you.

Crazy is still here....

So, I've been thru one change with my meds, which was an epic FAIL. It made me have dyskinesia really bad. My limbs and whole body felt heavy, achy, tired and just gross. I did ok when we went on our trip to Washington (I need to post about our trip!), but literally the night we got back shit hit the fan, again. You all know how much I HATED the psych hospitals and I told myself, and Benj, I'd rather die than go there again. That night I told him I wanted to go, and I really did want to. I just didn't know what to do. I can't go on like this, but I can't kill myself. I was/am just at that point where I see no light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm going to verbally vomit right now. I've got to get it out and heaven knows Benj is sick of hearing it.

In general: Me, Benj and Max are in the middle of an ocean. We're shipwrecked and have one life preserver and a tiny bit of food. We are barely keeping our heads above water. I am under a  lot of the time and breathing water. My lungs are heavy with water. When I get panicky, I grab onto Benj and it pulls him under too. When I am depressed, I slip under on purpose because the thought of living makes me sad and almost hysterical. Family is throwing us lifejackets, but we just can't seem to get away. Just treading water and trying to stay afloat. 

Ever had a panic attack? Let me enlighten you. Your chest hurts. Bad. You can't take a deep breath. For whatever reason, or maybe no reason at all, you feel doom, like literally everyone you have ever loved and all your family and friends got brutally murdered and you are the only one there, all alone, and can't breathe. Darkness closes in on you. Nothing anyone says or does helps. It's all you, and you are out of control. I had a mini one today. We went to church, for the first time in a long while (i'll get into that later), but we were shuffled in the back of the gym - it was packed - kids all over, I had a bag full of busy things for Max. It kept spilling, he kept dropping toys. Bless his heart. I talked to him before we went, explaining we need to be quiet and reverent, and he did so awesome. He stayed right in his chair and whispered and bowed his head and folded his arms for the prayers, he sang, he was darling.  He kept saying he wanted to go to the church and see the "seeple". Sometimes in the car I have him look for steeples on the churches to keep him occupied, since they are on every block. Anyway -kids all over talking, climbing, etc. My heart started racing, I started crying and sweating. I took one look at Benj and he told me to leave. I went walking around the church, tyring to breathe. I've been praying my head off lately because quite frankly, this is out of my hands. I've done almost everything I can  (I almost feel comfortable saying EVERYTHING I can). Anyway, I had a distinct answer to a prayer, that things will look up and I will get the help I need if I start going back to church. It took all I could muster up to go today, and there I ended up in the parking lot hyperventilating. So frustrating. 

I talked with my therapist about coping techniques for anxiety. I usually look to Benj to help me, and he usually can't, which causes more anxiety. Benj tries so hard and is amazing. It is something I need to learn to do on my own.The other day while I has "helping" Benj do his homework, I noticed some music playing, and I noticed I was calm-ish. Turns out he has this app that plays tones and sounds to help with a bunch of different things (study help) but anxiety and insomnia also. So I've been listening to that a lot to try and help me relax. We went thru all 5 senses and found some things to try. Ears: music/tones. I am doing it twice a day for 20-30 minutes, anxiety or not. Also, football. I know it sounds weird, but I love the sounds of a sports game. And when I say sports game I mean football or basketball only. I think it has to do with growing up, it was something that was on or that I was around often and it is comforting to me. I remember being away at college and being super depressed and homesick and turning on football to fall asleep every night. Nose: I love the smell of fabric softener. I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to wash a scarf and douse it with yummy fabric softener and put it on when I am in a panic. Taste: My DP is an obvious choice, but she suggested maybe hot chocolate or some tea (whichever one Mormons can have). Sight: I love love love to color. They had us color and draw in the hospital. It gets me focused on something else. I focus intensely on the colors and patterns. It helps me calm down and escape.Touch: I like to be massaged, so I am going to try rubbing my hands and feet with lotion. The whole idea is "mindfulness" and being in the moment. Concentration on the smell of the fabric. Concentrating on the motions I am making while rubbing my hands. Concentrating on breathing. 

Ok, so say I'm calmed down. There is a fine line between feeling calm and feeling depressed. I will get myself calm and it depresses my body then I fall into sadness. The thought of the sun coming up, the thought of another night or another day, the wind, my bed, my car - all make me so sad. I dread night time. I almost always panic. I am afraid I will fall asleep and then Max will wake up. I am afraid I won't be able to sleep, then I won't be able to wake up then I will miss work, then I will lose my job, then we will have no $$, on and on. The first med made my RLS horrible. Insomnia about it. Bipolar + insomnia = disaster. RLS sends me into panic anyway, feeling like I want to just crawl out of my skin. One night I contemplated cutting my knees open just to stop the crawly, tingly feeling. I've posted it on FB before, but I have a whole rigmarole I do when I get RL, hot scalding bath, stretching, calf raises, ben-gay, hot pad, walking, etc. With this medicine, NONE OF THAT WORKS, annnnd it is 10x worse! Ahhh. Anyway  Friday I started a new med. It is a tranquilizer essentially, a step up from Valium, but it is supposed to help with all aspects of bipolar disorder. Sooo, it makes me sleepy, like a Valium would. I'll take sleepy over suicidal or INSANE RLS. This is only day 3 of it, so we will see how it goes. 

My poor family. Benj and Max especially, but my extended family has been wonderful. All of them have pitched in one way or another and helped with giving blessings, watching Max, etc. I'm grateful for that. I don't know where we'd be without them. 

As for work. I think seriously that may be what threw me over the edge. I was moving into the office manager position (the current one was retiring). It think the pressure of that was the straw that broke the camels back. It's all fizzled out now and I am not going to be moving into that position anymore. Which is fine, I'm glad I even still have a job. I've been fortunate enough to be able to work a little from home. Thank goodness for FMLA!! I've missed about 3 weeks now. I just can't bring myself to face people. To face pressure right now. I'm embarrassed I might start crying or yelling or who knows what at co-workers and patients. I feel out of control and don't know what to expect. Hopefully things will start looking up now. 

In the meantime, we got a cat. We were going to anyway for Max for Christmas, but an opportunity came along and she is a perfect fit (I almost did "puuurfect" right there and it pisses me off my mind even went there).  Her acquired name is Sage. 

So, clearly I'm' struggling. I have no idea how we are going to pay bills.I have no idea when I will be back to work. I am seriously just surviving day to day, hour to hour. I know better than to be angry with God, but I won't deny my mind has gone there. I have 2 HUGE LIFELONG trials. Literally, they won't go away until I die. I have bipolar disorder. I will always be on medication, always fighting it. It won't go away in this lifetime. I may be able to control it to a degree, but it won't go away. I hate that I am missing out on Max growing up and on having a normal, happy life and marriage. The other thing is obesity. I know no one feels bad about that one. I think I have tried to diet/exercise/be more healthy than people realize. I am aware that a lot of it is my fault, most of it really. The initial weight gain post high-school was not my fault, all 90lbs of it (all in 3 months might I add), but the steps I've taken since then are to a degree my fault. But even if I were to get surgery, it will still be a lifelong thing. I will always be fighting it. I'm not one of those "high metabolism" people that exercising and eating right comes natural. {FYI, per my psych doc, I am doing 30 minutes of brisk walking a day, and the new med I started 3 days ago has a weight gain side effect, which is fan-freaking-tastic.....) The phrases "God won't give you anything you can't handle" and "Satan works on the people with the most potential and tries to destroy families" are not comforting to me anymore. I know deep in my heart the truths and I have faith, but it has just gotten so bad. Worse than any person deserves and it just makes me think.

Prayer has been my saving grace. When I have absolutely NOTHING else in me to fight, to think, to do anything, prayer helps. I know He is listening and knows me and is aware of how I am feeling, and that helps. Well, sorry about the puke. I just needed to get this out on paper and I know some of you who read this understand and appreciate me being open. Any prayers for my family at this time would be greatly appreciated. 

Just in the 1/2 hour typing this, I've cried, laughed, gotten anxious and then gotten more anxious. Sheesh.